To make a man fall in love with you, give him the best sex he’s ever had or no
sex at all. That is a piece of wisdom that was passed on to me when I was
18. Until then, I’d been following the second part of it perfectly. I still
hadn’t had sex, and wouldn’t for another year, until I got engaged.
It made a lot of sense to me. I’d always known that men went nuts when you
denied them nookie. At that age, I still wasn’t too interested in getting
involved with my boyfriends, so I was perfectly calm about slamming the
front door on their erections after a date. They kept phoning me. They kept
seeing me. They might have moaned occasionally, but I just reminded them
that there were billions of women in the world to have sex with, and if
that’s all they wanted, they could leave. They never left.
I got engaged to a sweet man when I was 19, and lost my virginity. It was
quite disappointing, though, so I quickly found it again, and broke off the
engagement. Then, at university, I decided I was a feminist and could
therefore use men for sex any time I liked. That was when I became the
world’s worst dater. Over the next few years, I made every mistake you can
make with a boyfriend. I chased them. I said “I love you” first. I made one
a puppet of himself for Valentine’s Day. I thought it was sweet when a man
turned up at my flat at 2am wanting sex.
At 27, my heart was sat on like a pair of sunglasses and I spent a year moping
at home, refusing to see anyone except Ben & Jerry. It was then that I
decided I’d go back to keeping my feet on the ground instead of hooking them
round a man’s neck. Yes, it was hard. It was often very hard and pressed up
against my leg. But I didn’t have sex.
Did it work? Yes. Within two years, I’d met the man I wanted and got engaged
to him. And this time it was lovely and we got married. The point of all
this is simple. I believe that if you want to establish the most secure and
longest-lasting relationship you’ve ever had — a relationship that is fun,
blissfully happy and fills you with a sense of peace — all you have to do is
not have sex with him. How long for will differ for everyone, but you
certainly shouldn’t be planning on touching anything hairy for at least the
first six months.
Now, I know I’m not the first person to have given this advice. I’d even guess
that you’ve always instinctively known that waiting to have sex was a good
idea. But there’s a difference between knowing not to have sex early on, and
knowing how to follow that advice.
When people say breezily, “Oh, just make him wait for a bit,” they never seem
to realise how terrifying that can be, especially when you’re dating someone
you think might be The One. While you sit there with your thoughts spinning
like a tumble dryer — How long is “a bit”? Should I tell him upfront? Do I
get T-shirts printed? Will he chuck me? Will he bonk someone else in the
meantime? — you’re left in agony.
I don’t blame you if you end up getting horizontal because it just seems a lot
easier. But be assured, it’s not.
If you feel that withholding sex from a man to encourage him to fall in love
with you is manipulation, you’re absolutely right. But if you think that
makes it a bad thing to do, you’re absolutely wrong. Not satisfying a man’s
sexual desire for you is the best way to encourage his initial feelings of
lust to turn into something far stronger — love.
When a man first meets you, he is not immediately stricken with the desire to
have a long-term relationship with you. He doesn’t spot you across a crowded
room and think, “Her in the red dress — that is the woman I must have to
clean behind my refrigerator.” What he wants to do is put his choo-choo into
your tunnel.
In the old days, of course, to get that pleasure he had to marry you, which is
where all our courtship rituals come from. Dinner for two was born because a
man was trying to demonstrate his ability to provide. He was saying, “Marry
me and I can put food on your table.” And what did he get in return? A
darned good seeing-to.
But contraception has changed all that. Because we are now in charge of
deciding whether or not we get pregnant, we don’t have to put our men
through an intensive screening process. Which has made our standards — and
our knickers — drop rapidly. Of course, it’s brilliant that you don’t have
to risk raising the gormless child of every man you ever regretted waking up
next to. But just because you can have immediate sex with anyone
doesn’t mean you should.
If you sleep with a man right away, you are throwing away your best chance of
making him become absolutely wild about you. A survey of 200 daters in
America revealed conclusively that men found their partners less attractive
and sexy after first-time sex than they did before. And the more partners a
man had had, the more likely he was to think his lover was a minger in the
morning. Women, in contrast, always found their partners more sexy after
that first bonk, regardless of their number of previous partners. Which is
why it makes sense to secure his affection before making yourself
vulnerable.
In any case, what happens when you have first-night nookie with a man you
really like? Do you wake up feeling relaxed and secure? Sometimes. Now,
fast-forward to five days later when he still hasn’t got in touch. How do
you feel then? Serene and blissful? Or gutted? That’s about the time you
arrange a crisis meeting with your girlfriends and get drunk in the bar,
raging that “all men are rubbish”.
But all men aren’t rubbish. Putting yourself in a vulnerable position is
rubbish. Following bad dating advice is rubbish. And believing women can
have sex as light and breezily as men is rubbish too. For one thing, men
like to have more sexual partners than women. A study by Dr David Buss, an
American psychologist, showed that the average number of sexual partners
women would like in their lifetime is 4.5. Men would like 18. And for
another, women are much pickier than men when choosing partners for even
casual sex. For a quick, no-strings shag, the only legitimate criterion is
“willy like a marrow”. If you’ve had some bad experiences, you could add
other must-haves such as “not allergic to soap”, or “doesn’t insist on using
proper police handcuffs”. But research shows that women also look for the
following qualities: he must be healthy, stable, funny, kind and generous.
That’s not a perfect shag, it’s a perfect mate. Which explains why women
feel calmer, happier and more secure in a relationship that is committed and
secure before they get under the duvet.
So the question isn’t so much “why should I wait?”, but “how long should I
wait?” And that all depends what you’re looking for. Love? Then you might
just want to hold off until you’re 100% sure of your partner’s affection for
you. For those in their twenties who aren’t looking to go wedding-dress
shopping any time soon, this is probably the best choice. Engagement? It’s
not as daunting as waiting until your wedding night, but, equally, it’s not
as safe if marriage is the only thing you’ll settle for. If you’re in your
late twenties or early thirties, I’d say wait until engagement. If nothing
else, it means you can bonk your heart out to relieve the stress of planning
the wedding. Marriage? This will probably be your choice if you’re
religious, but also if you’re in your mid to late thirties and are keen to
start a family. When you wait until your wedding night, you’re guarding your
heart the most. At that point you know your man is committed to you, and sex
goes back to its traditional role as a celebration of the union between a
man and his wife.
All these choices sound daunting when you’re used to having sex as you date.
When sex is involved, men take longer to commit, so engagements and
marriages usually happen after two or three years. But when you abstain from
casual sex, everything happens a lot more quickly. You could easily be
engaged after six months and married within the year. Abstinence makes his
heart grow fonder, and much more decisive. Of course, abstaining is easier
said than done. Breaking any kind of long-term habit causes us to go through
a period of loss, especially if (like sex) it was a habit that boosts the
reward pathways in the brain. People who give up smoking notice this. The
stages of breaking the addiction are the same.
Stage one: Denial
Until you are behind the idea, you might easily fool yourself that this is
just a bit of fun. “I’ll do this for a while and see what happens,” you’ll
think. “If it’s hell, I can always stop.” But this isn’t just a bit of fun.
It’s the quickest way to improve your dating life. You’ll have much more fun
being courted by adoring men than you ever had bonking on the third date
with someone you didn’t know or trust.
Stage two: Anger
This is when you start tutting loudly at couples kissing in public. “Oh yes,
it’s okay for you,” you think, as you watch his hand caress her bum. “Flaunt
your sex life, why don’t you? Well, I hope you get herpes, you harlot.”
It’ll suddenly seem like the whole world is leaping into bed willy-nilly,
while you go home to feed your hamster. You might also start to replay old
relationships in your head and completely rewrite them. All I can say is:
wait. This stage passes quickly.
It’ll also remind you that past affairs weren’t perfect — they all ended. And
that your friends’ relationships aren’t always perfect either. And that
maybe couples who snog in the street just can’t afford a hotel.
Stage three: Bargaining
“Dear God, if I can just have one night of passion with my last-but-one ex,
Jason, I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life trying not to covet stuff.”
Slap yourself.
Stage four: Depression
You feel like giving up on men for ever. Be careful — these thoughts are
normal, but can spiral downwards. “What’s the point of boyfriends?” could
turn into “what’s the point of leg-shaving?” and end up in “what’s the point
of showers?” You’ll find yourself slumping around in old tracksuits, like
someone who, a month later, is found eaten to death by their cat. Is this
bad? Hell, no! Who’s going to bonk you when you look like this? This
actually makes celibacy a walk in the park. A walk where nobody wants to get
downwind of you.
Stage five: Acceptance
An unexciting word, but a lovely stage. You’ll feel calm, in control, and
finally able to give abstinence a go. You’ll look at old relationships with
20/20 vision, and start to feel good about your future. This stage will last
approximately until a sexy new man puts his tongue in your mouth. Enjoy it
while you can.
I’m being light-hearted, of course. After all, the last thing I want is for
single women to give up sex and fun. But there is a serious message
here. Love is much easier, more successful and more fulfilling when you keep
a part of yourself back. Yes, I mean your lady part. But I also mean a small
part of yourself that remains untouched by the man in your life. We are more
emotionally vulnerable than men, who have always been able to
compartmentalise their interests. When you give sex away as if it means very
little, you are more vulnerable to being hurt. Far wiser to be a lofty love
goddess, who remains objective about what is such a huge part of our lives.
Extracted from Not Tonight, Mr Right by Kate Taylor (Penguin, February 1;
£6.99).
To order for £6.64 (inc p&p), call The Sunday Times Books First;
0870 165 8585
