Having trounced men in the battle of the sexes, today’s young women are stuck with a terrible dilemma: there are almost no men who deserve them. Political and economic emancipation has brought a long-suppressed biological fact into the open: the average chick is a hell of a lot smarter and sexier than the average guy. Today’s men have capitulated before the superior strength and intelligence of modern women, and become flaccid, obsequious weaklings in order to survive. As useful as it is to have a guy who’ll do the dishes on demand, these men aren’t sexy. The tragedy of feminism is that women have created a generation of men who don’t turn them on.

Single, thirtysomething women, whose body clocks are ticking down, are presented with two bleak choices. You can get with some dorky wimp who looks like great dad material — he’s easy to push around, puts on weight effortlessly and will let you lie in bed while he takes the kids to Sainsbury’s — and then live your life in semi-contented boredom, rueing the maverick buck you let get away. Or, you can waste your years waiting for the guy who hits all the buttons — sexual, intellectual, financial and emotional — before giving up entirely by the time your ovaries are clapped out. You’ll then become another of those creepy, IVF-assisted crones, struggling to bring up triplets who will outlive you after a couple of years. These are the dark, unspoken truths of reaping the feminist dividend and they require a radical reappraisal of women’s attitudes to relationships. Here are my tips for female happiness in the postfeminist world.

Share and share alike. As so many guys are lame, emasculated washouts, the few tomcats that are left out there know exactly what they’re worth. It’s silly to expect them to be monogamous. Sexy guys get so much tail waved in their faces these days it’s impossible for them to behave themselves. Rather than fighting each other over these boys, women should learn to share them around. The alternatives — spending your life with a total sap or having your heart broken because of absurd expectations — just aren’t worth it.

Chicks should get over their monogamania and loosen up. The new polygamy wouldn’t be the oppressive institution it was before. It would be a pragmatic solution to a real problem, enabling every woman to get a regular dose of great sex from a guy who flips her lid. Surely every true feminist appreciates the egalitarian justice of this. The time when only a busty, well-proportioned few hogged all the hot guys should now be at an end.

Consummate the sisterly love. As most women are more of a man than any guy will ever be, it makes sense for you to seek happiness with each other. One of the few places left where a lady can feel like a real woman is in the burly arms of a bull dyke. The only people allowed to be guys these days are girls. Stubbly chinned, testosterone- injected drag kings are the only ones who will take you out and show you a good time, paying for everything while stroking your butt and whispering smut in your ear — just like in the good old days. Lesbianism is a far more dignified option than contemporary heterosexuality. Chicks who have sex with women have way more feminine integrity than those who date men who pretend to be women. For the timid among you, the standard formula for switching sides is easy: have a sleepover with your closest girlfriend, start bitching about how crap men are, and after a bottle of chardonnay too many — bingo! Having feminised men beyond repair, modern women can no longer fake an aversion to gayness.

The final option is to get with the global economy. Like Liz Hurley and Jemima Khan, you can outsource your sexual and procreative needs to the developing world. There are millions of smart, handsome brothers out there itching to better themselves in the West. Your UK passport is your ticket to ride into Benetton heaven. This is especially great news for the fat, the dumb and the ugly: your comparative affluence and the lure of British residency means you can snare the kind of stud who wouldn’t look at you twice in this country. Anyone who’s been to Goa will know exactly what I’m talking about.

Coming from patriarchal societies, these guys still know how to be men. Though women take full charge in the workplace, they love a guy to show them who’s boss in the sack. Interracial sex is always pretty hot. You white girls will have a blast as you strenuously work through your fantasies, guilt and historical grudges in the bedroom. And he’ll be able to satisfy that abiding desire that no white man can fulfil: mixed- race babies. Gorgeous, brown-skinned dumplings who look adorable in Baby Gap. In a single, slick move of miscegenation, you will kill several birds at once: you’ll have cute kids, get back at your racist, uptight parents and prove that, unlike most white people, you are not a total square. You’ll be the coolest mum at the coffee morning. You can dress them in funky ethnic fabrics and give them beautiful names such as Kismet without looking like a hippie jerk.

The truth is, modern British women should accept that guys are a mess and then get over it. Men will never make you happy. They’re not going to get any better, so get used to it. Quit moaning about them and enjoy your lives instead. You have money, independence and control over your own destinies — things that are still just a desperate wish for most women in the world. In India, women dig roads in 40C heat with their babies strapped to their backs. In Africa, they have their labia stitched shut by their elders. Think about them next time you’re whingeing by the water cooler.

So you can’t have it all? Tough. Nobody gets to have their cake and eat it. Stop reading that glossy-mag junk and all those dopey heifers who call themselves commentators. Take an interest in the real world instead. Maybe then you’ll get some perspective and realise how incredibly lucky you are.

Tourism by Nirpal Dhaliwal is published by Vintage (£7.99)

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