If your child confidently breezes into a roomful of strangers without a second
thought, there’s a good chance he or she is an Israeli. If they are gripped
by paralysing fear at the thought of attending a party they are likely to be
from Japan or Taiwan.
Israeli children are said to be the most confident in the world, while
Japanese and Taiwanese youngsters are the shyest. Their British and American
counterparts lie somewhere in the middle. The popular explanation is that
Western societies are more individualistic than Eastern societies, and thus
encourage more self-expression.
Shyness is thought to affect up to 50 per cent of adults to some degree, and
is defined by the Encyclopedia of Mental Health as “discomfort and/or
inhibition in interpersonal situations . . . It is a form of excessive
self-focus.” Being introverted is not the same as being shy. Introverts are
not scared by the prospect of socialising, but prefer being on their own.
A sizeable body of research on shyness suggests that positive (or punitive)
parenting and the prevailing culture are two factors that determine whether
a child will become a wallflower. But there is a vital third factor:
biology. The issue is a hot topic among experts, and some say that there are
indications that shyness, along with other personality characteristics, is
partly inherited.
The brains of shy people behave differently in social situations compared with
the brains of confident people; when placed in unfamiliar situations, “shy
brains” show more electrical activity on the right side of the frontal lobe.
It has been interpreted as an exaggerated fear response, and is often
accompanied by the physiological hallmarks of terror, such as a racing pulse
and muscle tension. Your brain, like the rest of your body, is built
according to the instructions encoded in your DNA, which means that shyness
very probably has a genetic component.
But shyness is not a clear-cut case of genetic determinism. Numerous studies
show that tending budding wallflowers in the right way can lead them to turn
towards the sun and blossom. Inhibited youngsters are much less likely to
turn into anxious adults if they are brought up by confident parents than by
anxious ones.
The latest research, published in a study from the Child Development
Laboratory at the University of Maryland, indicated that confident parenting
could triumph over a genetic predisposition to shyness.
Professor Nathan Fox, the laboratory’s director, found that kids who are
consistently shy while growing up are more likely to possess a version of a
particular gene associated with stress sensitivity and to have been raised
by stressed-out parents. The gene involved governs the production of
serotonin, a brain chemical connected to mood, appetite and aggression. The
study was published in Current Directions in Psychological Science.
Fox explains: “If you have certain versions of this serotonin gene but your
mother is not stressed, you will be no more shy than your peers as a
school-age child. But we found that when stress enters the picture, the gene
starts to show a strong relationship to the child’s behaviour. If you are
raised in a stressful environment, and you inherit a particular form of the
gene, there is a higher likelihood that you will be fearful, anxious or
depressed.” It is as if a child’s genetic tendency towards shyness can be
either stifled or nurtured, depending on the behaviour of the parent.
However, genetics may play a very limited role in people who experience a
sudden outbreak of shyness in later life. Bullying, the presence of
domineering siblings, overprotective parents, divorce or failed romances can
all lead to shyness.
Dr Bernardo Carducci, director of the Shyness Research Institute at Indiana
University, maintains that it is a nonsense to suggest that some people are
born shy. He explains: “Shyness is characterised by three major features:
excessive self-consciousness, excessive negative self-evaluation and
excessive negative self-preoccupation. All three characteristic features of
shyness involve a sense of self. And the sense of self does not develop
until approximately 18 months of age. Since individuals are not born with a
sense of self, they cannot be born shy.”Carducci accepts, though, that
around one child in five is born with an “inhibited temperament”. These
babies are more likely to kick their limbs and cry loudly when exposed to a
sudden noise, such as a car backfiring. There is growing evidence that these
youngsters are oversensitive to sensory stimuli, such as loud noises.
Interestingly, such babies are more likely than uninhibited babies to have
close relatives who were shy as children.
These babies, it is observed, tend to grow into toddlers who crouch fearfully
behind their mothers’ legs at the sight of a stranger, and thereafter into
children who are often happier alone than with playmates. They tend to play
near their parents or carers. At some point during their development they
will be labelled “shy”, or – if the shyness interferes with the child’s
ability to function – be termed as suffering from a social anxiety disorder
or social phobia. These tags often stick for life and can give rise to a
(needless) vicious circle: people become conscious of their labels and tend
to behave in ways that fulfil them. They believe themselves incapable of
dealing with social situations so they shun them, thus denying themselves
the opportunity of becoming more socially accomplished. Many parenting
experts, therefore, urge parents not to label their kids.
How widespread is shyness? One set of statistics comes from research conducted
by Carducci and two other leading American psychologists, Dr Philip Zimbardo
and Dr Lynne Henderson (the two run the Shyness Institute, a nonprofit
research organisation in California). The number of Americans classifying
themselves as chronically shy rose from about 40 per cent in the 1970s to
about 50 per cent by 2000. Another 40 per cent said that they had been shy
once but were no longer; 15 per cent suffered from situational shyness (shy
only in certain settings, such as on dates). Only 5 per cent reported never
having experienced shyness.
Zimbardo is no stranger to controversy: he is the creator of the notorious
Stanford Prison Experiment, which had to be stopped when students began
behaving sadistically. He has suggested that shyness ought to be considered
a public health issue: shy men are more likely to use prostitutes. He also
once claimed that eight killers out of a group of ten that he had studied
were shy men who snapped under stress.
So, about the party tonight: fancy going? If you are suffering with shyness go
to: social-anxiety.org.uk
FearFighter is a computer programme that can be prescribed by a GP and offers
a course of cognitive behaviour therapy.
Now for something completely diffident
When I told colleagues recently that I used to be crippled by shyness, and
that I still suffered from bouts of it, they laughed out loud. And yet my
mother will never forget the day that my teacher greeted her with glee.
“Something amazing happened today,” she announced. “Sacha spoke.” I was six
years old.
I think that, probably, rather than conquer my shyness, I have learnt to cover
it up. Genes may play a part, but in my case, shyness was predominantly
borne from a frustration that no one understood me. When very young, I
developed my own language, and when people not only failed to get my drift,
but laughed at it, I shut up, quick.
At school, I sought silent friends and perfected the art of inconspicuousness
in dinner queues, in silent prayer that no one would talk to me. And if they
had to, please not in front of others. This was, and remained, by far the
most agonising element to my shyness: the immediate and stomach-churning
terror of attracting attention from more than one person. Which presented a
problem, of course, because silence in itself can be a crowd teaser. So I
developed my own strategies for coping – when possible, strive for
one-on-one encounters, and ask lots of questions early on in a conversation.
This way, you are perceived to engage but, so long as the questions are
neutral, you can successfully and seamlessly disappear in a crowd.
There are often neglected upsides to shyness. You develop a keen sense of
observation and, perversely, I’ve often found it easier than my more
gregarious peers to make friends with cantankerous characters.
Leaving home, living abroad, and working in competitive environments were
other factors that helped me overcome my shyness, but I still occasionally
find myself entering a room full of people, rehearsing questions in my mind,
and praying that I won’t be forced to ask them. Sacha Bonsor
My flustered Jekyll and Hyde moments
Shyness was a Jekyll and Hyde affair for me. One moment I would be clear,
lucid and confident – the next a mumbling, bumbling, terrorised lost soul.
Friends and strangers would be fine, but I had a real problem engaging with
older people whom I knew well. This meant teachers and lecturers when I was
a student – bosses and colleagues as a working adult.
In the presence of such people, I always worried about coming across as
stupid. When I opened my mouth, a jumbled mess would tumble out. I had this
remarkable habit of starting a sentence with a perfectly decent opening
clause – and then I would lose complete control. I’d meander with clause
after sub-clause making little sense and even less of a point. As the
listener’s eyes started to glaze over, I’d get even more worried and waffle
on even more, desperate to win back favour and attention.
Completely lost, I’d resort to my Basil Fawlty-inspired escape plan. I’d
conclude the sentence by mumbling something so quietly that the recipient
would not hear properly. Sometimes, it would be nonsense. More often than
not, I would get away with it – the listener too bored to care.
My response was to avoid contact. Some people took this as arrogance rather
than shyness. My professional career forced me into these difficult
situations and I had no choice but to engage. This is where things had to
change. Some basic reading suggested various approaches – from holding your
breath (for two to three seconds) to make you pause, collect thoughts and
start again, to putting oneself in as many scary situations as possible.
I used bits of all of these methods to deal with acute shyness and I still use
them. So, if you see me not breathing and looking a little blue in the face,
I’m not passing out – I’m just collecting my thoughts. Parminder
Bahra
Ten strategies for overcoming shyness
1 Practise breathing exercises and reducing muscle tension (such as
repeatedly clenching and releasing your fist).
2 Don’t use drink or drugs to loosen you up. The effects soon wear off.
3 Practise small talk with people whom you meet briefly in
non-threatening situations, for example, while out shopping.
4 To carry on a conversation, you must have something to say. Read
widely and listen to news programmes. Try to ask open-ended questions, such
as “What do you think of X?”
5 Rehearse topics that might come up. Practise at home in front of the
mirror.
6 Kind acts, eg, offering to get a party guest a drink, invite
reciprocation, maximising the chances of successful socialising.
7 Accept that the world isn’t looking at you: other people tend to
focus on themselves.
8 If someone ends the conversation, don’t assume that they find you
boring.
9 Don’t take rejection personally. You don’t have to get on with
absolutely everyone.
10 Find your comfort zone: you may feel happier in an art class than in
a nightclub.
Source: Shyness Research Institute
What type are you?
Being aware of the types of shyness, says Dr Bernardo Carducci, means a person
can learn how to deal with his or her particular brand of diffidence.
Publicly shy: Someone distressed by how they behave in social
situations, and worried about saying the wrong thing or behaving awkwardly,
or about freezing completely and saying nothing.
Privately shy: Someone in whom social awkwardness is not outwardly
apparent but who feels the tension ratcheting up: suffer physiological
symptoms such as increased heart rate and muscle tension.
Socially anxious shy: Someone who turns social fears inwards and
obsesses internally about things – for example, what they are wearing. There
may also be accompanying feelings of worthlessness.
Advice for parents
If your children are showing signs of shyness, try setting up social
situations: perhaps a mum-and-toddler group if they are young, or outings to
the park and new groups and activities if they are older.
Try to display calm, confident social skills: your child needs to see you walk
up to mothers you don’t know and start chatting to them in a relaxed way.
Show your child how to interact with other children, encourage him/her to play
with them. As this happens, move away to allow space from you while they
play.
Try to fight your own anxiety: it’s understandable but it will feed
children’s.
Dr Tanya Byron
