Dear Bel,

My parents, both in their fifties, are going through marital problems. Six years ago they bought businesses in the Midlands. As we live in London, my Dad spent half his time in London and half in the Midlands. He grew withdrawn and I suspected he was having an affair, which he denied when I confronted him. I told Mum of my suspicions but she believed Dad. In October he admitted to a three-year affair with an employee but said he was not willing to give her up. He asked Mum to let him continue the relationship.

That part hurt the most – that he expected Mum, my sis and me to live his lie and keep up the pretence that we are a happy, close family. Always a “daddy’s girl”, it’s been hard for me to accept the person he’s become – greedy, arrogant and selfish. Mum said no to the double life and he said he would end his relationship and work to repair his marriage. Mum’s one request was that he fire his mistress to make a fresh start. Six months later she still works for him and Mum has stepped in, helping Dad with work – which means she has had to work side by side with the mistress. My sis and I were devastated at this arrangement.

We see he is using Mum, treating her with no respect. A strong, confident woman is reduced to a doormat. It’s heartbreaking to watch. I talked to my Dad last week and he admitted that he was carrying on because he didn’t want to lose me and my sis. I told him it was selfish and unfair to lie to Mum; he must take responsibility for his actions instead of burying his head in the sand. I suggested he move out and live alone. He did so, but talked to Mum on the phone and broke down in tears, saying he’s confused.

My Dad is a weak man and is no good at being alone; he has now decided to move in with his mistress. Though upset, I felt relief that a decision was reached. Then I found out that Mum has told him to try it but to come back if it doesn’t work out. That’s so hard to deal with. When he talks to me about Mum it’s with bitterness and resentment, as if she has held him back all these years. He’s treated her so badly, yet she still hopes he’ll come back. Even if he did I don’t see how they have any chance of rebuilding a life together. I have been Mum’s constant support but I feel she is giving in to Dad and showing what little self-respect she has. I have been trying to get Mum to see a solicitor; Dad has already started moving money around. I desperately want Mum to open her eyes and to prepare for a future without him. I’m emotionally drained, physically exhausted and want to continue supporting my Mum but don’t know how. Lynda

You don’t say how old you are, but this much I know: you should not be having to deal with all this anguish, and yet, like so many young people, you have no choice. You say in your long, unedited letter that you hope writing this would be a “kind of therapy”. I hope so too. I also hope the admirable maturity of your style will not blind those who read it to the profound nature of the pain you are suffering – and your (younger, I’m guessing) sister too. People make a terrible mistake when they save their sympathy for the younger children of broken (or breaking) marriages, in the mistaken assumption that older teenagers or people in their twenties are old enough to understand and cope. It isn’t the case. An eight-year-old can be mollified with a longed-for toy from “daddy’s new friend” whereas an 18-year-old has ten more years of family life to grieve for. So I am very grateful to you for telling your story to remind us all of the realities.

Your father is not the first man or woman to have an affair at work, and Lord knows, he will not be the last. It probably began as a “bit of fun”, like the relationship that “Clare” is in. She wrote concisely in February: “This might seem a pathetic problem compared to most you receive and you’ll probably tell me to get a life. I have been having an affair for the past year with a lovely man. We are both happily married to our spouses for 25+ years, and don’t intend to break up either marriage. It’s just fun and exciting and sexy. We know it can’t and won’t go on forever, tho I know I’ll feel heartbroken when we finish. Am I having my cake and eating it?”

The answer is, of course “Yes”. But I refuse to judge Clare for that very human impulse. Instead of sneering “Get a life”, I’d cry: “Oh, please be careful of your life.” For those long “happy” marriages are very fragile edifices, and if this exciting, sexy fun is rumbled you can bet their loving spouses will call it a very different name. “It’s so easy to fall in love” sang Buddy Holly (well before your time) and of course it is true. How many letters to this column have been written at tear-soaked kitchen tables by the casualties of passion? So many. We should never – ever – underestimate the price that has to be paid, both for the moment’s frenzy and for the gradual growth of what may be a real, deep love outside the marriage, causing divorce. The feelings behind your letter, and your mother’s unhappiness, are the price.

Before you can go on being a support to your mother, you have to learn to accept and deal with your feelings of disillusion with both of your parents. Those of us lucky enough to be brought up in relatively stable families can remember the golden childhood where Dad and Mum were the king and queen of fairytale, so big, so strong, so handsome, so protective. Then, inevitably, the wicked interloper brings knowledge like a prick to the heart: the sound of their quarrels, the awareness of weakness, the irritation with foibles – and the growth of that permanent sadness that derives from the realisation that if perfection is impossible there, it is impossible everywhere.

Your anger with your father needs no analysis; it is real and justified, and given added intensity because of your previous, self-confessed adoration of him. Like “Clare” he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and responded selfishly and cruelly when somebody told him he couldn’t have his own way. People do that, you know. They say things they don’t mean – like those criticisms of your mother, which are simply an attempt to justify his actions. There are probably moments when you say you want nothing more to do with him, but can I just gently ask you to reflect that later in your life you will feel differently?

No matter what happens between your parents, you will want to keep the door open for your father, for the love between you has not been cancelled out by his actions, just severely tested, and altered too. He is not the wonderful man you thought he was, just the flawed human being who joined in love with your mother to give you life.

You are finding it hard to accept that your mother would have him back despite all he has inflicted on her. But that does not surprise me at all. Many women in her situation try to convince themselves that this is just a mid-life crisis and if they hunker down and wait the errant husband will come to his senses. Does this make them weak and foolish? Not necessarily. To cling to the idea of “for better, for worse” can be a proof of great strength and lasting, unconditional love. Perhaps it was unnecessarily masochistic of her to work alongside the mistress, but who can judge her for trying to cope? What’s more, for many women in middle age the contemplation of an independent life can be far more terrifying than staying put in an unhappy home. Wise as you are, I think you already know all that. Your respect for your Mum should not be sullied by the little compromises she has tried to make, nor the fact that she clings to hope.

But you can help her to be practical. She should certainly find a solicitor to protect her interests because your father must be watched very carefully. If he does indeed find domestic bliss with his new woman he will certainly be motivated to line his pockets at your Mum’s expense – and this he has absolutely no right to do. Tell her she has to look after you and your sister, even if she isn’t bothered about herself. A judicial separation is surely the way forward; this would not prevent any reconciliation.

Lastly – and very important: you must look after you! Don’t think you have to carry the load of your family problems alone. Did you realise that Relate offers far more than marriage guidance? Visit www.relate.org.uk/ wantadvice/utalk or ring 0845 4561310 to find out about the free service for young people whose parents are splitting up.

I’m sure one of the things a counsellor will tell you is that whatever befalls your parents, they both love you and your sister very much, and always will.

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