Dear Bel,

My husband’s messiness is driving me insane. I have been married for 17 years and known him for 23. We have three children from 11 to 16 and live abroad, both working in demanding jobs. My husband travels a lot; I hardly travel at all. I went back to full-time work six years ago, having done some consultancy work while bringing up our children. Between jobs, chores and children there is little quality time for each other, but we accept this and share tasks as much as possible. However, the bulk of the organising, the running of daily family life and household falls on me. This is not because my husband won’t do it, it’s more that he is often away and even when at home has further to travel than I do and leaves the house well before the rest of the family, returning at around 8pm.

He is a lovely, gentle person, kind and generous, a wonderful father, a rock in my storms. We adore him. He does the shopping and is a wonderful cook. The problem – my problem – is that he’s impossibly messy and disorganised. Admittedly, I found this out early on in our relationship. I remember my shock at the mess in his student room. It didn’t seem to matter so much back then.

Here are some of the things he habitually does: walks in, discards his shoes in the middle of the floor; leaves his dirty socks wherever he takes them off; never hangs up his coat; leaves piles of loose change on any surface available; leaves nail clippings on the floor; spills and doesn’t wipe up; leaves tumble-dried and potentially wearable clothes in a heap on top of the washing machine; leaves beard shavings in the sink; turns the car into a dustbin; rarely fills in cheque stubs and when he does it’s illegible, causing chaos.

He doesn’t like his bad habits being pointed out but says he’ll try to change. He tries, then inevitably reverts to his former behaviour. Until four months ago we had never had any domestic support. To address one thing that frequently reduced me to tears (the heap of tumble-dried clothes that, if dealt with, wouldn’t have needed ironing), I decided to get a cleaning lady. She does most of the laundry but there’s an undercurrent of resentment on my husband’s part that we are now paying for domestic help. I’ve chosen to ignore him on this one.

As a couple we are unusual. We’ve never had a row, respect each other enormously and do not wish to hurt each other. Yet I can’t seem to solve his slobbish behaviour. I don’t want to pick up shoes, hang up coats, pick up nail clippings and dirty socks from the floor. I don’t want to switch off lights, throw out dried-up food or sort out mess in the car. I find myself feeling so angry that I just cannot stand it any more.

–– Catherine

You prefixed your letter with an apology that this isn’t serious enough to warrant my attention. Some readers may think it trivial; many (both genders) will identify. Yet it’s a real issue upsetting you, and from such small sparks come conflagrations that end marriages. What happens when small annoyances start to threaten longstanding love? When I read the list of your husband’s misdemeanours I thought “Yuk – I couldn’t live like that,” and it was odd how that feeling offset your fulsome praise of his character. Anyone who accuses you of pettiness misunderstands the essential nature of marriage.

Regarding your home life through the lighted window of your description, two things shine out. First, you are both far too busy and tired, and probably feel trapped because you see no way of changing the situation, simply because of the demands of work. Second, although the quality of your relationship is not in doubt, you have tended to put unsullied harmony and mutual respect on a pedestal, at the expense of expressing your true feelings. Proudly, you say you never quarrel, but many therapists regard that as unhealthy. It’s clear, for instance, that your husband must have been a slob for all the years you’ve been together, but you have bitten your lip because you didn’t want to nag. Yet at the beginning, when you were young, it wouldn’t have counted as nagging. Young couples can mould to each other’s ways, giving and taking, discussing, getting mad, making up – growing together. But for years you picked up after him and let him trash the kitchen because you loved him and were so grateful for his good qualities. Maybe you compared him with your father and felt lucky. Now that he’s older, frazzled and feeling isolated within the family home, this aspect of his nature is becoming a focus for other things that make you unhappy – which you must address.

You say there’s “little quality time”, then brush the point aside with “we accept this”. I don’t believe it. It’s imperative that you sit down together and thrash out some of the issues, before you flip and garrotte him with two unironed shirt sleeves or crack him over the head with that jar on which he failed to replace the lid. You’d like him to travel less, have more time with the children, help you with the masterplan of organising home and family. He might like not always to cook when he’s at home; he might long to be less rock-like and tell you all his troubles. You need to ask him why he resents paying for help, not ignore it; he needs to listen carefully to you when you explain how his thoughtless untidiness is spoiling things. Since you are both so shattered a lot of the time, shouldn’t you be talking long term to see if work patterns can change? You have to address the quality of your life, which is a bit stained and crumpled itself at the moment.

Why don’t you call a family “summit”? Those children are certainly old enough to do their bit – and I bet they tend to ape their father and make a mess as well. You need to employ some of the tricks and rules those super-nannies (and competent parents) use to achieve some discipline in the home. What about a good old-fashioned rota of chores – from cleaning the kitchen to making sure coats are hung up to Dysoning floors? Put it up on the wall, and instigate rewards and fines. If your husband sees how serious you are and feels a part of a new system rather than someone who is picked on, he might just learn to respect your wishes. After all, if you know it upsets your partner to see you clipping your toenails on to the bedroom floor, and yet you still do it, you are snipping away at your relationship – and shouldn’t be surprised if it gets swept into the dustbin.

DO YOU NEED ADVICE?

Do you need advice about your relationships?
E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT.
Details such as your age are helpful. Please include your real name, but we will use your chosen pseudonym if you wish. Bel Mooney reads all letters but cannot enter into personal correspondence

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