Okay, you may be skint. Or traumatised when you’ve been dumped. Well, we can
help. There was a time when we thought life sucked – men have broken our
hearts; we’ve had lousy flatmates; we’ve worked for absolute swines; we’ve
been at our lowest ebb. We’ve even worn flat shoes, but victims became
vixens: bye-bye, Miss Goody Two-Shoes. Hello, Miss Shag-Me Shoes and
Stockings. Here’s how to get up, get out and get over all that life can
throw at you.
THE NAUGHTY GIRL’S GUIDE TO FIRST-TIME SEX
We’re not against one-night stands, but sometimes, it is better to wait. Not
because you’re trying to pretend you’re a lady, but because there’s so much
preparation involved in dressing for that successful first time.
— Pick an outfit that lends itself to stockings or hold-ups and dress
accordingly. Trust us. Things will go entirely differently if you’ve got
sexy hosiery on. If you’re trussed up in full-strength deniers and sweaty
before you’ve even left the front door, what possible chance do you have? If
you don’t believe us, try putting the pair of tights over your head before
you go out. See how bad you look.
— The rule with dressing for sex is that a man does not want everything on a
plate. He wants to imagine what’s in the box, so to speak. So, conceal.
Suggest. Let him think there’s a whole load of fabulous things nestling
under that outfit that he, lucky boy, may just get to explore if he plays
his cards right. Of course, an added advantage of conceal and suggest is
that you can shove a load of padding down your front and make him think
there’s a lot more down there than there really is.
— The problem with all this padding is that, all being well, you’re going to
have to take it off in front of someone later on. Practise the following at
home until you’ve got it perfect: always remove your bra and all underlying
padding/chicken fillets/socks in one swift move. There’s no use letting him
sexily unhook your bra and then have everything thud to the floor. So, just
say: “Let’s get out of this.” Cup one arm across the front of your bra and
its hidden extras, unhook the back with the other hand and in one swift
movement, shove everything quickly to one side. Then leap on him to distract
him. NB: be careful that the chicken fillets don’t fly out of your hands
like a Frisbee and whack against the bedroom window. If one of them does,
just giggle and say, “Darn those pigeons!” and jump on top of him as quickly
as you can before he has time to think about it.
THE NAUGHTY GIRL’S GUIDE TO DRINKING
All the self-help books say that you should never drink alone. It’s the start
of a slippery slope to alcoholism, apparently. One glass of wine in front of
Coronation Street tonight and, before you know it, you’ll be a sad old
alcoholic, pouring vodka on your cornflakes with your life in ruins. This
is, of course, tosh.
Being single doesn’t mean you have to sit there crying into your Evian. Pour
yourself a glass and enjoy it. Then have another one. (If you’re in
recovery, then well done and stay on the wagon.) Drinking on your own is not
a crime, but aim for pleasantly tipsy rather than wrecked. To slow it down,
drink like a lady. Don’t throw back beer like a truck driver. We nicked that
advice off Kimberly Stewart, who was given it by her dad, Rod. Rodders is
quite right. Be a little less HGV-like in your drinking.
To help you judge the seriousness of your solo drinking, here are some
situations:
Falling asleep on the sofa mid-movie and mid-drink Hey, don’t worry. It
could just be that you make really bad movie choices.
Leaving your make-up on and crawling into bed Have some standards.
Cleanse and tone always, sister.
Having strange items arrive from eBay or late-night TV shopping channels
Large glass, was it? Sharon once bought a painting of an elephant with a
light-up moving trunk after a particularly splendid bottle of merlot. One
good trick is that when the shopping channel rings back to confirm the
delivery in the morning, you simply say, “It was the kids, messing about on
the telephone” and it should waive the purchase. Mind you, the elephant does
look quite nice in the loo.
Men turning up from internet-dating agencies that you don’t remember
e-mailing If you need to check your outbox for messages, perhaps you
need to check in. Even when it’s just a modem, never drink and dial where
men are concerned.
Phoning ex-lovers after midnight No, no, no. Nobody wants to know you
after midnight. Remember Cinderella?
Drunkenly attempting hardcore home bikini-waxing You’ll do this only
once. It may not hurt at the time, but the results will be really bad.
THE NAUGHTY GIRL’S GUIDE TO HOLIDAYS
How to buy a bikini
Most girls mess this up. When buying and wearing a bikini, don’t think of it
as a bikini. Think of it as a pair of knickers and a bra that you are about
to wear in public and be photographed in. If you were told that, tomorrow,
you had to go to work in nothing but your pants and the whole thing was to
be captured on film, you’d spend a lot of time making sure you had on the
most flattering option available. You would think big pants – not pretty
little things with teeny, weeny strips of material and pretty braids. You
would think underwired bras, the geniuses of lifting, separating and
thrusting. Do the same amount of planning for your bikini. Just because your
inhibitions have gone doesn’t mean your cellulite will, too. You need to
work out what that bikini will look like in action.
— Push your tummy out. Yes, we knew you were breathing in. But you can’t hold
your breath for a two-week holiday, can you? Now imagine you’ve eaten pasta
and ice cream every day and push it out some more. There. Maybe a sarong
would be a good idea.
— Turn away from the mirror and imagine picking up an object from the floor.
Pause and look back mid-action. What does your behind look like? Is there
anything showing that might frighten small children?
— Wave frantically at an imaginary friend in the surf. Does anything pop out?
Or flop out?
— Jump up and down and pretend to play volleyball.
— Lie on your back and writhe around on the floor as if you were snogging a
fabulous holiday lover on a lounger. Check out the mirror to see how you
look mid-wriggle.
— Avoid novelty clasps. Men are simple creatures. Your bikini should be, too.
He will be confused by anything more complex than a bra clasp.
— Beware of details such as beading. They may look fabulous, but they can get
caught on people, sun beds, seaweed or sea creatures. Emerging from the sea
with the entire cast of Finding Nemo clinging to your rear is not a good
look.
— Think of the tan lines. Even if a bikini is fabulous and you look really hot
in it, stay clear if it has odd cutaway holes or weird straps and things.
You might look good in it on holiday, but it’s not practical to keep wearing
a bikini to the office when you get home.
— Are you going to need extra waxing to wear this?
There are a lot of things to think about, but don’t get paranoid or depressed
about bikini purchasing. Nobody looks good in a two-piece, and those model
pictures are all airbrushed, anyway. Alternatively, you could just go skiing
instead.
How to look alluring on a beach
We presume you’re after holiday romance. Just remember at breakfast that
you’re intending to spend the rest of the day wearing only your bra and
pants while trying to attract the opposite sex. So don’t go bloating
yourself up with a a full fry-up – save the big meals for the evening when
you’re wearing more material.
Now then, you may be on holiday, but day one is no time to relax. Your first
appearance on the beach or sun lounger is crucial. This is the moment the
boys will be seeing you for the first time. The men will be checking out how
your butt compares to everyone else’s. So follow our check list.
— While walking to your sunbathing spot, suck in that tummy. Don’t worry, you
can let it all hang out in a minute. It’s just for the initial stroll along
the beach. Think catwalk. Stick your chest out, don’t smoke a fag and don’t
have a row down your mobile with someone.
— Unless you’ve paid for them or they’re naturally pert, don’t go topless.
Leave something to the imagination.
— Beaches are a nightmare to look elegant on. The sand sticks to your sun
lotion. It’s impossible to apply cream to your bottom in public without
looking ridiculous. You look hot, you look sweaty and you look stupid as you
try and rub that thick smear of white sun lotion into your face. So, for
maximum appeal, do the whole suncream-application thing in the bathroom
before you leave the hotel room, so you can go through a nice, sexy, top-up
routine when you arrive on the beach. Stroke a little oil into your arms
like they do on those suncream ads, and avoid all that rubbing under the
udders in public. Every hour or so, pop back to your hotel to reapply
lotion, perhaps change your bikini or put on some more waterproof mascara.
This enables you to check there’s no male talent along the beach that you
are missing out on and also to get out of the sun and check you’re not
turning red. Remember, holidays are for eating lobster, not looking like
one.
Exiting the sea
Your biggest moment for attracting men is your walk out of the sea. Get it
right and it will be pure Baywatch as the waves lap at your ankles and you
emerge, glistening, from the surf, with the entire beach admiring you.
Remember Ursula Andress in the first Bond film – the white bikini and the
leather belt?
— Before you leave the water, we’d like you to pause when it is at
waist-height. Now turn round so your back is to the beach and you are
looking out to sea. Look down. Remember you are in your bra and knickers.
Make sure your bits are in place. Adjust all Lycra.
— Now your exit. Aim to stride seductively through the waves. Pull in your
stomach, hold your head up high, and think gymkhana as you pick up your
feet, lift your knees and step over the waves. Don’t try and push through
them, as you’ll lose your balance and fall flat. If you don’t have massive
breasts, you could try this at a light trot.
— Practise before your holiday by watching the DVD of Baywatch to see how
Pamela does it. Get a large mirror and trot around the living room, jumping
over imaginary waves and seeing if that look works for you.
— Leave your flip-flops near the water’s edge. The whole thing will be ruined
if you start screaming in agony because the sand is too hot.
Holiday photographs
If possible, only have photos taken after four days in the sun, so you look
tanned and fabulous instead of pasty white.
— Good positioning in a group shot can take at least a stone off you. Link
your arms round the waists of two friends on either side so your bingo wings
are hidden. Stand slightly back so they cover part of your body. If there’s
someone fatter than you, get next to them.
— Never hug friends around their necks as you’ll end up with an unflattering
shot of your armpits. Never be the person on the end of the group nearest
the camera. Your arms and thighs always look fatter because you’re nearest
the lens. We know it’s supposed to be a fun moment, spontaneously captured
on holiday, but you’ll thank us when you get your pictures printed and you
look simply incredible.
All these tricks can help but, if at all possible, try and avoid being
photographed in your bikini. If a camera is produced, we suggest you strike
a novelty pose, crouching playfully behind a sunbed or fellow holidaymaker
in order to cover as much of your body as possible. True friends only take
head-and-shoulder snaps of each other while in a bikini’d state. If all else
fails, offer to take the photographs yourself.
Excercise
Don’t bother. A tan will take at least half a stone off you, which means you
can stuff your face all through your holiday and still look the same weight
when you get back home. Any exercise done on holiday proves you are an
incredibly virtuous and saintlike person. You should reward yourself with
vast amounts of extra calories.
Holiday romance
Here’s our guide to what’s acceptable:
DJs, doormen or waiters No. Nice as they may be, it’s the end of the
evening and your judgment could be flawed.
Minicab drivers No, no, no! Just pay the fare and get out.
Cleaners, janitors, bell boys Please. Never with housekeeping.
Salesmen Possibly. The owner of an upmarket store or couture concession
may earn you a decent discount. Sleeping with the man who sold you aloe vera
on the beach is not fine. It’s cheap.
Pilots Debatable. Sleeping with the EasyJet pilot is sluttish. The man
flying your private plane, however, is more acceptable. Totally acceptable
is the owner of said jet. As a basic rule, do not have sex on a commercial
flight. Unless it’s really long haul. And he’s irresistible.
Fellow holidaymakers Ask questions first. Do they live anywhere near
you? Do they know people in your office? Do you have friends in common?
Basically, try and work out if the tale of your wanton holiday behaviour is
likely to be shared with everyone at home. It’s generally okay if they live
more than 100 miles away and you don’t have any mutual friends – although,
if they own a Porsche or Ferrari, bear in mind that a hundred miles can be
driven quite quickly, so you need a good 300-mile gap for safety. If,
however, he owns a Lada, then go, girl, go. He’ll never make the journey in
that.
The Naughty Girl’s Guide to Life by Tara Palmer-Tomkinson and Sharon
Marshall (Sphere £12.99) is published on September 3. To order for £11.69
(inc p&p), call The Sunday Times Books First, 0870 160 8080
