Dear Bel,

Eighteen months ago I walked out on my husband and two sons to be with my lover of six months. It started as a few Christmas drinks and a laugh but got out of hand. I left a 15-year marriage, taking my daughter with me, because I thought I loved the man. He too has three children and led me to believe that he would leave his wife, which he did for a few weeks. But he went back because he missed his children. I have lost my sons, but he won’t make the complete break.

I feel that he is just using me for sex as he comes to my house at all times of the day and sometimes in the middle of the night, almost demanding it. He pops in on his way to and from work and I am too scared not to let him in. When I complain about missing my boys he gets angry and twice has threatened to hit me. He is not interested in my hurt at not seeing my children, claiming he has suffered as well, because on finding out about our affair his wife told him he was not the father of his eldest child, a daughter. She thinks he has stopped seeing me.

I wish I could turn the clock back but I can’t. I want to stop seeing him but he won’t let me finish it. He comes to the house at all hours and demands sex. He doesn’t actually force me but won’t leave until I give in. He’s started coming round 30 minutes before I pick up my daughter from school, knowing that unless I give in straight away I will be late for her.

I know I should say no but it isn’t that easy. He has compromising pictures of me taken on his phone while I was sleeping. Last week he came to the house at lunchtime demanding sex. I gave in, but when I went to get dressed he wouldn’t let me. He made it clear that unless I let him take some pictures, this time with a Polaroid, I would be late picking my daughter up. I gave in. Now he has naked pictures of me that he threatens to send to my exhusband and parents, and to the manager of the supermarket where I work part-time. And show his friends.

I have avoided him all weekend and not returned his calls or texts. He hasn’t come to the house because he knows my daughter is here, but I know he will turn up tonight or tomorrow. I want to tell my exhusband everything but I am afraid of him turning his back on me. Please help me sort out my life. I only wanted a fling and a bit of fun but it has cost me my two sons and I have ended up living in fear and as some kind of sex slave. Tell me if you think my ex will laugh or help.
Paula

Do you know of those great frescoes showing the Last Judgment? When I read your letter I couldn’t help thinking of them, and reflecting that our forebears were, in some ways, wiser than us. They knew about punishment, those long-dead men and women, because it thundered from the pulpit and gave savage warning from vast pictures. The artists painted pathetic, naked sinners being dragged by demons down to Hell, where each of the seven deadly sins would be perpetually punished by extremes of what was once most craved — the gluttonous force-fed, the avaricious weighed down with gold, and those who’d indulged in sexual licence . . . well, you can imagine. We don’t preach hellfire nowadays but such ideas of just deserts will never leave the human heart. You know it. You did wrong and now you’re being punished every day. In the words of Shakespeare, “The gods are just, and of our pleasant vices/ Make instruments to plague us.”

Do I pity you? Yes, although the person writing this column is a human being who cannot affect the studied neutrality of the psychotherapist. So my natural compassion is tempered by disbelief. With Mothering Sunday almost upon us I have to tell you that I am almost incapable of comprehending how a woman could walk out on her children for the sake of sexual obsession. It happens, but I read about it as one reads of bizarre and revolting tribal mutilations. You have damaged your sons and cut them off from a sister as well as a mother, for the sake of sex (please don’t ennoble it with any other name) with an entirely unworthy, dishonest, exploitative and abusive man. Lady, you and I are on different planets.

But sending across a rocket can be a useful tool, a method of exploration. I would like to help you to pick your way out of this mess, understanding that you do not have to be a victim any more. You have to consider the short term and the long term, and the courage you find to act now will be the first step towards becoming a different sort of woman, leading a better life.

You can’t allow yourself to go on being bullied by this creep, for your daughter’s sake, let alone your own. She needs protection. The first thing you have to do is take the sting out of his attempts at blackmail by throwing yourself on the mercy of your exhusband and your parents. Tell them about the photographs so that if he mentions this again you can shrug and say “Do your worst — they already know.” I imagine your parents feel their daughter has totally messed up her life, but with luck they may still be kind. You have no choice but to beg for your exhusband’s help — not asking him for forgiveness but for support in getting rid of lover-boy. Tell him you know that you’re a stupid woman who screwed up, but for the sake of all your children, can he help you? I have no idea what he will say, but you must ask. Then get a locksmith to change the locks where you are living and DO NOT LET YOUR EX-LOVER IN. If he kicks up, tries to force his way or waylay you on the way to work or school, you must call the police. Bullies need to be faced down. Personally I would write to his wife telling her exactly what he is doing. And do you have a close girlfriend who might stay with you for a short while?

You were decisive enough to break up your family; you will act now to break the hold of this man. Then reflect on why you have allowed yourself to become such a victim. What is it about you, like so many women, that is drawn to what is dark, destructive, hurtful? Is there a pattern in your past which has led you to this fate? As a little exercise I want you to do my job for a moment, and see how you would answer a letter that I’ve just received:

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly three years. I am 42, he is younger. When we met and fell in love, he was so romantic — the perfect man. But he started becoming very possessive. I couldn’t speak to another man, or look at one. I “respected” his wishes — so as not to upset him. But just lately I have found out that he is texting other women and is on the internet looking at women. He makes out that he is so innocent but constantly lies about everything. The whole situation is making me ill. I had a previous relationship in which the man was jealous and possessive; this a long time ago. I thought I had learnt my lesson. I hope you can give me some advice.
Donna

What would Paula say to Donna? “Get out while you can before this relationship festers, as mine has. Break your dependency, free yourself, learn to respect yourself at last . . .”? What other response is there? No one is saying it’s easy, but the belief that change is possible, that things can get better, that the human spirit is always worthy of redemption, is what makes some of us face each day. This is the lesson worth learning. To say we have to live with the consequences of our actions is true, yet somewhat too passive for me. We can accept responsibility and blame, yet use the knowledge gained to restructure the future. When you change the locks on your doors to keep out the man who made you his victim you must imagine that you are locking out your own “worst” self with him — the selfish woman who destroyed her family for a fling. There is another Paula, you know. She’s the one refusing be dragged down to hell any more. She’s listening to the stern angel inside, who is pointing her in the opposite direction.

Do you need advice about your relationships? E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Details such as your age are helpful. Please include your real name, but we will use your chosen pseudonym if you wish. Bel Mooney reads all letters but cannot enter into personal correspondence

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