Dear Bel,
I am a 26 with a good degree, and feel that I am confident and
outgoing. However, I have one huge problem — I want to get engaged, married
and start a family, but my boyfriend does not. We have been together for two
years now, not long by some standards, but it feels like a long time to me.
We live together and have recently made a big move — more than 300 miles —
for his job.
We’ve had dreadful, heart-wrenching conversations about this. It’s
hell whenever we talk about it — the one subject where I become emotionally
undone. Many tears have been shed, yet he will not budge. He is notorious
among friends for being stubborn and they keep telling me to hang on, that
he will change his mind. But I am worried that he won’t. We decided that in
three months’ time he would make a decision and then we would review our
future together — if we have one.
I am worried that he will tell me that he won’t change his mind, and
then I worry that I won’t have the strength to leave him. It’s not an
exaggeration to say that all of our friends have got married in the past two
years. It has got to the point where I RSVP to weddings with regret, feeling
I cannot go to one more that is not my own. Friends who met when we did are
now married . . . and I am worried we will break up over this.
He has no real reason for not wanting to — he just tells me that he
doesn’t “believe” in it. He admits that he doesn’t know why he doesn’t want
to get married but sometimes uses his parents’ marriage as an example. They
dislike each other yet remain married — bickering incessantly. I do not want
to be 35 with half a dozen godchildren and no child of my own. I do not want
to miss out on an important part of life, but fear that I will if I stay
with him. Am I being unreasonable?
Charlotte
The trouble is, reason is not a player here — not with someone as prone to
worry as you are. If your boyfriend were to sigh, “OK, we’ll tie the knot in
five years”, I suspect that once you were over the excitement at having a
ring on your finger, you would inevitably start worrying that he would go
cold on the idea in time. I can understand that you’re so wound up about
this, but advise you to change your tack.
This young man has had a bad role model for marriage; he must have pulled the
pillow over his head as a child to drown out his parents’ nastiness with
each other, and yo-yoed between dread that they would divorce and longing
for some harmony. You say nothing about your own parents; I would love to
know if they are happily married. No matter — I think you should stop
worrying for one moment and focus hard on the child who was your boyfriend,
rather than on your own needs, your finished life-script. Do you encourage
him — gently — to talk about his upbringing? Does he sometimes feel that the
“hell” of your differences reminds him of past recriminations? Think about
that.
I wonder how well you know him after just two years, during which so much has
happened, including that big move, which might make you feel (deep down)
that he “owes” you. Maybe it seems “long” to you because, in truth, you
spend too much time angsting about yourself and worrying away at him, like a
dog at a bone. Frankly, it sounds as if too much of your time is spent
having these “dreadful, heart-wrenching conversations” about what you want,
and not enough living life, having fun and finding out about each other. For
example, supposing that, deep down, he’s the kind of guy who could fantasise
about slipping away to Vegas to get hitched, with no fuss at all. None of
those suits from Moss Bros, and toasting the bridesmaids, and all the
terrifying stuff that people allow so to complicate making a life
commitment. Would you “allow” that? Or are you hung up on the Big Day, when
you play the starring role in your own bridal movie? I don’t ask this
unsympathetically, but because I think you have to move beyond this point
where you’re stuck on one track. Otherwise this love will just wither and
die in the blast of your wails.
Of course it’s natural for you to want children, but at 26 you don’t have to
listen for the biological clock. Supposing in time your boyfriend thought it
would be great to have a baby but still didn’t want to sign the papers? I
understand that for you “Mrs” and Mum are synonymous, yet nowadays it is
perfectly acceptable to live together and have a child, and with a man so
phobic about the legal state, then I would murmur “why not?” Focus on the
relationship and not on the wedding. Whatever the future holds, I suggest
you stop holding a gun to his head, because where there’s a gun, somebody is
bound to get hurt.
Now I want to introduce you to someone who could be your mother in terms of
age, but is a soul sister, longing for commitment.
MY PARTNER'S COLD FEET OVER OUR WEDDING PLANS
Dear Bel,
I am almost 61 and have lived with my partner for six years; he is 11
years my senior. He has been married twice and in the early stages of our
romance he planned to make me his third wife. However, it took him until the
end of 2005 to get a divorce — since when there has been no mention of a
ring on the third finger for a third wife.
I took the bull by the horns recently and asked why. He said he was
scared that after two wives had left him I might do likewise. What a pity he
did not voice these concerns earlier when I might have had the opportunity
to rebuild my life. He has four children to whom he is totally committed,
emotionally and financially. Do I cut and run (I would love to be in a
secure, married relationship) or stick this one out?
Daphne
Since the words “secure” and “marriage” do not always go together like a horse
and carriage, you would be misguided to leave this man simply because he is
afraid of making the Big Commitment for a third time. You and Charlotte
could both give an ultimatum — “Marry me or goodbye” — but it might not be
the smartest course.
I wonder if smiling, “I don’t care if we’re married, I just want to make a
life with you because you’re a fantastic person and I so love you” and then
organising some amazing nights out/meals in/weekends/holidays so that
jollity wraps you both around like a great, glittering cocoon . . . might
not just be more effective in persuading Mr Right that this is the woman of
his dreams?
Both of you need to take a deep breath and chill a little. I guess in your
case you are understandably concerned that if you go on living with this man
with no legal status, were he to die and leave his entire estate to his
children, you would have no roof over your head. You have to voice these
concerns to him; two mature people sharing a bedroom ought to be able to
talk about the fears that afflict them.
Your man says he is afraid of being left, so you have to reassure him of your
love. Bullish cross-examination is not the way. Nor are tears. But
affectionate, searching conversation between equals? Way to go.
DO YOU NEED ADVICE?
Do you need advice about your relationships?
E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: times2,
1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Details such as your age are helpful.
Please include your real name, but we will use your chosen pseudonym if you
wish. Bel Mooney reads all letters but cannot enter into personal
correspondence
We welcome comments on Bel's column. Post them using the form below.
