Dear Bel,

My partner and I have been working together for a year now and became very close as best friends before we got intimate four months ago. I was married but split with my husband in August. My partner split with his girlfriend (and mother of his children, 2 and 3) in September. In October we decided to get together. It was a whirlwind romance and we’re very happy and very much in love.

There is just one BIG problem. My partner is having major guilt issues about his love for me and his children. I have all the patience in the world and totally understand his wish to see his children every day. He is now even considering going back to his old relationship for the sake of being able to see them daily (even though he knows deep down it will never work and cause more pain to himself, his ex and obviously towards his children). And he is now also worried about hurting me too.

I write to ask for advice on how my partner may be able to deal with his emotions without doing anything too drastic. He wants us to stay together and make it work and also to have more contact with his children. At the moment I’m not involved in their lives as we think it too soon. I’ve suggested that we move closer and we’re looking into that. We’ve even considered him changing his career because his job takes him away from home a lot too.

Do you have any advice on how he can deal with this feeling of guilt towards his children when he is with me? Then vice versa— he feels guilty when with the children and doesn’t give me a thought, which I have told him I am fine with because I understand that his children will always come first. Please help me to help him. Isabel

I received your email at the same time as a long, unhappy one from Sam, a much shortened version of which I print here. Both made me reflect on the terrible complexity of dealing with other people’s children. Your situations are very different, but each can learn from the other. You need to take on board some of the harsher realities Sam faces; he needs some of your selflessness.

Upfront I have to come clean and get it off my chest — that I wish your man had stayed with his partner and those very young children a bit longer, to give it as much of a chance as possible. Two children under 3 put a strain on any relationship but he and his ex might have moved forward into the quiet satisfactions of real family life. Does his guilt stem from the fact that it was his feelings for you (truth?) that pushed him to leave? Is there guilt in your letter too? You can’t know it would cause long-term pain to him if he went back, although it certainly would to you. Dare I say he might even be happier to be where his heart and his head tell him he should be, and because he is no longer torn in two between paternal devotion and romantic love. I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but I need to be honest. Like it or not, it’s a part of the reality that you have chosen to embrace. The world is littered with broken families and no one can persuade me that, overall, it is to the greater good. For the children, that is.

That said, your unselfish love for him permeates your letter, and he’s lucky in that. You’re not writing about yourself, you want help for him. You want to do everything you can to support him, and have made the best possible start by being so understanding about his situation, coming up with positive, practical suggestions to help. If you manage to see this through and stay together I’ve no doubt that you would do everything in your power to be the best stepmother to those children, although (again) honesty compels me to whisper that down the line you may not always be “fine” about coming second.

Loving and mature as you are, you need to think about that so that it doesn’t take you by surprise — especially if you and he decide to have a child together. Take on a man with baggage and you share the weight of that burden, forever. Because he will always be the father of those children, no matter what else he does, or whomsoever else he loves. He might as well, like David Beckham, have their names tattooed on his body. In loving him you love that whole man, scars and all.

It’s impossible to advise on how he can deal with his twofold feelings of guilt, other than to tell you that the more you patiently reassure him of your love and tell him that he is a good father, the more he will be able to bear it. There’s no magic formula — and I think you know that. The decisions we make, and the pain we cause, stay with us forever, even though the edges may be blunted in time, for there is no person who has not had to live with the consequences of actions.

Dear Bel,

I’m 23, my girlfriend is 21. We’ve been together seven months and love each other very much. She has a son aged 2 and he and I get on well — even though he can be a bit of a nuisance at times.

My girlfriend and the boy’s father broke up after he was born — currently the father has him two nights a week. I’d prefer it if she did not have a son, but there’s no point dwelling on that. I knew what I was letting myself in for. However, I had no idea what it would be like. We don’t live together but I do spend most of my spare time at her house. It can be a bit tiresome having a child’s noise and mess around, but it’s also pleasurable to come home from the office and relax by playing with him.

I like to be able to plan ahead — see a long-term future. One day I would like a family, and am happy for her son to be part of that. I think I treat him in the same way I would a child of my own. It angers me when he goes for the days with his dad. When I’m there I look after him: play with him, feed him, take him out, pay for things. What do I get out of it? Well, I’m doing my girlfriend a favour so that she can rest, I’m getting pleasure from it, and contributing to bringing him up to be a decent young man. But it feels wrong him not being my own child.

To live with my girlfriend (as we will soon) will involve buying a house. I am happy to do this but it will mean that I pay for everything as her benefits will stop. But I resent that I will be paying for someone else’s child when he gives only £35 a week. I also have ongoing exams to worry about. I’m desperate for this relationship to work. But I feel I’m not coping with the situation, not being good enough to her and getting stressed too easily — with the child playing up recently, I probably lost my temper too quickly. In an ideal world I’d be with someone equally perfect, but without the child. I want to do the right thing by both of them but I’m not sure how to. Sam

You are too young and too confused to start living with this girl and her son. The fear and desperation in your unedited letter disturb me. No one can blame you for that; we could blame you for taking on an innocent child whom you do not want, and then indirectly punishing him for the shortfall in your happiness. I’m sorry to say it, but I imagine a situation when you move them in with you, then decide it’s all too much, then cause more disruption for the boy. You aren’t ready to be father or stepfather and perhaps won’t be for some time. Start living in the present. Continue with the relationship on the same basis as now, enjoy it, focus on the exams, save, and then see what you feel in September, when the boy will go to nursery school and your girlfriend will have more time to take stock too.

DO YOU NEED ADVICE?

Do you need advice about your relationships? Email your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Details such as your age are helpful. Please include your real name, but we will use your chosen pseudonym if you wish. Bel Mooney reads all letters but cannot enter into personal correspondence

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