Yes, it’s started. You may be there already – at your parents’ or his brother’s, wherever you are spending the big day – or you may still be dropping off presents and repacking cars. Either way, seasonal family stress is just about peaking. You’ve already had the fight about clothes (“he’s not planning to wear those trainers on Christmas day, surely?”) and the “who mixed up the present bags?” argument, but this is just laying the groundwork for the main events, which are, in no particular order.

The argument with the teenage daughter/niece

At Christmas, all teenage girls are supposed to transform into demure delights in satin sashes and patent pumps, and when they don’t, everyone panics. They are on their mobiles all the time, every day of the year, but now this is an affront to the family idyll. They always wear black eyeliner, but does it have to be quite so heavy, with the Hendersons coming round? Nobody feels safe with them in the room, but when they’re not in the room it doesn’t feel like a “family Christmas”.

The argument with the teenage son/nephew

This is usually about God, and their lack of interest in God, which means they don’t need to go to the carol service and can sit around drinking Beck’s. This is really an argument about how unbelievably spoilt they are, compared to us at that age, and how furious we are that we didn’t do more about it during the year. And the fact that none of us believed in God when we were their age, but as if we’d have dared use that as an excuse for not going to church on Christmas Day. It is also about their lack of suitable footwear.

The argument about manners

Everyone must help, especially because there are people present who are old enough to remember when that was the norm, but also because there is an element of competitive happy families at Christmas: nobody wants to be the parents screaming, “Clear the table or I’ll break your PS3.”

The argument about your smoking

This is not really an argument about your smoking – which is strictly a blue-moon event now – it is about someone (your mother) wanting you to take stock and realise that you are another year older and there are certain things that are doing you no favours – specifically your haircut/your skinny jeans (are they cutting off your circulation?)/your weight (too low or too high, could be either) and so on.

The argument about his drinking

This is really about your plan to change your personality in the new year and your anxiety that he has absolutely no intention of joining you on a papaya-and-fizzy-water January detox.

The argument about timing

One present in the morning? All of them after lunch? Lunch – when exactly? When should the turkey go on then? Why? Does anyone have a calculator?

The argument about everyone relaxing because otherwise what’s the point?

Everyone needs to sit down and not do any more washing-up, but some of them would rather do the washing-up because leaving it makes them feel unrelaxed. This one is a killer.

Christmas Day, now that’s a whole other set of arguments.

Times recommends

• Live fashion chat: How to stay warm and chic
• How I lost the gift of joy for a while
• The A-Z of winter style rules