Dear Bel,

My husband is 65 and religious but has an eye for attractive women. For the past few years he has been coming to bed between 1 and 3am, saying he fell asleep watching a film. Four months ago I put the television on upstairs and was horrified to see that he was watching pornography on our main set. I watched at the same time for five nights and it was either an erotic film or pornography. On the fifth night I confronted him and he denied it, but the guilt was all over his face. I insulted him and after two days of aloofness he confessed that he had been watching pornography as he “wanted to learn from it”. He lied, saying that he had been doing this only for five nights. We are not very happy at the moment. I do not know how to help him with his guilt, or myself with my feelings, so that we can both move on.

–– Isabel

I am sure he feels very guilty, but confused and cross too. He won’t be the first to be caught between moral conviction and basic curiosity. There will be many who think that a man his age watching some sexy TV (not internet porn) inflicts no wounds on the world. Yet it does hurt you, since knowing your husband is addicted to watching young, beautiful women having sex does nothing for the self-confidence, does it? I sympathise with your jealousy and shock. But, look – of course your husband has some sexual needs and if watching late-night erotica helps him, then why not give him “permission” to watch once a week? He may be so embarrassed that he won’t bother. The deeper problem lies in your disillusionment. But if he isn’t the man you thought he was, remember the elders in the Bible spying on Susanna, and realise that he is all too human. Can’t you shrug it off, for the sake of the life you have shared?

DO YOU NEED ADVICE?

Do you need advice about your relationships?
E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT.
Details such as your age are helpful. Please include your real name, but we will use your chosen pseudonym if you wish. Bel Mooney reads all letters but cannot enter into personal correspondence

Times recommends

• Live chat: Thrifty ways to update your winter wardrobe
• Is anybody out there really listening?
• Nutrition Q&A: Will eating late make me fat?