Dear Bel,

This problem concerns our sex life — a subject not easily handled around the table nor with friends. I have just turned 36 and my girlfriend of 17 years is 39. We have worked together for the past 12 years running a small hotel in a ski resort in the Alps — with no children, as mutually agreed. We’ve been through thick and thin for the past decade, doing practically everything together.

Six years ago we had an argument over some sex and I swore that I’d no longer take any form of sexual initiative but let her decide on the “when and where” of a love life slowly petering out. Three years later I was still waiting to enjoy some physical intimacy. After such a long period of patience I told her I was suffering and was ready to make any concessions to help us to have the happy love life we shared before working together. This led to tears, recrimination and argument.

I wrote my girlfriend a long Valentine’s Day letter saying I was sorry, that I would be patient and understanding, that I truly loved her and that I would never cheat on her (I have been faithful for the past 17 years — no flirts or affairs). Well that was three years ago, so I have been denied any form of intimate cuddle for the past six years now. I concede a back rub every night and a massage for her, but I have not been kissed, cuddled or even felt her hand in my hair in six long years.

I can no longer sleep at night — her sleeping next to me has become torture. It's the typical case of 99 per cent of your life is OK and 1 per cent ruining the rest or becoming an obsession that doesn’t let you live or think properly any more. Any attempt to mention the subject or talk about it is a disaster. So I keep quiet and seethe — not a healthy option, I know. I am considering exterior help but how can I encourage my girlfriend to understand that I’m desperately unhappy and frustrated?

I’m seriously thinking of cutting my losses and leaving the business we have built together. I am 36, have survived being run over by a car and a bout of cancer; I love life and want to enjoy as much of it as I can. Yet I am living in a sexless relationship with little love left and getting more bitter and moody. Some days I really hate my partner. Is she totally immune to my unhappiness? Is she unhappy too? I am at a crossroads: not wanting to throw 17 years of a great relationship out of the window because of a small sex issue. But the devil in me says it’s all that she deserves for being so cold and untouchable. Can this relationship be saved? Rob

I want to begin by initiating you gently into the brotherhood of rejected men. It was ever thus; to prove my point, read this little poem dating back to 6th-century Japan: “Oh yes,” she says, “we’re married:/ Very much so,” says she,/ Wedging the bedclothes under her hip,/ Turning her back on me.

That is one of the saddest little quatrains I know. With perfect economy it conveys the fundamental contradiction within your letter — the dichotomy between the institutionalising of a relationship and the typical behaviour that calls its very essence into question.

You say you don’t want to throw away “a great relationship” and yet you are sharing a miserable bed with a woman you cannot talk to. You don’t even know if she is unhappy, let alone whether or not she knows or cares about the depths of your anguish. Is this a good relationship? Take a walk out into the snow, far from the noisy slopes, and ask its silent, crystalline purity to tell you the truth.

While I understand totally that women who no longer want sex with their husbands can be very, very unhappy (a whole other painful problem), it’s they who are withholding affection. In terms of my postbag, as well as statistical evidence, only a minority of women make a similar complaint, longing for more physical intimacy than they are offered, while many more men feel themselves the victims of what is called in the US “female sexual dysfunction”. But pace any female readers who snort that men are obsessed with “only one thing” I must point out that the four letters I have pulled from my inbox are about more than what used to be known as “conjugal rights”. The underlying yearning in them all is for tenderness. And the longing for that makes the bed shake with metaphorical sobs in many a home. What’s more, the need for a loving touch knows no gender.

For me the most poignant statement in your letter is “I have not been kissed, cuddled or even felt her hand in my hair in six long years”. Similarly, James wrote: “I am very tactile and affectionate by nature and love cuddles, hugs and kisses. My wife is the total opposite. Sex is a rarity; when it does happen she refuses to do anything like simple stroking. To be honest, if I had to make the choice between sex or affection, I would choose the latter as its absence causes me more pain. I see other couples kiss and hug and wonder why I live in such a cold, physically affectionless world.” Here is Mark, married for 18 years: “My wife informed me, quite rationally, years ago, that while we have a good marriage she is not interested in the physical side of things. The result is that for most of my thirties I have been helplessly in love yet not able to express this fully.”

Mike is 59, married for 37 years, and wrote: “I would be delighted to be allowed to stroke, cuddle and hug, to be sensual in a non-overtly-sexual way but I need encouragement and a response.” He has found his own “solution”: regular visits to a “generous-hearted and warm” prostitute not much younger than his wife. And who will judge him for that honest transaction?

I used to think it was fine for a couple to live like “brother and sister” (Mike’s phrase) — but only if there is physical affection. The day may not end with sex, but snuggling up can soothe the soul. Now, though, I’m not so sure — and I don’t really see how a couple still in the prime of life can sustain a relationship without the natural release of sexual intimacy. Inevitably this will change over the years, but the desire to please the other, to offer him or her comfort with your body, must surely be present. There is a lie at the heart of your letter which stands out like Mont Blanc in a range of hills. For this is not, as you say, “a small sex issue”, and to any outsider your relationship with this woman is not 99 per cent OK and 1 per cent not. It seems more serious than that.

How to proceed? You say your love life was all right until you started working together 12 years ago, implying that the stress of building the business had an effect, not to mention the tedium of overfamiliarity. The fact that you persist in using “girlfriend” and only once “partner” (and that in the most negative context — feelings of hatred) indicates a wistfulness for carefree, youthful days (19 and 22 when you got together) before the prison of business partnership. After six years you reached crisis point, but when the first row happened (over unsuccessful sex) your response was to back off and leave the matter in her hands. This was a mistake; it was the time to seek counselling, and/or for you to finesse your intimate conversation as well as your lovemaking. There is something very wrong when a couple in their thirties have stopped being able to talk about their feelings.

Mark asked me: “From a woman’s perspective, is it possible to love and to want to be with somebody without a meaningful physical relationship?” Your partner would almost certainly say “Yes, it is” — and I too know the reality of that. Yet in truth, such a response means “It’s all right for ME — and I don’t really care about YOU” — which will not do in any mature, evolving relationship with a future. At the moment you don’t know if you love her, let alone if she loves you. You have to start talking, although my gut is telling me it’s too late and that your love may have run its course — her back turned on you once too often.

What’s your view? Post your comments at timesonline.co.uk/belmooney

DO YOU NEED ADVICE?

Do you need advice about your relationships? E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Details such as your age are helpful. Please include your real name, but we will use your chosen pseudonym if you wish. Bel Mooney reads all letters but cannot enter into personal correspondence.

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