A.Your letter is more of a declaration than a question. I suspect you are appealing to me to give you some insight into my gender and our — as you see it — baffling behaviour. I am assuming, because you don’t say otherwise, that your side of the scorecard is squeaky clean and that your wife’s attitude is not based on built-up resentments over some behaviour of yours. I am also assuming that there are no underlying issues, such as health problems or depression, both of which can play havoc with anyone’s sex drive.

As to the behaviour of my gender, this is going to win me no friends, but I think there’s a real female myopia about the importance of sex in a relationship. I am always astonished by women who are outraged when their man goes off and shags somebody else after enduring four or five (often more) pretty barren years — or, in other words, almost constant rejection.

What did they think would happen? I’ve lost count, too, of the number of times I’ve heard a lack of interest turned into a funny one-liner: “Oh, God, he wants sex again. That’s the second time this year.” It is different, of course, if there are young kids. There is no greater prophylactic than a set of toddlers. I know we all get tired as we furiously multitask our way around kids, careers and chores, but it seems to me that avoiding sex with someone you love is the same as avoiding talking to them. It’s an emotional deal-breaker. Sex is where quarrels are made up, confidences are shared and understanding is profoundly enjoyed. It is, if you like, a communion. Sex is a huge part of intimacy. When the urge to have sex — to couple, to use an old-fashioned phrase — with somebody disappears, the urge to be intimate dies a little too.

I know there are couples who say they enjoy successful sex-free relationships, but they are rare. The decision is always mutual, too. When it’s not, it often turns out that they are deceiving themselves. Crank up the speed a bit, expose a flaw in the relationship that seems entirely unconnected to sex, and the wheels come right off the bus. Lack of sex is not simply an issue: it is the issue.

Your wife acted unilaterally in banning sex. There was no discussion. She won’t talk about it. She acts surprised that you think it is important and refuses to see a relationship counsellor.

It is not simply that she is refusing to have sex; she is refusing to have intimacy, full stop. It seems that she feels the relationship has come to an end. That’s sad, but it happens. What’s sadder, for both of you, is that she feels unable to say so directly. When people are in denial about their feelings (men also withdraw sex or lose interest, although not as frequently), or find revealing themselves (in every sense) too difficult, they may load the problem back onto their partner: “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Sex is not important. It’s just one part of the marriage, not the whole thing.”

The point is not whether sex is (or isn’t) important. The point is that it’s a rejection of intimacy — and that, obviously, is what you are feeling so keenly. For your wife’s part, it is, I’m afraid to say, quite a hostile and cowardly way to end a relationship. It is designed to make you feel ridiculously demanding, push you away emotionally and avoid being honest about how things stand.

You say you’ve agreed to stay together until the kids leave home. That’s fine, if you can bear it. You’ve already spent four years in a sexless, loveless marriage (and her refusal to communicate or help you out in any way is loveless) and, at 58, you don’t want to be hanging around. Four years of impasse should tell you you’re not going to solve this. Better to accept and move on, if not physically then at least emotionally.

If you are wondering whether you have the right to feel depressed, then, yes, of course you do. Try, though, to work on reducing your feelings of bitterness and resentment. They are useless, self-sabotaging emotions that cloud our judgment and blind us to reality. If the reality is that your wife no longer wants you, then there is another reality to consider, too: somebody else will, and very much.

If you have a relationship question for Sally Brampton, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer every letter personally

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