I have a self-harming issue. I’ve hurt myself in the past when I’ve been upset with myself or others — or angry about anything at all. Recently, I’ve done it for no reason — just because it makes me feel alive, I guess. My friend has a similar problem. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. I feel alone and isolated and have withdrawn from friends and family. Because I’m only 15, people don’t realise I feel this way. I’ve become increasingly frustrated with my parents, particularly my mum, as I seem to get blamed for pretty much everything and told I’m wrong (I am bisexual).

I turned to self-harming as a way of punishing myself. I’ve used blades and scissors, as well as hitting myself. After some comments at school, I’ve started doing it across my stomach so people can’t see, or using blunt scissors so it doesn’t leave a mark. I don’t know how to stop. It feels like an addiction. I know there’s little chance of you answering this, but I hope you will. I don’t want to make my friends and family suffer.

First of all, I’d like you to take all those feelings of guilt and shame and put them in the dustbin where they belong. Self-harming does not make you bad or wrong. It is simply a coping mechanism to deal with emotional pain and anger. It is much more common than people understand, but is difficult to admit to because of the stigma around it and the fear that it will be met with shock and disgust.

I am not shocked or disgusted. I simply believe you’re in pain, and I am so sorry about that. The biggest step is to admit you have a problem, and you’ve taken that step by writing to me. Now we have to find ways of helping you to cope with the problem. I don’t feel it’s helpful to think of it as an addiction. All it does is make you feel trapped and powerless. Think of it instead as a compulsive behaviour.

All behaviours can be changed, so you are not powerless. It isn’t easy, but the key is that you have to really want to change. Obviously you do, so that’s the next step.

Cutting or hitting yourself is the symptom, not the cause. What we have to do is find out why you feel so angry and upset that you need to punish yourself. When we internalise emotions we magnify them tenfold, so it would be really helpful if you could talk about the way that you feel. If you can manage it, the best place to start is your family. I know you feel frustrated with your mum. I don’t know her, but I honestly doubt she blames you for everything or thinks you are wrong. Part of self-harming is about self-blaming, so I suspect you may be interpreting everything she says as evidence of your feelings about yourself. If you can, try and talk to her. You don’t have to blurt it all out in one go, just say you’re feeling upset and take it from there. If your mum can’t help — and families sometimes find self-harming difficult to cope with — then go somewhere else. Don’t give up. Obviously, it has to be somewhere you feel safe and know that everything you say will be kept confidential. That might be your school nurse or GP, both of whom would be able to suggest counselling if you need it, but simply opening up to someone will help.

There are also helplines that allow you to be anonymous, but where you can talk to people who really understand. Saneline is fantastic. There are also good websites that will help you understand the problem and suggest ways of coping. As for feeling you’re bisexual, that’s a normal stage of adolescent development. I’m not trying to minimise your feelings, but I have a 17-year-old daughter and, at exactly your age, many of her group decided they were bisexual and some experimented with self-harming. Right now, you’re trying to feel your way into an identity, and part of that identity is your sexuality. It’s a really difficult age (and not because you’re difficult), because all the big issues about who you are come together with a mix of unsettling hormones. Two years on, my daughter’s group of friends are dating boys and have stopped self-harming. Some coping strategies would help. Try to work out your emotional triggers and, whenever you feel the urge to self-harm, ask yourself what the emotion is behind it. Look at other ways to release that emotion such as keeping a journal, which simply means writing down everything you feel. Don’t worry about punctuation or legibility; just allow your mind to guide your thoughts. Music is good, but make sure it’s upbeat and happy, so you don’t feed dark emotions with darker music. If you distract yourself, you may find the feeling has passed.

Above all, remember that you’re not bad or wrong, and that you are not alone. You’re having a really horrid time and it will pass. The law of the universe says that nothing stays the same, good or bad. “This too shall pass” — make that your mantra.

Saneline, 0845 767 8000 sane.org.uk; firstsigns.org.uk; thesite.org; youngminds.org.uk.If you have a relationship question for Sally, e-mail sally.brampton@sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer letters personally

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