Dear Bel, I’m in a long-term relationship for my age (soon 18) — three
years next week. I love Carl so much; he is caring and we’ve shared some
unforgettable experiences, though he won’t be able to cope when I go to
university this October because of the jealousy he expresses whenever
another man even looks at me. This used to be flattering; now it is almost
unbearable.
Two years ago I met a wonderful Frenchman while on holiday and stayed in
touch with Luc (now 20) via e-mail. He is interesting, caring and gorgeous,
and has been learning English at university.
It used to be simple to differentiate my feelings between Carl and Luc
until a few weeks ago, when Luc came to England to work for a month. I
hesitated over meeting him, but secretly did so twice. I will soon go to
France on holiday, where we will spend two weeks together. I can’t wait.
My mum says that I am young, not married, and “what Carl doesn’t know can’t
hurt him”. Luc says he can wait for me through university and claims he has
had no desire to be with or sleep with anyone but me since two years ago. I
don’t want to break up with Carl. I do love him, and despite our many
arguments can’t imagine not being with him. What is your opinion?
Julia
I’m afraid you have already broken up with Carl. Your relationship is all but
over and of course you can “imagine” not being with him, because you have
been thinking about Luc for two years. I agree in part with your sensible
mother — except for the fact that what Carl doesn’t know will hurt him,
which is why you can’t just drift on like this. It would be easy to pat you
on the head and say, “You’re young so just relax and play the field”, but
that would ignore the fact that your current confusion is not at all unusual
— and transcends age. We need to unpick some of the issues so you can open
the door into the next room of your life and walk forward happily, leaving
Carl behind — and realising that you are likely to leave Luc behind too.
You started dating Carl when you were 15, and he was your first love. It’s an
important one, setting the standard for other loves, and you were lucky. You
found a devoted person and enjoyed some wonderful times, which you will
always think of with gratitude and affection. That is — unless they are
spoilt by what is happening now. Many people find it almost unbearable to
walk away from a relationship even when all the signs indicate they should.
We cling to our memories because the future is full of holes, whereas the
past is a closely woven mat, useful in its familiarity. The trouble is, what
was once love can quickly slide into sentiment — that is, an emotion which
is remembered rather than being freshly experienced. That is how you feel
about Carl now.
Do you know that old saying — that we grow as much through the friends we
leave behind as through those we make? It sounds exploitive, but touches an
important truth. Couples have to develop simultaneously, like two trees side
by side. It doesn’t work if one overshadows the other, which is what is
happening now with you two. Unless you admit to yourself the extent to which
you have outgrown Carl, you will be unable to move on. A part of you may be
terrified at the thought of leaving home and going to university, and clings
to the vestiges of first love because it represents a part of your youth
that you know will never come again. But you are growing and changing, and
this is the way the world works: nature as well as human nature.
Just as the leaves have to fall in order for cleansing winter to happen and
spring to follow, so we have to be brave and acknowledge the falling-off in
a relationship when it occurs. How else can we welcome our own new growth?
As well as thinking about yourself, it is equally important to consider Carl.
Either way, he is going to pay a price. Unless you draw the conclusion which
will be obvious to everybody else — that your first love is over — you will
continue to imprison him in a relationship which is clearly going nowhere. I
believe you owe it to him to break up.
At first I was going to suggest that it would be easier to wait until you have
gone away and then write the “Dear John” letter. (This happened to me,
incidentally, and I will never forget the pain of hurting that first serious
boyfriend.) But perhaps that’s cowardly.
Don’t you think it would be far more mature to be straight with him now,
instead of continuing to string him along — as, I’m afraid, you are?
Imagine what it is like for Carl at the moment. He knows in his heart that
something is wrong, because of the way you have been behaving. He is also
aware that he probably isn’t as academically able as you are, and feels
nothing but dread at the thought of you going away to university. With his
self-confidence at rock bottom, and you feeling both torn and guilty, you
quarrel most of the time, which is exhausting and negates the good times
you’ve had. So he is suspicious and feels inferior, which fuels the jealousy
he has always manifested. (At the first sign of jealousy I would be out of
the door.) This is a potentially explosive mixture, which is why it wouldn’t
be wise to let it go on deteriorating.
The gorgeous French boy is par for the course: every woman’s fantasy. You were
perceptive to wonder if your feelings for him were a product of escapism,
but now you think they are more than that. Luc is saying he will wait for
you, but he probably won’t, nor do I think he necessarily should. Of course
he is being romantic, but please don’t let that affect your behaviour. Enjoy
the romance, but you should be going off to university with an open mind and
an open heart — ready to meet all sorts of people, have a great time and
expand your intellect too. There are books to be read, films and plays to be
seen, issues to engage with, essays to be written. You don’t need to be
hunched over your laptop in your room sending e-mails to France, or running
up phone bills all the bigger because Luc is striving to remember the
English for aimer à la folie.
Think of the future and be decisive now. Last night I was driving home,
listening to Back to Bedlam. When James Blunt sang, “Goodbye my lover
/ Goodbye my friend / You have been the one. . .’ I suddenly thought of you,
and how those lines encapsulate your situation with Carl. Time for truth: he
has been the one — but he isn’t any more.
Dear Bel,
“It’s not easy to meet single men at my age,” writes a woman reader (age
55). I’m the same age — how does one meet women? I’m in decent shape,
well-off, widely read and travelled. I work on my own all day as a property
restorer, then come home to cook a meal and drink a bottle of good wine on
my own. Joined a salsa dance class (more women than men) but no time for
small talk and afterwards everyone just goes home. Replies to ads met no
response. My confidence isn’t high.
The venerable Marjorie Proops’s answer to this problem was always “join a
political party”. What’s yours?
Philip
I’m sorry your salsa didn’t work out. Perhaps you didn’t give it long enough?
Political activism, an art or language class, sport, dry stone walling,
amateur archaeology or drama, a charity which needs volunteers. . . yes,
these are all proven ways to meet people, so the old advice is good.
Replying to an ad is an artificial thing (although it can work); becoming
friendly over weeks through a shared activity is the best way to bond. The
issue is your confidence. The more this goes on the more isolated and
hesitant you will become, so I urge you immediately to invest in a new
haircut, clothes and men’s moisturiser (really!) and — thus remade a
little — to join two activities in your neighbourhood. Choose one you can
shine at and one completely new — and don’t go in looking for ladies, just
for good company of all sorts.
There might be guys there who you really click with, and they could have
friends or divorced sisters . . . and so it goes. Hopefully you’ll discover
that there are many women out there who’d love to share your food and wine.
DO YOU NEED ADVICE?
E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: T2, 1
Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Please include your real name, but we
will use your chosen pseudonym if you wish. Detail such as your age is
helpful. Bel Mooney reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into
personal correspondence.
