Your family hates you, and who can blame them? Every Christmas, you either forget to buy presents or buy in such haste, the lack of care is obvious. Where’s the love in a box of Milk Tray? Where’s the romance in flowers from a petrol station? Where’s the sex appeal in a pair of scratchy lace knickers two sizes too small? It’s insulting. The only excuse for such tardy, thoughtless Christmas gifts would be if you had just woken up from a coma at 5pm on December 24 (when Marks & Spencer closes) and couldn’t get to the shops.

The trouble is, you don’t think you have a problem. Like all dysfunctional consumers, you explain away your errant behaviour by telling yourself that you are not a last-minute shopper. It’s just that you like to work to a deadline. You might even insist Christmas is an evil, capitalist money-spinning plot that you want no part of, which is why you bought your wife an Esso Tiger. In your heart, you know you are a lazy, selfish rotter. But I know the truth. It’s not that you dislike your family, you just dislike shopping more. I understand, honest I do. However, you will die alone and friendless unless you take action now. I’m not expecting you to change your last-minute ways, but you can go about hasty Christmas shopping in a more intelligent manner. You owe it to your loved ones to try.

EIGHT HOURS TO GO — SHOP SMART Last-minute shoppers usually pay through the nose for whatever tat is left on the shelves. But it doesn’t have to be like that. I have a friend who always buys her boyfriend’s Christmas presents in Harvey Nichols Knightsbridge at 4pm on December 24 — just as the staff are preparing for the sale, in a couple of days’ time. As they mark down items, she follows and hoovers up the bargains. Closes at 5pm.

SIX HOURS TO GO — SUPERMARKET SWEEP The high street may shut at 4pm on Christmas Eve, but supermarkets stay open a bit later. Go to Waitrose (most branches open until 6pm) for posh foodie presents, such as the prettily packaged L’Oro Verdi raspberries in vinegar, £3.99, Kshocolat’s chocolate chilli almonds, £8, or an Italian foodie gift set at £16.99. Try Sainsbury’s (open until 6pm) for Terence Conran homewares — the salt and pepper grinders (£8 each) and nestling bowl and platter (£15 each) are very chic — and Tesco (open until 5pm) for gadgets: flatscreen TVs start at £169.97; Nano iPods, £138.92.

FOUR HOURS TO GO — MOTORWAY MADNESS Drive to your nearest motorway service station. Buy chart CDs, videos and bestselling books for the grown-ups. For the kids, as much pick’n’mix as you can carry. Decant this into a fabulously wrapped box, tied with a bow. They will love the sweeties much more than the Sony PSP you’d promised. Er, honest.

TWO HOURS TO GO — FLY AWAY You like to live dangerously, don’t you? All the regular shops are shut and you still haven’t got that special someone in your life their Christmas pressie. Head to the airport. But you’re not leaving the country, you’re going shopping. The arrivals and check-in areas are laced with stores. Gatwick’s shops close at 7pm and Heathrow’s at 9.30pm.

This really is your last outpost of festive consumerism. Heathrow T1, for instance, has a Game Grid, mobile-phone shop, Virgin music, Austin Reed, Rolling Luggage and a Body Shop, all before security.

30 MINUTES TO GO — LOG ON Okay, now you are really desperate. There is only one thing to do. Hit the net and buy something expensive — like a sunshine holiday. Then print out the booking confirmation e-mail and give it to your loved one in an envelope. You’re saved.

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