Sports Calendar

“People also tell me that I just haven’t met the right man yet, but I believe that having a child is a serious undertaking, and not something that should happen just because you are helplessly in love and have been talked into a dream. My previous boyfriend was very supportive, as he’d made the same choice many years ago and had a vasectomy aged 25.”

Continued on page 2

()

Continued from page 1

“Even when I was a teenager, I always said I would only have kids if I was financially secure enough to make it easier. If I had £5m in the bank it would be different, but I know that having a child would be a real struggle for us. It’s all very well to say, ‘Oh, they’re so sweet’, and ‘Oh, it would be fine’, but that’s not the reality when you have to get up early to get them ready and off to school every morning, then struggle off to your own work.

“I like kids, and I’m the youngest of a big family and always did lots of baby-sitting, so perhaps I understand how hard it is. Even my aunt said that if she had her time again, she would have dogs. When it comes to the argument that, as a woman, you have to fulfil your reproductive role on the planet, my reply is, ‘That’s what we said about the cats, and once two of them had litters, we changed our minds.’”

Marion, in her mid-fifties, is an information officer who has been married to John for 31 years. Her decision not to have children was a gradual one, based on finances as well as circumstances

“When we first got married, we travelled a lot, then we started good jobs back in London, so we put off discussing having children. Financially, things were a lot harder in those days — mortgages were hideously expensive in the mid-1970s, and there were less childcare facilities.

“We always felt it was self-indulgent to have children unless you could afford to look after them yourself. World affairs weren’t that great, either — it was the cold war — and it seemed like a bad time to bring a child into the world. The subject came up occasionally, but we never sat down and thought, ‘We must make a decision.’

“I did get pregnant when I was 36, which was a bit of a shock. Back then, it seemed a really old age, and we were worried about taking on a child. But I had a miscarriage, and we felt as if the decision had been taken away from us — as if it was meant to be. Now that I don’t have the choice, do I regret not having had children? I don’t dwell on it that much, and I believe that if we had our time again, we wouldn’t have done anything differently.

“Instead, we feel we have lived a full life. We have a great marriage and have travelled more than most of our peer group, and we are extremely close to our two godchildren. A lot of our contemporaries have divorced under the strain of bringing up children. The only time I do think about it is when I see friends who are now getting to be grandparents. People whose children were a constant worry are finally getting pleasure from their grandchildren. Being a granny looks a lot more fun.”

Jackie, 35, works in PR, and is married to Steve, who has two children by his first marriage. To her relief, he doesn’t want any more kids

“I always felt kids were a pain in the arse. I have friends who are naturals at it and I am in awe of them. But I know I’m not prepared to sit and play games with babies for hours on end.

I couldn’t bear the boredom — or the mess. I think I knew by the age of 13 that I didn’t want kids. I wasn’t brought up in a particularly happy family atmosphere, so I didn’t have any aspirations for that perfect family, sitting down to Sunday lunch.

“I have been called selfish, usually by men, but they’re not the ones who bear the brunt of childcare. They say that it’s a woman’s right and natural passage in life, but I just don’t see it like that. I think it’s more selfish to have kids. The world is already overpopulated. Steve supports my decision. It came up quite quickly when we got together. I had lived with a guy when I was 23, who always assumed I would change my mind. I know we would have had big issues on the subject had we stayed together. It’s ironic that the person I fell in love with already had that baggage of kids. They live near us and I am close to them. We see them once a week and go on great holidays together.

“I often wonder what’s missing in my make-up that makes me not want kids, but I’m really happy with my husband and my life. I have great friends, a great social life and a great career. I’m not prepared to sacrifice the things that make me happy for years of misery.

“Occasionally I have seen wonderful families, and I do get a tug, and think, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice to feel like that’, but then I usually need to get away after a couple of hours. I know they say it’s different if they are your own, but it is still all-consuming. You also go through a phase when you think: ‘When I’m 39, I’ll panic and want one.’ But those of my older friends who haven’t had children are still glamorous and out doing things. I’d rather be like them.”

Times recommends

• The Boxing Day tsunami: five years on
• What took place in 2010...
• Can you really cure a hangover?