Acting nice and caring was once just a ruse, used by ugly guys to get laid. But somehow this lame, wholly contrived persona has become a template for British masculinity. In response to feminism and the rise of the alpha female — the ambitious, independent and successful woman — British men have become weak, gelatinous omega males, unwilling to even admit, let alone express, their manliness in case they are made to sleep on the couch for daring to have a backbone. In her determined climb up the ladder, the alpha female has no time for men with minds of their own: husbands and boyfriends are merely support staff, assisting her career by providing constant reassurance and an emollient, stress-free domestic life.
I married an alpha female. Significantly older than me, she’s a highly successful writer and former magazine editor. When we met, she thought I was just a gauche, malleable pup she could fit into her media-diva lifestyle. At the beginning of our relationship, I tried to play along: I listened to her whine about work pressures and became her emotional toilet. Finally, I just got real and told her either to dump her job, or me. She earned a six-figure salary and she ought to be grateful; plenty of people have tough jobs, but don’t have Prada knickers or fancy furniture to show for it. She should try raising four kids on a pittance, I told her, like my mum. Then she could bitch all she liked.
Women, especially alpha ones, love guys who tell them to shut up. They need someone who sees through their hormonal neuroticism and keeps their feet on the ground. My wife compromised; she kept both the job and me, but didn’t gripe so much. Unlike omega males, I was confident with my end of the deal: I was young, fit and handsome, and I was giving her a lot of hot sex. She wasn’t going to kick me out.
Men do have a caring side. We are vulnerable, considerate and protective of our loved ones; but in equal measure, selfish, libidinous and cruel. Historically, men have generated almost all the great art, science and philosophy; we’re also to blame for almost all the war, carnage and mayhem. The two sides are inextricably linked. If we didn’t have such huge egos to feed, we wouldn’t bother with the arduous labour of writing novels or decoding the genome. We live for glory, be it in sport, music or battle.
But now men, particularly middle-class ones, deny this part of themselves. So we have a culture bereft of heroic male figures, and a generation that struggles with retarded identities and a terror of women. Once, icons such as Marlon Brando and Steve McQueen portrayed men in their entirety. They played roles that were gentle, stoic, vicious and explosive — believable, multifaceted characters. Now, men are encouraged to admire Chris Martin and Franz Ferdinand’s Alex Kapranos — creepy, weirdo nerds who, in the past, would’ve been buried under all the sand kicked in their faces.
In my novel, Tourism, I write about working-class men and upper-class women, and about the dynamic between men of different ethnicities as they seek an identity for themselves. The omega male is generally a white-boy phenomenon. Confronted by the more robust masculinities presented by some black and Asian men, white men have cultivated an extreme effeteness, possibly trying to mark themselves as being more civilised. While black music has grown increasingly macho, indie bands are composed of pasty, withered sissies. Both are parodic, revealing how unsure men are today of how to present themselves. The aggressive, crotch-thrusting rapper is a moronic response to the alpha females who have long dominated the black community, managing careers and raising families with little or no male support.
Asian men flounder, unable to decide between the enticements and insecurities of western life, and the rigid certainties and comforts of traditional patriarchy. Few know how to integrate the competing elements of their masculinity into an honest, functional whole.
This isn’t helped by the confused agendas pursued by post-feminist women. Modern women juggle an absurd collection of ambitions; they want money and status, an active social life and a stable, fulfilling relationship. It’s an equation that can never be balanced; something is always compromised. That compromise is often in the bedroom. The omega male cooks lasagnes and takes out the rubbish, but he’s not sexy and never will be. He offers no danger or excitement. He’s a loyal and needy lapdog, making a sweet companion, but a puerile lover. A woman might pretend she fancies nice-guy wimps, but when omega male’s making love to her, she closes her eyes and thinks of the sex-god bastard who broke her heart. The truth may be that the only women who genuinely find sensitivity and emotional literacy a turn-on are lesbians. They find feminine qualities attractive and are, accordingly, attracted to women. It might be that the typical alpha female is just a repressed, high-power dyke; unwilling to express her homo nature, she instead seeks out feminised men who will make the least sexual demands of her.
For the few who are man enough to take her on, the alpha female can make a great partner. Having a successful wife has allowed me to take it easy and write a novel while spending her money. Being with a dynamic woman has lifted my game, raising my intelligence and self-confidence. It’s been a productive, stimulating challenge for both of us. But for millions of guys, the alpha female is an obdurate force to be reckoned with. Her continuing rise means omega males will be perfecting their foot rubs and lasagnes for a long time to come.
Tourism by Nirpal Dhaliwal is published on April 6 (Vintage)
HOW TO STAY ON TOP
Be a selfish jerk
Her rise up the career ladder means she’s beaten plenty of guys into second place; hence, male weakness and compliance disgust her. A man who insists on having his own way all the time is a refreshing change, allowing her to relax while someone else does the driving. Never ask what she wants for dinner or which movie she wants to watch. Just do what you want and let her tag along.
Dump her
At the first appropriate moment — your first argument — show her the red card. This gives you the option of getting back together on your terms. Her innate female fear of abandonment is your trump card. She can’t resist a guy who’s man enough to put her in her place, and her nagging doubts about whether you really like her will keep her on her toes.
Mind-blowing sex
The bedroom is no longer the bedroom any more. It is now the office; it’s where you go to work. With the easy availability of Viagra, there is no excuse for sexual mediocrity. At the beginning of your relationship, bring her to heel with a few intense marathon bangings. After that you can relax; the memory of amazing sex is enough to keep her ticking over for years.
Never listen to her problems
Her success is driven by a need for attention, often caused by a distant relationship with an adored father. Never give her that attention. It’s the distance she craves. A guy who gives her the empathy she asks for only incites her intrinsic hatred of wimps. Besides, listen and you’ll die of boredom.
Compliment sparingly
When she buys expensive shoes and handbags, take no notice. You have no interest in fashion. Compliments must be of a general manly sort, such as: “You’re looking hot.” When you do give a specific compliment, make it about her hair or nails: alpha females obsess about their hair. Well-timed compliments are money in the meter; each one lets you park your lazy self at her place for weeks.
Nirpal Dhaliwal
