He is also a nightmare to leave, as a bizarre sexual force field surrounds him in a darkness that snuffs out your inner light. Like a Picasso, he is best seen in controlled circumstances and admired rather than adored. Extract yourself from the display case of this relationship as soon as you twig he might be pathologically demented. Plenty of women have lost time in his vortex and survived (just), so do compare notes. But it’s doubtful you’ll ever work out the fundamental questions, such as why?

DIGITAL BOY Young, fresh around town and hanging onto a relatively unscathed heart, Digital Boy really would be a difficult proposition if he engaged both sides of his brain. As it is, he has little chance of outwitting his wiser, more sophisticated female catch. Besides, he’s so grateful you’ve picked him (from a handsome line-up exclusively featuring his mates), he won’t even think of pissing you off. He comes with a thatch of silly hair, imported T-shirts, tight buns and the added bonus of never tiring of sex. Indulge, girls, but don’t gorge: Digital Boy needs his youth, and he will enjoy it all the better without grisly demands from you for a grown-up relationship.

He will say he loves you within the month, but only because you are the most sexually advanced, cashed-up woman he has ever dated, and, rather adorably, he’s too young to know better. However, it’s dangerous if you fall for it. Eventually, you’ll just make yourself look stupid, or worse, batter your self-esteem from the effort of pretending you’re his age. Anyway, why bother? His electronically wired brain can’t understand what you’re going on about when you try to converse on life beyond graphics/music/trainers. It will get boring.

THE SQUATTER There is a vast number of ladies with a home of their own, and an equal number of men lacking one. No wonder the rental market is down, when half the single men in the country are freeloading in their ex-girlfriends’ homes. How the Squatter got so entrenched is anyone’s guess, but the feel of a tool belt and his willingness to fix things can render a woman momentarily incapacitated. Cue his opportunity to slip in through the back door.

He has no concept of respect, is a latent bully and can’t cope without mum. Basically, he’s a subversive, manipulative toddler, and having a child around can have a cataclysmic effect on a woman’s instincts. The Squatter relies on confusing his ex, so he can remain in situ for as long as he can string it out — breaking up is no precursor to his moving out. Tactics he uses to stay: preying on your nurturing side while pleading poverty, catching you off guard and shagging you senseless. Tactics you should use to get him out: turn increasingly psychotic, or have him knocked out and dumped in a skip. A pest.

AVAILABLE-ON-PAPER MAN Unassuming and self-contained, he is artistically inclined with a hetero edge. Resolutely single and intensely private, he is easy to spot by his dishevelled outfit and calm stare. Technically, he’s there for the taking, but in practice he’s hard to acquire for reasons the gods alone can decipher. Ironically, he is devastatingly attractive because he seems so wonderfully straightforward. He flirts just enough to convince you the sex will be great, then walks away at the last moment. If any intimate relationship does start, it is a stroll in the park compared to the emotional edge-of-the-cliff feeling you are more used to. Commitment? What commitment?

So, rely on your intuition. “Patience” should become your watchword. After all, it’s a fine line between the man who wants you and the man who doesn’t want to blank you; the former you make a connection with, the latter is simply embarrassed by the kind of frightening, lust-filled looks only a middle-aged woman can send out.

CREATIVE LUSH Abandoned the confines of a formal working structure years ago, took the payoff and now works freelance with permanent creative angst. Always the funniest man down the pub, he has a fabulous, if mad, circle of mates. He is blessed with multidimensional vision, but this lets abstract thinking rule his head. Consequently, he seeks solace in stupefying quantities of sauce. These men require time alone to think, but use the privilege as an excuse to ignore your calls and get on with having a drink.

Entertaining on the surface, he’s a master in the art of concealment, so you’ll only clock something is wrong when you are totally enamoured with him. Signs to look out for: mood swings from witty to weird, followed by passing out; the pile of empties (so even the cleaner has a word); you keep waking up with a hangover, and after three months, realise you both look awful. Refrain from intervening in his lifestyle: that gig is for someone else. Be brave, Even if you love him, leave him. This man has stuff going on that you’ll never fathom.

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