Lingerie gifting is one of the most delicate exchanges a red- blooded male can enter into with a woman. Excel in this vital arena, and you will reap the benefits of a well-disposed girl dressed up like a sex gateau. Make her feel like a shot-putter caught in a clothesline, however, and things will never be the same between you again. Underwear-buying mistakes linger unworn in the drawer for ever — a damning indictment of the man who got it wrong. Women know their lingerie inside and out; they’ve been studying it since they got out of nappies. In buying it for them, you are entering a twangy, lacy minefield.

If you’re serious about her, you will already have asked for her sizes in a charming way and noted them down somewhere special. You haven’t? Do it now. Next step is to begin looking at styles. Check her wardrobe. Is she a pared-down modernist, favouring sleek shapes with no frivolous decoration? If so, modern fabrics and clean, smooth lines will almost certainly be the thing to increase the tension on her guy ropes. Is she a girlie, flirty creature who likes to frolic in a frilly mass of bows and printed fabrics? Then you should flatter her flouncy nature with peachy satin, side-tie knickers and bras that rival the opulence of Versailles.

If possible, ask her friends for their thoughts. They should understand the gravity of the situation and pass on her favourite brands and looks. And, above all, remember that she’ll want her underwear to reflect her personal tastes, not your taste in porn.

Further research on the panties panorama can be profitably undertaken online and is not the hard work you might imagine. Underwear is treated in much the same way as fashion these days, and the websites will give you a good sense of a brand’s mood and image. Agent Provocateur (www.agentprovocateur.com) is a good place to start. Its website has short films of Kate Moss in knickers, directed by Mike Figgis, and you’ll need to watch them again and again for research. This will pay dividends in many ways.

By now, you should have an idea of what sort of lingerie she might like. Well done. Time to hit the lingerie department. If possible, take along a picture of your lass in a bikini. Don’t show people on the bus. Once inside the shop, though, get bantering with the sales assistants, who respect a direct approach. They’ll not only ask about shape and size, but skin and hair colour. So be ready with the answers.

When making your final choice, remember — again — this is all about what she’ll feel fantastic in, not your sordid porno fantasies. When a chap buys undies based purely on his own tastes, he is asking for trouble. That said, if you go to one of the more modern underwear shops (Agent Provocateur, Myla, Bodas, Coco de Mer) where the assistants are young and full of fun, as opposed to stout and middle-aged, you can say to them: “I like this, she likes that”, and they’ll help you find a satisfactory compromise.

All being well, at this stage, a nice, helpful lady will wrap the little silky, lacy scraps in tissue paper and put them in a pretty box. A final word of warning: none of this stuff comes cheap, and you may well find yourself twitching as you hand over a week’s wedge for some satin tape with fluffy-trimmed lamp-shade segments sewn onto it. Don’t ever mention it, however. It’s taken as read that this gear is premium merchandise, so just swallow it. You won’ t be complaining when your endeavours get you an “access all areas” pass to the bedroom.

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