Smash hit

Whoever is setting you up for dates is being helpful; you should certainly go on trying to construct a life to parallel the part-time one Mr M has with this difficult woman he thinks he loves. Go through the motions! Make sure he knows what a good time you are having (even if you have to fib a little). Also, do anything else (do you have a job?) to build vital independence. Not having your toothbrush at his house isn’t the end of the world.

In the meantime he and you will go on seeing each other, and as long as you don’t pick at the scab of his other relationship, the healing for it could come from your side. I don’t see that “heartbreak” is inevitable at all. You have no idea whether he will sustain his second attempt at a relationship with her, and so to give in at this point would be premature. You imply that you are good friends who talk a lot and have great fun together.

Nothing is more important. So many of the younger couples who walk up the aisle in spurious finery, having exchanged their vows before families and friends, know nothing of that, which is why their marriages don’t last. Believe me, it is far more important than passion. I think you have much to build on, and that if you can bear the fact that he sees her — and keep your mouth shut about it — you will move towards a situation where it is you, not her, who becomes indispensable to him.

And what if, after all, it is to end in tears? They may be his, because you could meet somebody else on one of these dates whom you like just as much. They may be yours, because some demon makes him choose conflict over harmony, and in the end he lets you go. But the cumulative warmth of the happy times you have enjoyed together could turn out to be a memory you will cherish for ever.

You can choose life and feeling over safety, realising that it is possible to do battle with possessiveness, to tolerate somebody’s confusion, to accept (in that phrase I am so fond of) the shortfall in happiness. I predict that he will realise how lucky he is to be around somebody who shows a generosity of spirit that transcends being merely “in love.”

Dear Bel,

My father provokes our children (7 and 9) by, for example, standing in front of the TV during their favourite programme. They say they don’t like him, and I’ve tried to brush this off but it bothers me. I don’t want the children to be rude or ignore him but don’t know how to avoid inevitable conflicts.

On a recent visit I lost my temper. We left early next day before seeing my father (I said goodbye to my mother). A week later she wrote defending my father’s actions, with comments about the children’s rudeness. I’d like my father to apologise. Is this unrealistic?

Rachel, 42

He’s a difficult man, but he isn’t going to change. The children are young, and they can. They need steering towards a different attitude to grumpy Grandad, otherwise the family will be split, and when your parents are dead you will be so sorry. It sounds as if your father is craving attention, while you are pretty wrapped up in these children.

They shouldn’t cheek him, no matter how he annoys them. You have to tell them, for their sake, as much as his.

Apologies are irrelevant here. The kids should each draw him a card (no option here) saying they’re looking forward to seeing him next time. Then, remember what Dad liked doing with you when you were small. Couldn’t you suggest something similar now for him to share with the kids — even a game of Monopoly? They need to get to know him. “Project Grandad” (with a secret prize at the end) could be compiling his “ biography” — with questions and old photos. This will take a (tiring) mixture of cajoling and control from a good parent who is also a good daughter.

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