Dear Bel, I am a middle-aged man, married for 15 years. I always hoped
to raise a family. My wife agreed but subsequently changed her mind. That is
a source of bitter regret to me, but I can live with it.
I have much greater difficulty living with a marital relationship
almost entirely devoid of of physical intimacy. I am very tactile; my wife
is not. For the past ten years we have had sex perhaps twice a year. Again,
that is something I could manage without, if only there was something; but
there isn’t. When she first withdrew from intimacy, it was always
accompanied by excuses. Something was always wrong — and I poured a huge
amount of time, effort and money into “solving ” all the “problems” which
she invented. Eventually she simply said it was not what she wanted. It
seems that I must always accept her wishes in the matter of physical
affection, while she is never prepared to recognise mine.
In the past I’ve had a brief affair and a couple of one-night stands,
of which my wife knows nothing. Although they provided a measure of what was
missing from our marriage, they were not the answer because it was not with
my wife. A couple of years ago I left her for a short while, but that was
not the answer either. We both love each other very much. She wanted me
back, and I did not want to live without her. I said I would go back
provided she agreed that we should have some relationship counselling. She
agreed at the time, but then nothing came of it. As a result our
relationship is no better than it was before I left her — probably worse. We
have very different physical needs, and I would have no difficulty accepting
a compromise, but no such thing is on offer. Nor is the subject open for
discussion. What more can I do? Being married is not supposed to be like
this.
Tom
The trouble is that all of us have a vague idea of what marriage is supposed
to be like, and it is usually doomed to disappointment. Milton was happy
with “a meet and fitting conversation”, while absolute sexual compatibility
would be a more modern requirement. I have two other sad letters on this
subject, one from a man who says: “I love my wife dearly — we have a great
family (three boys — 20, 16, 12), we both have good jobs, etc. The problem
is that I have no sex life. We haven’t had sex for 15 months. This doesn’t
seem to be a problem for my wife but is for me and I don’t know what to do.
I’ve tried talking to her about it but there is no change in her attitude.
Maybe I should look elsewhere to meet my physical desires but I know that
would hurt her terribly if she found out.”
Another man writes: : “For more than three years sexual relations have totally
ceased, due to my wife’s refusal. Please do not advise me to go to a
‘single’ session with Relate — the only thing that would help me is a change
of attitude by my wife, and she would not go to Relate — or to a ‘holistic
aromatherapy massage’: what I want is sexual relations with my wife, whom I
still love dearly, but to whom I am no longer able to express this in the
manner I would wish to.”
He was very cross and disappointed because I did not choose his letter (I
cannot always do so); perhaps that was because, not being an expert on
sexuality, I faltered before his hurt and frustration. The truth is, even
those specialists who deal with these matters all the time must sometimes
become anxious because they just don’t know what to say. Here we have three
men who love their wives and have an uncomplicated need to express that love
physically. Yet there are three women who turn their backs, for reasons many
other women reading this will identify with. It is a fact not often written
about that after some years of marriage many women lose desire for their
husbands, and find sex a chore, or worse, a real difficulty. Some are
physically repulsed, though still enjoying daily domestic companionship with
the same man. In previous generations women would have felt obliged to “lie
back and think of England”, as the unfeeling cliché puts it, and yet surely
even then loving husbands would not be happy knowing that their wives
submitted without reciprocal desire. And in any case, like it or not, the
modern woman does not feel bound by what was once seen as marital duty —
encapsulated in that phrase “conjugal rights”. If this were not so common
why are there so many sad jests about “headaches”? The comedian’s audience
may guffaw but the laughter is uneasy, because they know a world of real
pain lies in the bedroom rejection — and many of them will feel it too.
It does seem that Tom’s wife has not been fair, having promised to try to
address the issue through counselling, and then reneged. Not only dishonest,
this is also unhealthy in that it puts one person in charge in the
relationship, with the other as supplicant. She should at least try going
with him to counselling. How can you say you love someone — let alone
sustain a marriage — if you won’t do that one thing for him?
On the larger issue, lack of libido is very common in women but rare in men.
In America they call it Female Sexual Arousal Disorder. There are many
reasons, including tiredness, stress and depression (excluding physical
ones) and sex therapy can help, but obviously only if both partners truly
want a “cure”. Plenty of people (even young) secretly cease to fancy their
partner and resort to tricks like going to bed very late hoping the other is
asleep. In a long-term relationship sex can become mundane, even
embarrassing, or just stop. I used to be blind as well as high-minded, and
question why this should matter if you were good friends with a true
spiritual connection. Older and wiser now, I know it does. The marriage bed
can ache with loneliness.
How do we explain the imbalance between the genders? Perhaps by noticing that
all three of my male correspondents, loving though they may be, speak
bluntly of sex. Women tend to express themselves in terms of cuddles,
affection, romance, stroking, being made to feel special, and so on.
Lovemaking (now there’s a word for you, gentlemen) is but one part of
intimacy experienced at many levels, not just in the bedroom. It was
tenderness that won Lady Chatterley. The “ aromatherapy massage” business
(which Mr X so despises, perhaps significantly) is simply about gentle,
loving touch, which many women ache for — touch that is beyond sexuality,
though it can often lead that way.
If a man feels driven by his wife’s coldness to find somebody else, I can
understand his reasons, but suggest he re-read the above paragraph first. If
a woman grieves at the notion of his infidelity, she has to address the
issue. Couples who keep on having fun together, who share activities, who go
out for a meal to talk, who open a half bottle of supermarket champagne to
celebrate nothing, who evolve little jolly codes like “a KY moment” (let’s
be frank, in middle age, a little help can be needed), and who constantly
think of the other . . . such couples are less likely to end up writing
miserably to a stranger with this problem. The men may feel slightly testy
to be told to go on wooing their wives — I mean, what, after all this time?
Yes. And to the wives I say this: surely it doesn’t cost that much to show a
little love? Give him a hug. We’ll all be dust for a long, long time.
E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or
write to her at: T2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Please
include your real name, but we will use your chosen pseudonym if you wish.
