Obviously, the conclusion the scientists should have reached is that men and women shop differently — da-da! And to save them another couple of years’ research, here are the other things that the sexes do differently — and each persists in believing they do best.

Cooking Okay. Men are more adventurous than women, but only because they refuse to think ahead and factor in how much labour/expense/washing-up is involved. If the recipe calls for Hawaiian giant squid, they will spend all Saturday trying to source it and end up exhausted by the time it comes to cook. Whereas women (clever, practical) will settle for the squid rings you can buy in bags and do something nice involving two pans only. One to us.

Picking up people Men all have their techniques — lucky pants, lucky Gold Spot, favourite stories — which they imagine make the difference between a pull and a knock-back. No woman has ever been picked up, only allowed the man of her choice to feel like he has done the picking. We are like sat-nav systems drawing you in. One to us.

Looking after dogs Men identify with their dogs, which means they will take any criticism of animals as a personal slight and are indulgent to a degree they wouldn’t be with their children. Women understand that dogs are dogs, even if we do talk to them as if they were people. One to us.

Dealing with the plumber A man would rather have the heating system on constant for ever than ask another man how the timer works. Women do not have this problem. Ditto with builders, electricians and so on. One to us.

Looking after our health A man on a diet is a man in need of direction. Men find the whole business of sorting carbs from proteins and so forth baffling; and they don’t get the whole good-fat, bad-fat thing; plus, they cannot grasp that bread is the enemy. What, no sandwiches? Women, on the other hand, have a full A-Z calorie-counter in their heads and can sniff out invisible calories at 60 paces. One to us.

Ordering wine Wine lists. Maps. Need I say more? Men feel challenged and threatened whenever they are in possession of either: the very essence of their masculinity is on the line, and what they choose (how fast they get there) is a direct measure of their virility. Women are happy to ask “Which would you recommend for less than a tenner?” That’s one to us again, I think.

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