Dear Bel,
Last year I married for the second time. My husband brought up his late wife’s
children, and I have two. I consider that I have four children, as I love
his 21-year-old stepdaughter and 20-year-old stepson as my own.
I am close to our stepdaughter, though there have been difficult times. She
threatened me with violence and stole. She attacked her stepfather and
vandalised the home of one of her teachers. I was sympathetic as she lost
her father when she was 2 and her mother when she was 14.
When I got married my husband moved in with me, but our stepdaughter wanted a
flat of her own. Her mother left the children some money. My husband pays
the rent on her flat, and this is deducted from her inheritance with a view
to her paying it herself when she is firmly established in the job market.
She has been in a good job for a year. The problem is that, over the past
two years, she has run up to £14,000 of debts on credit and store cards, has
been given a county court judgment for nonpayment of council tax and her
bank has frozen her account. My husband has bailed her out time and again. I
have spoken to her about budgeting but she says that she will maintain her
image, no matter what.
I am worried that, by helping her out, my husband is causing her long-term
harm, and that she will not stop her demands for cash when her inheritance
runs out, and that my husband will be unable to say no. I am also deeply
worried about her drinking, smoking and food disorders, as well as her
continuing bouts of violence. She attacked a man in a pub and was hit around
the head a couple of months ago. I have suggested that she has counselling,
and that we sort out a budget for her, but she will not listen.
My husband has developed irritable bowel syndrome because of the stress. His
father is terminally ill, so there is added unhappiness to deal with. I have
tried to speak to my husband about how this is affecting us all, and have
told him that I am unwilling to spend our income subsidising my
stepdaughter’s habits, which is what will happen if she continues to ask for
money. He veers between ranting that he will cut her off, and slipping £20
notes through her door because she has spent her food money on cigarettes.
He then says that I am being unkind to his stepdaughter, which is not true.
I just want her to sort her life out. Every day the phone rings with a new
drama that he has to deal with, and I just do not know what else I can do.
Helene
Sometimes readers write, after reading a particular reply, and gently take me
to task for not asserting that therapy is a “must” for the problem
highlighted in that column. Often I try to give practical advice as well as
food for thought, and don’t mention therapy because it seems to be so
obvious that the “talking cure” can help that for me to suggest it by rote
is almost a glib cop-out. The truth is, just as the unhappy married people
who write to me cannot physically force their spouses to go to Relate, so
people like your husband’s stepdaughter cannot be coerced into counselling.
So what’s to be done?
Clearly this disturbed young woman has many problems, and you are right that
she needs urgent help to confront her destructive demons, deal with her
addictions and learn how to manage her anger and her life. The trouble is,
you and your husband won’t have a chance of helping her to reach the
decision to seek help unless you have sorted out a strategy for dealing with
her and with each other. At the moment you’re all over the place.
First you have to focus on your husband, who is being made ill by worry over
this. You have “tried” to talk to him; why is this so diffi-cult? You need
to sit down together and calmly, decisively work out how you are going to
confront this as a team – and it’s very important for you to be strong for
his sake. I understand your increasing anxiety, but if this communicates
itself to him as irritability (even nagging), then no progress will be made.
You may be understandably indignant that he accuses you of unkindness to
this young woman to whom you have shown affection, but if you show him how
hurt and cross this makes you, again, it will be counterproductive. He needs
to be reassured of your love, and told that your first concern is for his
welfare – yes, over and above your concern for hers.
Encourage him to be as open as possible to you about his feelings for his
stepdaughter, because he may be very confused and unable to express it. You
need to ask him questions, gently trying to unpick what’s going on in his
head. After all, he took on two fatherless children, who then lost their
mother at the very time (adolescence) they needed her most. It would have
been very hard for him to deal with; he did his best as a good stepfather (I
hope), but if sometimes he now feels negative about this girl, followed by
terrible guilt at that feeling, there isn’t a person in the world who
wouldn’t understand. He needs to acknowledge his ambivalence, and know that
it is perfectly natural, to work out the best way of helping her. It’s also
very important that he doesn’t feel that you are selfishly stressing out
about your own income – even though (in one sense) you are. In the end,
although she is huge debt, this isn’t about money. It’s about a young woman
who is crying out for help yet seems incapable of receiving it.
Certainly being as inconsistent as you describe will not help a bit. This
young woman is on the receiving end of his frustrated anger and his
unthinking, panicky largesse in turn. It can do nothing but confuse her
still further: stuffing £20 notes through her letter box could be seen as a
way of brushing her aside, buying her off, or however you choose to put it.
There is a lot of controversy about the “tough love” programmes, in which, to
put it in a nutshell, parents withdraw unconditional support and negotiate
stages of help (eg, you can come back home once you have entered a
rehabilitation programme), often in a seemingly brutal way. The obvious
danger is that it can make the troubled teens feel even worse, and intensify
their root feelings of being unworthy, unloved, unloveable. Yet I’m
wondering if this young woman might benefit from a version of tough love –
starting with a little plain speaking (which doesn’t mean ranting and
hand-wringing) and firm action. If her stepfather goes on helping her out he
is colluding in her self-de-structive behaviour. Some people call it
“enabling” – using that word in a negative way, in that if you throw
banknotes at an addict you are helping them to buy more booze, cigarettes,
cocaine, or whatever it is they need to get through the day. I think it very
important for your husband to realise this. So – no more bailing her out.
When you say that you’ve spoken to her about budgeting and she replied in
terms of maintaining her image, I would have asked “What image?” That of a
drunken, brawling female who reeks of nicotine? And I’d have pointed out to
you that to speak of a budget is like trying to mend a gaping wound with a
small strip of sticking plaster. I would want to sit down with this girl and
ask her why exactly she is so angry, when she began feeling that way, and
what would she think if her best friend behaved as she does. I would ask if
she feels out of control, and whether she truly believes there is no way of
changing that situation. Her self-esteem is clearly at rock-bottom, and the
reasons for this will start back in her childhood, but she needs to be
brought to the point where she is genuinely curious about this herself. Then
she may agree to counselling – which should be paid for out of her
inheritance, or at least 50-50. She has to take responsibility for herself
and accept the consequences of her behaviour.
Is it possible for you to spend some time with her to start raising these
issues? I know how hard it will be, but once you and your husband have made
the pact not to go on giving her money somebody needs to explain why. I
suspect woman-to-woman would be better than a threatening family summit. You
began your letter by saying that you love her as if she were your own. Does
she know that? Write down on a piece of paper why you love her, and begin by
showing her the list.
DO YOU NEED ADVICE?
Do you need advice about your relationships? E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk
or write to her at: times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Details
such as your age are helpful. Please include your real name, but we will use
your chosen pseudonym if you wish. Bel Mooney reads all letters but cannot
enter into personal correspondence
