Dear Bel,
I’m a 25-year-old mother of three children, and have been with their
father for eight years. Recently our daughter, 6, was undergoing surgery, so
at his request I quit my job to stay home and take care of her. He became
the main support for the household as he took on two jobs. We have been
through lots of problems but have remained together through it all. But one
day he lost his main job, rent was due, and there was the child’s surgery.
Then he told me he had met someone he was interested in. I was shocked
and still am. I asked him to go to his mother’s house. The next day he left
our state to go to stay with this woman. I was crushed, the kids too. They
had seen him every day of their lives. It was as if they had gone to sleep
and woken up with half of their world missing.
Now, two weeks later, he’s back, and he wants to come home to stay. He
says he’s sorry, he loves me and he’s sick that he did this to me and the
kids. He says he doesn’t know what his feelings for this woman are but he
loves me and thinks he likes her. I don’t know what to do. I love him and we
have eight years of “investment”, but can I get over it? Can I trust him not
to call her? Please help.
Kinnary
The internet can be such a wonderful thing because it opens us out, quickly
and easily, to the universalities that unite human beings, for better for
worse. I don’t know where you are e-mailing from; since The Times is
online it could be anywhere — although little clues point to the US. Yet it
doesn’t matter, does it? All over the world, as my fingers touch these keys,
such situations are arising — couples looking at each other with weary
hatred, rage, sobbing grief, or mute recrimination, asking “How could you do
this to me?” in many languages.
It is a good question to start with — that “how” — and I can start to see how
and why your partner strayed. To understand is not to justify, but before we
attempt to address any emotional issue we have to unpick motivation. That
is, if you can dignify blind panic with such a term. Because it seems that
suddenly it all became too much for him: money worries added to your
daughter’s need for medical care, and he felt exhausted and trapped. I wish
I knew more: what jobs he did and how he met this woman, for example.
Something tells me it might have been through the web, which is a less
useful function of that tool. But anyway, he fled, and then he came back.
Why did he do so? You met when you were young, had three children, survived
setbacks that might have driven you apart, and have gone on loving each
other in difficult circumstances. That was a strong pull to bring him back.
A cynic might choose to interpret his return as a case of the other
relationship not quite delivering the passion and romance he hoped for, and
so back he comes, tail between his legs, muttering “Better the devil you
know . . .” Well, there might be an element of that, but it doesn’t mean he
doesn’t appreciate what you have built together. The cynic might call him a
coward, but I think I will call him brave.
You know that so much depends on how you handle this situation now, and so you
have to answer your own question “How can I get over it?” First, decide what
you want. The answer may be obvious, since you are clearly proud of your
history together, and say you love him still — but that isn’t enough, for
the thing will not work unless you can summon up true forgiveness from the
depths of your being. Some couples get back together, and then the “wronged”
one punishes the “sinner” every day, by little remarks, huffy silences, and
so on. That’s no good at all. I believe that the way forward is for you to
try to accept what he did as a “blip”, and spend as much time as you can
finding out why, and also asking yourself what your own needs are. That
terrible night, I wish you hadn’t told him to go to his mother’s house, and
that you could have sent the children there instead. I know it might have
been impractical, but it would have given you the time alone that you surely
need. Is there any way you can carve out some time now? Even one night with
the kids staying elsewhere? This is where grandparents can turn themselves
into good fairies. See what you can do. Call in favours from friends.
Anything.
You have a lot of building to do, but because you both love those children so
much you can do it. Yes, it’s hard for you to trust him, but he must promise
not to be in touch with the girl, and you have no choice but to (a) take his
promise at face value, and (b) make your life together so good that he wants
to stay. Easily said? Yes, but he left her and came back to you, so that’s a
start. You see, I don’t believe in kicking somebody out “just” because they
stray, and I do think we can train our capacity for love and forgiveness
like athletes train their muscles. One way of starting is by changing the
“How could you do this to ME?” into “Why did this happen to us, and what can
we do to make it better?” You see, you don’t “get over” pain. You look at
it, trying to analyse and understand — and by that process absorb it into
your being, transforming it into strength.
I'M CONFUSED ABOUT MY LOVING 'FRIEND'
Dear Bel, I am a 50-year-old unmarried woman with three long-term
relationships behind me. Last year an older acquaintance of my brother fell
headlong in love with me. I moved in with him on the basis that I was not in
love with him but as a friend, and we share a love of sailing abroad. He is
a little jealous of my independence (I go sailing at weekends with my own
family but without him) but now I feel that I am growing to love him. What
holds me back, however, is that after 20 years of separation from his wife
he has yet to divorce her. Sex is not a big thing for either of us (he
suffers bouts of impotence) and it confuses me that he refers to it as “when
you make love to me” even though every day he tells me that I am what he has
always been looking for. I want to believe him and be true to myself, but
wonder if my not being in love with him was my attraction. I suppose neither
of us wants to face old age alone.
Georgina
Your relationship sounds almost enviable, and I’m not sure what your problem
is. Does it matter than he is not divorced? If the moment comes and you both
want to marry — that would be the time for the piece of paper. But you may
never think it necessary, while being truly happy, so chill!
If you are growing to love him from the position of a really good friendship
with mutual interests, that is the best possible basis for a relationship —
which will indeed provide mutual support as well as delight as the grey
hairs sprout. What better?
He refers to lovemaking in that way because deep down he feels that you call
the shots (because of that independence?) but he doesn’t mind. What a great
guy! Forget the semantics and let yourself love him. But you should spend
some of those weekends with him. Independence is all very well, but doing as
many things as possible as a couple is what really matters.
DO YOU NEED ADVICE
E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: times2,
1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Detail such as your age is helpful.
Please include your real name, but we will use your chosen pseudonym if you
wish. Bel Mooney reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into
personal correspondence.
