In 10 years of marriage, we've rarely had sex unless I've instigated it. His excuse has been, he doesn't have high sex drive, he's tired, stressed, etc.
But when HE actually does want it, buddy I'm expected to perform! Then I never reach orgasm because he goes so fast. I hate it!

Rene, Kennesaw, USA

Have the affair. Have no expectations with/from it, then you will have no disappointments. Know that you are only in it for the good, great, time-altering sex that you have been missing. Can man eat only bread for dinner for the rest of hs life?

Are human beings designed to be monogamous?

marie, CA, USA

I am only 30 years old and I am not ashamed in saying that I love sex. I have two children with my partner of15 years, our daughter is only 1o weeks old yet I still want sex.But my partner just seems to have turned into a old man

louise, swansea, wales

I have been married for 12 years and have been in a pretty much sexless marriage for the past 7-8 years we average 2-3 times a year if that. I will try to initiate only to be turned down with excuses of tiredness. I feel like smacking him at times.
He had an affair but then begged me to forgive him

sara, London, Canada

My question is, has anyone successfully resolved this problem with their husband? By resolved, I mean are they still married and the sex has gotten better and more frequent? Or, is there no other alternatives other than have an affair or divorce your husband? Any happy endings?

VL, Houston, TX, USa

It's been a long time since this article was posted, and I'm sure whatever this woman was going to do, she's probably done it already. But I thought I'd add my thoughts on this for any future users with a similar issue.

I see a lot of people advocating on here for her to have an affair. That's a dangerous stance! She mentions the guy she knows is married. How does she know the type of woman his wife is? How does she know the wife won't find out and go after her? How does she know the wife won't do something to HIM?

You don't want to be the woman who gets shot dead by a jealous wife. Or have something happen to your 'friend'.

If you want to have sex, then you should leave him. Have the courage to divorce him. If the guy truly loves you, then he'll come to you and try everything to win you back, including begging on his knees for forgiveness and promising to get help. Just the threat may be the shock he needs; the wake-up call he needs to realize what he's been doing.

Anthony , Philadelphia,

It was a pleasure (sad term) reading al of the responses. Our sexual downfall started as health related and medication. It took me awhile to realize sex would change, but I verbally accepted that things would change. Well sex went right out the door and the arguments would virtually lead back to that subject. I fit in all of the above catagories. Attractive, great libido......We have been together 14 years. No children between us but the time between sex is getting longer and longer. I know he feels bad that he cannot perform the way he used to, but he refuses to talk to the dr. and seek alternatives. Like all the rest, it affects my life tremendously, have the same thoughts etc. He turns it around and says no wonder he doesn't want to be with me because of the way I carry on.

Barb, Denver, Colorado

I hurt. I love my husband and he loves me, but we rarely mak-love. He says that I'm as beautiful as ever and that he finds me attractive. Of course I thought the problem was me, but he assures me its not. We've been happily married for almost 30 years and have 7 children. They are all grown and out of the house. My husband is a honest, hard woking man. I realize his job is stressful and exhausting so I've tried to giv him time to rest & relax. He's gained some weight after retiring from the Air Force and blames his lack of desire on that. I know that may be partly true, he is use to being fit & trim. Still, I hurt. Men find me attractive, but I don't want to stray. I love my husband. What can I do? I've tried everything, dressing up in sexy clothing, baths for two, quiet romantic dinners, and other things I'd rather not mention. He's always apologetic. I know he's not cheating. We still have date nights and if he's not at work he's with me. I trust him.

Dara, KC,

I highly recommend an affair. I found myself one day in a sexless marriage. Luckily, my ex-boyfriend always thought I was one of the hottest women he ever slept with. I went to him and he reassured me that I am as a hot and wanted as ever. It healed all the wounds and saved me from $$$$ in therapy. I am still with my husband ... I never went back to my ex-boyfriend ( I was cured). I know the problem is not with me but with my husband. I understand that my husband's problem is psycological. We are working on it, me being loving and boosting his ego, him knowing all that has to be known about what my needs are. I am on birth control and I will not dare to stop unless things improve. Good luck to all of you. Think about what's happening to you as a lesson. Learn and move on or move out.

Ilovetodance, Virginia,

Hi,

I have read all of the comments above. The emotions poring out are heart breaking to hear. I have been married for 22 years to a man 10 years older. When I was 23 and he was 33 we had sex constantly. As I go older he wanted sex less and less. Now I am in my my forties and he has plenty of excuses and no desire. I am fit and attractive even in my forties and tired of putting up with his excuses. He tells me he loves me and he is just too tired. What he wants I beleive is a wife but not a partner. He is just too immature for that. He wants sex with very young women ALL the time and does not want sex with a women in her forties. I really wish he would just let me go and be honest instead he begs me not to leave. I feel I am losing my mind in this and just want out. I have come so vry close to having an affair over all this and would never have thought I would be capable of it. I think the above comments are correct, if he loved me he would also lust after me.

A wife, San DIego,

I find this fascinating, I never thought women would be in the same position as me. I have been married for 15 years, always faithful. We have two beautiful kids who I love dearly. My wife is not interested in sex at all. She is tired all the time and whenever I initiate any physical activity she freezes me out. I have done all the hygene stuff that you read on web sites , clean nails, after shave, lost a stone ....... Made no difference at all. Whenever we do have sex (probaby 3-4 times a year) she always has an orgasm. I am now working out what I do, I can't live the rest of my life without sex, but I don't want to hurt the kids either, but I have got to do something. From reading about women who have the same problem I have come to the conclusion that we are just not compatible, like the men above are not compatible with their partners. I would never ever turn down sex, so the men above are as alien to me as my wife who seems to be happy with living like brother and sister. I do not

Thomas, Andover, England

While women's problems with sex is often framed as "lack of desire" or "frigidity" - the other side of that coin is that there are so many bad lovers out there. So many of us women are married to men who have no idea how to please us (even the ones that would like to try - they can't seem to figure it out). I ask men this question: if each time that you engaged in sexual activity, you came away worked up but with no release ... wouldn't YOU eventually turn away your partner? The experience of sex is just too frustrating for many, many women as so many men can be terrible lovers and completely unreceptive to hearing it (or when they do hear it, they can't function any longer as they are so shattered). It is not that women don't want sex .... they don't want BAD SEX. For men, most sex results in climax, for women only good sex does. If she's not getting good sex, eventually she'd rather have non at all.

Lady, New York,

My husband and I have been married for 18 years and for the past 10+ years we have not had sex, he has no desire for it and never really has. It is not only the NO SEX, there is no emotional intimacy, no touching, no hugging, no kissing. I have wondered if he might be gay, ever since we have been married he has had this STRONG dislike for gays, so much that he talked about gays EVERYDAY!! Someone had brought it to my attention that, that is usually what closet gays do so no one would suspect them. I am a very affectionate person and to go without it all I am losing my mind!! I want to divorce and he doesn't, why not???? I am so confused, I don't understand why one would even considering staying married, this is NOT a marriage, I feel more like a housekeeper/maid, no where close to being someone's wife!! I feel like I have wasted 18 years of my life!!

Michelle, Borden, Indiana

I'm a 35 year old woman, married for 9 years, together for 13. Since we married we have had sex less than 5 times. My husband has absolutely no desire for me. I did everything I could to seduce him; I was 26 when we married and we were considered a 'beautiful and successful couple' by others, who thought we had it all. When it fact it was just a sham. My friends and family would ask when was I going to have a baby/ then, why haven't you had a baby?? All of which was theoretical, since we had sex every 3 years (initiated by me, and very unfulfilling). I became very depressed; I begged and pleaded with him to tell me what was wrong. I pleaded with him to see a therapist, he refused. He didn't care enough about me to solve his problem. So, despite my deep love for him, I have just moved out and am trying to get the courage to divorce him. I have no choice now - I want a partnership with someone who desires all of me. And I want children.The shame and huge, aching sadness is unbearable.

Lisa, Paris, France

I can relate to all partners (be it male or female) who feel the sense of self-worthlessness amid rejection of sexual advances. True that only those who have been in such a situation can truly empathise.
I googled 'husband doesn't want sex' after my advances were once again rejected and hearing all your comments has made me alittle at ease; knowing that other women experience this problem. However, I feel mostly saddened. I love my husband dearly but do not take well to rejection.
To me sex is us communicating on a whole new level, i love and relish in the intimancy, it's not just a physical experience. So when my advances are turned down, I accept it and cry to myself. I know i have low self-esteem but i also know that there are many that find me attractive. I've been with my husband for over 4 years, i left everything for him. We're only 22 but rejection eats away at my selfworth, he knows it. Sex is important to me, I'm sick of satisfying my partner and getting nothing in return.

Lonely, Canberra, Australia

I can totally sympathize with you. My husband wants absolutely nothing to do with me sexually. He hardly every show me any affection or attention. I have to always initiate sex, and quite frankly, I am sick of it. I am thinking of leaving, but I can't make myself do it because we have a child. But, I can't see living like this for the rest of my life. I am 37 years old and I AM NOT DEAD!! I have needs, and he simply doesn't care about my needs. If anyone knows what I am going through, please let me hear some advise on what to do.

Ann Murray, Washington, GA

I've been married for just over 2yrs. In the beginning our sex life was wonderful. We couldnt get enough of one another. We tried to have a child using fertility pills but to no avail. It seems it was then, our love life went from wonderful to Where did it go? My husband was sexually abused as a small child and claims that is the cause of his lack of intrest in sex now. He says he loves me and leaves love notes around the house. I don't doubt his love for me but not having a sexual relationship is putting a strain on our marriage. I dont understand how he could have sex with me in the begining and shortly after we were married, says he can't because of the issues due to the abuse. What was so different in the begining, ya know? I've thought about cheating too. I'm afraid that I'll start having feelings for my lover and cause even more problems than I have now. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. What's a woman to do?

Amy, Spartanburg, SC

I am so glad I am not alone. I am 37 yrs old and my husband is 40 yrs old. We have been married for 10 years & we love each other deeply but we hardly have sex. The longest we went without sex was 12 months. I am always the initiator it. But my husband will then always tease me for being sex-craze, or sometimes he will reject. These comments really made me feel lousy so I will stop, and the sexless period will start again. I had 2 affairs so far that provided me great sexual experiences, but I am ashamed and haunted by them. These affairs have stopped and I vowed to start all over again, and mentally told myself that I just have to let go of my sexual desire, as long as my husband and I have a great loving relationship. Recently, I discovered that my husband is having an affair - this really shattered me. I thought we had a great relationship except the sex part. He said he love me. If he is in for the sex, why wouldn't he do it with me, his wife? This hurts to the core.

Kelly Goodman, London, England

I am living in a sexless relationship too, my 'partner' hasnt wanted to have sex with me for seven years and if I'm honest not much for the three years we were together before he made his decision to stop altogether. Last year he informed me that he no longer wanted to have sex with me or anyone else but couldnt or wouldnt give a reason. I have to admit that I was scared of being on my own and therefore we stayed living in the same house but we have separate rooms-well whats the point in sharing a bed? He has chipped away at my self confidence which is slowly returning and no, relationships shouldnt be based soley artound sex but when you feel totally rejected and undesirable it becomes all you can focus on.
Unless someone has been in this situation, please dont judge others actions. To make someone feel like that is just awful and cruel

karen kidman, barent, herts

So much of this rings true with me. I am a 41 year old woman in a 7 year relationship with a 46 year old man. No children, not married. Own homes. I have been the initiator of most of the sex in the relationship and in the beginning, of course, it was wonderful. Any moves made by him, in 7 years, I have always responded to. However, he has often knocked me back. Now, in the last few months, he says he doesnt want to have sex with me. he explains that its an issue of trust - not physical trust, but emotional trust. I feel that I am on trial. That if I behave the way he wants me to - I will be rewarded with his physical attention. I have completely stopped trying to initiate sex with him. To be honest, I am finding it difficult to be physically affectionate with him in any way, which is an enormous difference from previously. I feel bereft of affection and I have an enormous longing to be held and loved and have passion back in my life.

lorraine, Stirling, UK

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for five of these. His sex drive is non-existant also. He blames the kids, 4 and 2 years old or that he is tired. I so feel you. I have a close male friend who if I was not with my husband would love to be with him, he is loving and affectionate even in a platonic way. I know my husband loves me but I can't help but feel disgusting and unattractive. I try to initiate things to just get my feelings hurt. We have also talked about this without a resolve. He says he wants to have sex with me but when it comes to the actual act there is no interest because he is tired. We are 28, it should not be this way. I love my husband but I watched my in-laws marriage fail due to lack of sex for five straight years and am watching my marriage lead down the same road. But an affair is just not the answer. you vow to be with your spouse through everything and be faithful. Everyone needs physical love and your heart will know when you have had enuff

Misty, Washington,

I've just read through all the comments and how some of them have made sense to my relationship that has just ended. I'm devastated because we were best friends before (and slowly trying very hard to be friends now but it hurts so much!) but I would cry to sleep after being rejected when I was trying to initiate sex. We had a very affectionate relationship but it was always me initiating things. I know I wouldn't be able to live like this for long but can understand how easy it is to stay with someone you love so much; it saps all your self confidence/esteem/worth and makes you feel ugly (nah I'm not that bad), undesired (doesn't everyone want to be desired) and worthless.
Annabel..talk to your husband. If he does not want to compromise/ work at this leave this relationship, find someone who is a free agent (not your friend); someone who will want to dry those tears and give you mind blowing sex with lots of cuddles, affection and friendship. Good luck

Mindy, Derby,

I so understand this. My partner of 13 years just has no libido. This situation was made worse by a period when he blamed me for not being attractive enough. Then finally after many years of painful rejection, I stopped bothering at all. He now knows that it's him and his physical need for sex is not the same as me. I would go 3 times a week and he is a 3 times a year guy. We have children and I don't want to leave. But here's the thing...I have a friend, married and we get together for a bit of a fling every so often. We both don't want our relationships to change, and they haven't. I initially felt emotionally confused but after a while just compartmentalized it, now it feels like a pleasant interaction between friends. I do get the guilts which keep me awake at night sometimes, still I think my husband would have not choice but to understand. I did tell him how I felt which was a very painful conversation and him not doing anything about it is what motivated me to cheat.

Charo, Seattle,

This is about how you feel not someone telling you sex isn't important. If it's important to you to be desired by your partner and not be made a reject, you should do what you need for your own mental wellbeing. I met my "partner" when I was 35, I'm now nearly 40 and we've had sex once. I love him, we lived together two years, I left him a year ago, he still chases after me and stays with me in my flat. I'm not strong enough to tell him to leave me alone. He can get erections, indulges in porn, (I discovered that secret when I lived with him) but he won't go near me. He teases me about sex, tells me he has dreams about having sex with me but if I walked in the room naked, he'd not notice!! He has three children by three different women, women are attracted to him so I'm perpetualy insecure. My friends say I should go to bed with someone else to get him out of my system but I don't desire anyone else. I feel so trapped it's insane!! If I could have an affair, what freedom that would be!

Tina, birmingham,

loveless and sexless arent always the same and dont always come together. I have been with my husband for seven years, we havent had sex for at least 3 maybe 4 years, not even on our wedding night or honeymoon last year. I love him dearly and we are affectionate we kiss we cuddle we laugh but no sex. When we first got together it was really good, when it started to tail off I used to try and initiate it but he wasnt really interested he said it just wasnt that important to him, the couple of times we did have sex it was a bit of a disaster with him stopping half way through claining to be too hot or another excuse. He tells me Im beautiful and grabs me in horseplay but never anything more

vic, bradford, uk

Hi! i am in same situation.I think,u just bet round the bushes by giving her long advice.the right thing is that if the man is not able to keep up with physical relationship,he should better talk to his other half.imagine if the situation is other way round, if the woman is frigid,i am sure the man will either make noise,force the sex on the woman or find his love out of the marraige.If he is so cool about it, no prblem, go ahead & enkoy ur friend.U r lucky that u have someone as a friend.My husband is so poddesive(inspite of not having sex) that i cannot think of having such priviledge.so just go & feel urself complete.

basumati, coral gables, FL

It is so nice to find out you are not alone. I am so sorry for all you other women, and men, who are in these similar situation. I am a 25 year old woman, in a relationship for 6 years, and married for 3. I have always been the "high desire" partner, but since marriage this has gotten so, so much worse. actually we broke up just before we got engaged becuase I felt emotionally and sexually neglected, and I started a relationship with someone else who was amazing, but my now husband was so hurt, and I loved him in so many other ways, and he responded with passion I had never seen, and he quickly proposed 3 weeks later and swept up in the moment I said yes. Now nearly 4 years later I am suffocating. Our relationship is so wonderful, but we have very little intimacy. I have tried everything to peak his interest, but to no avail. Does my marriage have to end???I cant bear the thought of 3 kids and 10 years down the road being right here. This is not how it is supposed to be!

julie, albany, NY

I think this was a great article...and great comments by some fellow readers. It gave me great insight on the problems with my relationship. Im not married or even engaged but I am in a very committed relationship. Ive been dating my significant other for a little over a year (i know thats nothing compared to the years some of the readers dealt with) and one comment left by a particular person "leave while it's still early" made me start thinking. Not even 21 years old, I wonder I dont see how it's going to get better...but only worse. Do I bite my tongue and just let it go? or GO. He's a wonderful man, but this problem, that has already started seperating us..and reading the other comments has given me reasons to reconsider things.

Mare, Greenwich, CT

WOW...reading all of the previous comments have impacted me tremendously. I am 28, my husband is 31 and we are in a sexless marriage. My husband is a loving, caring and respectable man but he is just not interested in sex. Like Annabel, we've tried everything to no avail. We are fast approaching our three year anniversary having made love only 3 times. I am not kidding....Being a "young" couple, everyone around us assumes we are at it like rabbits, but it's so far from the truth that it hurts. After taking in everyone's opinions, especially from those women who have been in this situation I realize that my option for a fulfilling remainder of my life is divorce. The problem is I am a Christian. I have been praying, seeking counselling but the logical side of me is directing me to this inevitable truth. I am tired of being ignored, feeling inadequate and isolated. If you haven't been in this situation you have no idea how much this can kill one's soul. I'm so scared.

Sandy, Whistler, British Columbia

My husband hasn't had sex with me in 5 years, since I was 18, and he was 28. This has gone through university, moving in and marriage, now people want to know why we haven't got a baby, and the answer is we sleep seperately and he won't come near me, no hugging or kissing.
I hate my life, and have no self esteem left, I put on loads of weight and just want to die.

Abigail Layton, Mungrisdale, Cumbria

I was very surprised that in all the discussion (4 columns) about this issue, no one mentioned the wife of the married friend! Surely, she is a person whose feelings should be as important Annabel's? Can we really just rush headlong toward our own happiness with no consideration for a person who might be devastated by our actions? This married friend has a primary responsibility to his wife and to her happiness (one hopes). It isn't even a question of morality...it just doesn't make sense to interject yourself in any way between married partners whose first priority is to meet each others needs and expectations.

If Annabel feels let down in her marriage, and I think she has been terribly let down physically and emotionally, she should seek to correct her situation honestly, that is to end her marriage and look for an available partner who cares about her. I am surprised that Bel didn't comment her plan to encourage another husband to default on his commitments.

Dr Sylvia Hixson Andrews, Blandford Forum, Dorset

HI
I fully understand his situation, I was in a nearly sexless marriage
for 22 years. The situation kills your self worth in the end my husband left for another sexless relationship as he thought I
would eventually leave the 'marriage'. I have wasted the best years of my life being loyal to this unfeeling man I am now left alone at 50 our daughters home is broken and I feel very bitter.
Unless a woman has been in this situation they can never understand it, you have my full sympathy. After you have explored all the 'help' if there is no change, my advice is to leave sooner
rather than later and build a new life, not easy, but the younger you are the better. I am not an immoral person, but I do understand the pain of this and the spin-off everyday anger it
leaves you with, you can never be fully happy living a sham.
Put yourself and your children first do whats best fr the family
but in my experience staying is not always the answer.

anne draper, wigan, lancahire england

Very interesting discussion, and some astute and moving comments which I recognize and with which I sympathize.
Me ? Been there, done that, no tee-shirt though...
I would strongly recommend having an affair. STRONGLY. I say this because to suffer in a physically affectionless marriage is terrible for the party for whom this is important; one atrophies almost, wonders (usually without justification) if one no longer makes love well, has lost attractiveness etc. Well an affair, whilst rarely a long term solution, settles ALL those questions straight away and brings into focus sharply what one is looking for in life and what is important.
I also ended up resenting my wife because, by my logic, if she really loved me she would have allowed me intimacy knowing how important it was for me. Awful.
The affair won't solve much as concerns your marriage, but will undoubtedly sort out many personal problems that stem from repeated sexual rejection. Good luck. LIVE !!

Pablo, paris,

I have been in this situation for 35 years. I truly believe that some people, of both sexes, are asexual. In my case things were made worse by my husband having a mental breakdown at the start of the marriage but when he was better and I realised that the sexual side of things would never improve I sought a divorce. I backed down when he threatened everything from financial ruin to suicide and stayed for the sake of the children. I had a few opportunistic encounters and for many years thought I would meet someone else but this did not hapen. In my late forties I decided to seek a long-term lover and have now had two long term affairs (the internet now makes this easy). My husband accepts this in order to preserve our otherwise happy marriage. He actually says he is 'relieved'. After years of deep unhappiness, the agony of continous rejection and feeling unattractive when I knew I was not, I can say that I (we, even) have never been happier. Affairs save as many marriages as they wreck!

Venetia, London, UK

Between 1999 and 2002 I was having affairs with six different women. Obviously I was mentally ill. When my wife discovered this she, rather than just kick me out, got me the mental help I needed. We're celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary in May and taking a second honeymoon in June. The six women I was bonking I hope also got the mental help they needed. Only a sick woman would risk destroying a family to satisfy sexual lust. Hey, stick within God's top 10 rules and you'll be OK long term.

Alexaner P Potemchik, Boston, MA

Forget affairs; who needs that stress everytime the phone rings? Taking yourself off to BKK twice a year will go some way to balance the supply-demand ratio. Emotional involvement? Who needs it?

Jason, Yokohama, Japan

As Bel points out the key to a husbands lack of libido probably lies in his childhood and is nothing to do with you, but the doubt destroys confidence and it is almost impossible to remember a time when you felt desirable. All of which is destructive and painful. It is unfair that our self belief is so tied up in how one other person behaves, I have no easy answers and it appears from reading this that no one else does either. No-one has taken into account how you may feel breaking up the family or whether that is even financially viable, I like to believe that you will already know what you want to do and have the courage to do it, and will be aware that the result may be the one outcome you hadnt expected Perhaps if you imagine how you would feel if the issue were forced, for example that your lover decided to tell your husband about your affair in order to get you to leave him, your immediate emmotional response may help you decide what to do . with love whatever you decide

Celeste, Bath,

Your letter reveals you see all your unhappiness as a result of your husbands behaviour. All marital problems are 50/50 - look at your own behaviour - you are as much at fault as your husband. When is the last time you put your arms around your husband , for comfort if nothing else. When did you last tickle him, share a joke, make him laugh? The poor man must be at least as miserable as you.
When you begin to address your own behaviour you will see an improvement. Do not despair. Do not have an affair. Please keep faith in your marriage - it is sacred and holy. Try to ligthen up - have a wrestling match with your mate . or something physical- just for fun.Pray to your God for help. I will pray for you. You are deeply loved.

hala, scunthorpe, lincolnshire

having an affair with someone you know is getting into a semi-marriage that can eventually fizzle possibly leaving yourself with doubts about your appeal. If youre looking for sex, and it seems to me your are, get out and have a fling with a stranger (taking the proper precaution against disease) and let it go at that. It's also safer to your status since love takes no part. If you go that route you'll probably get closer to your spouse since the hard feelings you have will abate.

Matthew, New York,

There can be any number of emotional and physical reasons why Annabel's husband is behaving as he does and the longer it is not investigated by the necessary medical and marriage guidance professionals the more intractable it will become.
Having now been married now for 28 years nearly I fell in love with a younger married woman after 16 of those years but luckily we both resisted the affair. Today I am happily married having spent two years in the doldrums of my then otherwise loveless marriage, temporarily as it turned out, that has fully recovered and is better now than it has ever been. But it took a very long time of nursing it back to health.
Do whatever it takes Annabel to turn it around. Can you imagine ever not being friends with him?

Ian, TRURO, England

Don't do it. If you are unhappy with your marriage then end it; but don't enter on an affair that will cheapen and demean all three of the relationships that you and your lover will find yourself in. There are things that are much worse than living in a sexless marriage: living a lie, being untrue to your own moral values, and having to hide this deceit every day from those around you, is one of them.

Jason, London,

It seems to me that the problem in annabel's marriage, whatever the cause, is now much deeper than a lack of sex.

surely the comments, "we...are still the best of friends" on the one hand and, "he does nothing to change and I cry myself to sleep most nights", "I can’t cope with the TORTURE of feeling ignored, " (my emphasis) and, "I wonder whether I could forgive him for so many years of insensitivity to my unhappiness," are irreconcilable.

I do not understand how one can have any sort of satisfactory or meaningful relationship with someone whom one doubts one could forgive.

if the last three quotes are set out, surely the couple must split for those reasons, the lack of sex being the cause of the breakdown rather than itself being the current problem

JR, London,

A year ago I was a depressed, overweight alcoholic in a loveless marriage. My wife, a bright intelligent and ambitious woman , mother of our two children does not want, for whatever reasons (and I'm sure they are very good ones), to make love more than once a month. Last summer I decided to take matters in hand, went to the gym, lost the weight, stopped the boozing... all with the help of a wonderful woman with whom I had begun an affair. My self-esteem has risen immeasurably and my depression has gone. My lover understands that to leave my wife and children (all of whom I love dearly) would hurt them and me. The main 'plus' is that being "selfish" and putting myself first I now have more to give to my wife and family. They have noticed even if intimacy with my wife is still absent from the equation.

Annabel. Don't hesitate. Follow your heart, put yourself first. Everyone will benefit. 90% of robert's advice is A1. Not sure about the 'honesty' though. You know your husband best.

James, London, UK

Unfortunately a relationship can turn from sensual to familial - the other partner basically becomes like a sibling/parent and there is almost an incest prohibition that kicks - - and consequently lust not only disappears, but becomes an anathema.
And when that happens it's over - and it's very hard to tell the partner - you just let your life drag on, unfulfilled

Paul, Auckland, New Zealand

Generally speaking, affairs are the best thing that can happen to a marriage. As soon as the rut kicks in, usually after 5 or 6 years, both should start looking for an outside adventure. It is absolutely crucial to discus this openly and honestly. Taking up an affaire in secret is lethal to a marriage.
One should make an effort to spend minimal one day in a fortnight with the second lover.
I advise strongly against vacationing together. Do not overdo!
Also: keep it outside the marital house and bed as a matter of respect and good taste.
Good luck!

robert, vancouver, bc

At no point do you question why your husband feels this way, which I find odd- does he not find you attractive any more, or has he no sex drive, per se? It is just possible that he is unhappy too and feels he cannot get out of this sexless marriage? Have you asked him why he is behaving like this- and have you told him how you feel rejected? Rather than fantasize about sex without emotional involvement - and that IS a fantasy - hadn't you better think about whether you want to stay with this man - who is withholding affection for you for whatever reason?
If the sex means that much, you need to face reality- but that means also confronting the situation together, which at least means talking frankly together , possibly couples' counselling and maybe psychotherapy for him, if he has a problem. Your husband has a responsibility to work this out - and be honest with you- but youhave an equal responsibility to make him aware of how you feel. Goodluck.

Andrea, Herts,

My own experience (as a man) - so closely mirrors that of your correspondent that I feel moved. In the end it is not the complete lack of physical sex that makes one feel deadened but the lack of any physical contact at all which makes one feel so abandoned and worthless. My wife, whom I love and admire and who is the mother of my two lovely children simply neither needs nor wants any physical contact with me at all. Not even her hand on mine. The wound is kept open by her refusal to discuss anything to do with the failed relationship. "It will only make it worse". I long for a normal relationship with another woman while feeling dreadfully sorry for my wife and terrified that my life has been ruined by falling for her.

Rick, Devon, UK

has Annabel ruled out a physical cause for her husbands problems?has he seen a doctor for a blood test to rule out a pituitary problem?

jill, darlington, england

Sometimes our human desire to explain everything in psychological terms thwarts other possibilities. What about some old Darwinian medicine? ... Get your men down the gym regularly. As they lose fat, and increase muscle, you'll see their levels of testosterone shooting through the roof. Then the old sexual appetite will come rushing again. It may take a few months of consistent training but he'll get there.

David, Hemel Hempstead,

Divorce. Your. Husband!

You've got every reason to, and would you be any worse off than you are now? Just because you divorce, that doesn't mean you'll never see or hear from him again.

As far as having an affair goes, I know many people who have done that, and none of them are happy. Whatever else happens, if you cheat, you are the bad guy.

Once you are divorced, you will have complete freedom to do whatever you please!

Patrick Dimble, Oxford, UK

Surely honesty would be a better alternative to a covert tryst? Why lie? Why buy in to a cycle of guilt, or play the role of a 'good wife' when you clearly don't want to? Whatever your relationship with your husband is, it is clearly not a marriage as any reasonable person would define it. Better to end it, or at least advise him that you plan to have affairs to satisfy your sexual needs and let him deal with that decision, than to hide your true feelings and then reproach yourself for your 'dirty little secret'.

Peter Pollock, London,

Life is now. Without sex, men& women wither and their health fails. You should definitely just go for it and have the sexual experience you want to have with who you want to have it with. Our society is too hung up on fidelity. If your husband doesn't fancy you, it really does mean that he does not love you. When men are "in love", they basically have biological lust. No lust, no love. Long term marriage is simply a coalition of fear of solitude or the alternative for most people. Fear is the enemy of love. Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words. You will feel like a new woman.

Claire, London,

In my experience your comments regarding the turmoil of emotions is so true. Having gone so long without satisfaction Annabel will fall head over heels and will want more. Will her ex-colleague? He may enjoy the affair , press all the right buttons and making love will be fanrtastic - but he may have no intention of leaving his wife. This will leave Annabel desperately unhappy and more discontented. Result - end of marriage. As you have guessed I have been down this route. I am re-married to a man who loves me dearly and I value that and reciprocate. The sex , right from the start, is not as previously experienced but had my lover done as I begged and left his family for me I am old enough and wise enough to realise that the relationship most likely would never have survived the guilt. At 60 (twenty five years on) the memories bring a warmth to my heart and a smile to my lips and will do at 85!
Better to have loved/lusted and lost than never to have loved at all?

Jackie Heath, OXFORD, ENGLAND