Dear Bel, I am a single parent with two children. My daughter, 11, recently met a “boyfriend”, also 11, while on holiday. The only contact they have is by mobile phone, normally texts. I originally thought it was sweet and nice. However, I do check her text messages occasionally (with an 11-year-old girl I think it is right to) and I was horrified to see the conversations between them. They were all about sex.
They were telling each other how sexy they were and he has said he wants to have sex with her. She did reply that she didn’t want that but I was dismayed to find that she had sent him a photo of herself in just her bra with the message “am i sexy or what!” I was so upset as I always regarded her as my baby (she is the youngest) and I hate to see her getting involved in this sordid type of exchange.
As well as being upset, I felt that I had lost all trust in her and couldn’t help thinking how this might have turned out if this was a boy at school who was pressurising her and not someone hundreds of miles away. I am able to talk to her about most things, so decided this was the best thing to do. I honestly don’t think she realises exactly what she is doing and how it could be interpreted, and I didn’t know how to pitch the conversation.
I didn’t feel it was something to be punished for but I did confiscate her phone for a week to cool things down. I talked to her about it and said it wasn’t appropriate for 11-year-olds to be talking about sex and that she could choose whether to cease all contact or tell the boy that all talk about sex was out. I also told her that sex under 16 was illegal and that it would probably end in a pregnancy. I didn’t go into safe sex as I felt it was too much at this age for her to take in.
She now has her phone back and the boy is still in touch. His last text asked her if she was going to have breast implants! I want to stop this but how can I go about it without upsetting her and turning it into something for her to rebel against? How do I explain to her about appropriate sexual behaviour in a way she understands, and how will I learn to trust her the first time she gets a proper, close-at-hand boyfriend.
Josephine
When I first read your letter I identified so much with how you must have felt that I had to get up from my desk and pace around in a futile fury, muttering dark things about the premature sexualisation of our children and blaming, well, everything from crop tops to MTV. It is certainly true, as my 25-year-old daughter pointed out to me, that there is far more pressure on children and teenagers than in her day, so that even if a group of nine-year-olds would really like to play Pass the Parcel and other games at a birthday party, their own social norms make them think they must gyrate to a disco.
The most overused word in our language is sexy, with all the slack corruption of ideas it implies. But honesty made me stop my rant and admit that when I was 11 (OK, this would be 1957) certain girls in my primary school class were already getting into what was known as heavy petting — which couldn’t be blamed on Big Brother. You don’t have to be a Freudian to know that Freud was right to assert that every human being is born with libido, since mothers will observe stirrings in young children who know nothing of sex per se. Histories of personal life tell us that throughout the centuries, in all classes, sexuality in children was an issue which had to be addressed/repressed. When the privacy we take for granted did not exist, young children were necessarily exposed to the sounds and rhythms of intercourse, and this is still the case in many cultures. What I am gently pointing out is that much as we long for it to be true, the idea of innocence is surely a myth.
At the same time, the loss of innocence has always been a powerful literary motif, from Genesis through The Go-Between to this year’s Man Booker prizewinner, The Sea by John Banville. As a devoted mother you too are caught between the mythical delight of Eden, so “sweet and nice”, and the inarguable existence of the serpent in the Tree of Knowledge.
When you use the phrase “not appropriate” I agree with you in my heart, but in my head I realise it is the phrase itself which is not appropriate — for 11-year-olds will talk about sex, whether we like it or not. This is what the historian Michel Foucault calls “the will to know”: the intense fascination with sex he identified as characteristic of modern society. Of course we want our babies to remain unsullied and dependent for as long as possible (perhaps your single parenthood intensifies this feeling), but sooner or later the issue will have to be dealt with. No wonder you were upset, because it happened far sooner than you anticipated. And isn’t it true that almost worse than your anger with the rather unpleasant-sounding boy is this terrible disappointment with your “baby” — for colluding in making herself cheap? It ’s excellent that you’re such a good mother that you can talk to her, even though that particular conversation was uncomfortable.
You couldn’t help but show how upset you were. The confiscation was an unsatisfactory attempt at punishment (no matter what you say) and far from helping her to cool off, the whole business would have sparked a mixture of resentment and giggles with friends. That the tone of the texting is intensifying means you have no choice but to re -open the issue. First, you must give a performance worthy of an Oscar and not show how much this upsets you, since it will only make you more vulnerable to her in the future. You’re going to have to cope with her at 13 and (oh, prepare yourself . . .) 15, and anyway, far more taxing than this first sex-talk will be the first broken heart at 17 or 18.
At some time you will have to stop invading her privacy, too, and that’s a whole other issue. Will you be able to trust her in the future? Probably not, but how you handle this may have a bearing on how she sees herself — which is one of the keys to sensible sexual behaviour. Accept what has happened, know you can never make her “innocent” again, and above all don’t discuss it all with her in terms of her age.
“You’re too young” will make her feel patronised and rebellious; wanting to be older, the little girl is doing what she thinks is grown-up. Be cool and friendly and say you are going to treat her like a 16-year old — the point being that the way this boy is talking to her is inappropriate at any age, and that if she were older it would still be tacky to send a picture of herself in a bra to somebody she doesn’t actually know. Don’t talk to her about sex, but about relationships and women and respect.
You could be really bold and buy a copy of Nuts or Zoo and show it to her. That will really “gross her out”, as they say, but wrongfoot her too, putting you in the driving seat. Tell her that young men who are so obsessed with breasts and grubby sex that their magazines even offer “boob jobs” as prizes that readers can “win” for their girlfriends . . . that these “lads” (the ones who write as much as those who read) are being so totally infantile. Get her to define that word.
Make her see how silly (not evil, terrible or disgusting) and immature her boy is being, and say he’s on the way to a good career on (yuk) lads’ magazines. With luck she will be amused beneath her embarrassment, so you can suggest a two-word text to him: “Grow up.”
Do you need advice?
E-mail your problems to: bel.mooney@thetimes.co.uk or write to her at: times2, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1TT. Detail such as your age is helpful. Please include your real name, but we will use your chosen pseudonym if you wish. Bel Mooney reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
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