AGE DEFIANCE: PART 3: MIND
I have worked as a counsellor and life coach for 25 years with a wide
range of clients. When things in life get tough it can often help to take
time to stop, reassess and clarify the situation. By adopting a positive and
optimistic approach we can harness a strong sense of self-belief, which
helps us to build the inner strength that we all need.
Anyone who lets the surprising nature of life work for them rather than
against them is on to a winner. The capacity to make the most of life lies
entirely in our attitude. If we are upbeat and expect the best, we are
inclined to attract positive opportunities.
Different stages of life bring different challenges, possibilities and
interests. Our preoccupations might change as we grow older but some of the
underlying issues remain the same. We all need to watch that we don’t slip
into negativity and cynicism when change comes along. Here, I hope to
highlight both the perennial and specific life challenges that you might
face each decade, and give some pointers as to how to deal with them. Fast
Track to Happiness by Lynda Field, £8.99, Vermilion Age
Age 16-25
Key issues This is an intense period of great transition. There is
inevitable peer pressure to contend with, alongside the struggle to gain
your independence and break away from the family (emotionally, physically
and, eventually, financially). Many young people experience a crisis of body
confidence as they undergo an onslaught of powerful hormones and may face
greasy skin (most common in boys) and weight gain (commonly in girls), just
at a time when they desire to be attractive to the opposite sex.
Challenges How to: Maintain your self-esteem and the confidence to act
independently. Bounce back and not be floored by the many mistakes that you
will make along the way.
What to do: Keep the lines of communication open with your parents.
This will help you to establish a solid base to launch from. Take a
part-time job while still in full-time education and familiarise yourself
with the adult world. Try work experience in any area that interests you.
Don’t compare yourself with others; this habit only leads to low
self-esteem. Just remind yourself that you are a one-off with your own
unique qualities. Play team games, this will maintain your endorphin
(happiness) levels and help you to build body confidence and good
relationships.
Age 26-35
Key issues This is a more stabilising time, with your focus on career
development, relationships and possibly marriage. There may be dilemmas
concerning who and what to commit to (mortgage, person, profession) and also
of course the financial strains involved in settling down. There might also
be a sense of loss of youth and personal freedom and this can affect your
decision-making powers.
Challenges How to: Trust your own judgment. Make plans without losing
your natural capacity for creativity.
What to do: Set down your goals on paper and if they don’t excite you
then delete them. Break down long-term goals into smaller steps so that they
are more manageable. Make good relationship choices. Be aware of what you
are looking for in an intimate relationship and don’t sell yourself short. A
good partnership depends upon shared goals. Have fun and keep things fresh
by trying something new: snow-boarding, scuba diving, salsa . . .
Age 36-45
Key issues You are likely to be busy spinning the plates of home, work,
children, partner, friends, relaxation time, etc. For women this issue might
be even more significant with a growing feeling of “what about me?” The
burdens of responsibility can add strains to the marriage and most women
will become aware of the approach of the menopause. This period is
stretching but also rewarding as you see the fruits of your labour emerge.
Your family and friendships will bring increasing depth and meaning to your
life.
Challenges How to: Manage children/career/community issues and still
have time for leisure activities. Keep the spark in your relationship when
so much of the time your home life can feel like hard work. Deal with the
emotions that come with parenting – love/guilt/responsibility/anxiety.
What to do: Make time work for you by learning how to manage it well.
Be utterly realistic about how long tasks will take, get your “to do” lists
together and delegate. Schedule relaxation times into your “to do” lists.
Give these top priority and build the rest of each day around them. Drop the
guilt! This tip is specifically for women. Know that family life brings up a
ragbag of emotions and accept this. Keep talking to your partner and share
your feelings. Discuss domestic issues and come to joint decisions.
Age 46-55
Key issues A time of transition and change at every level – physically,
emotionally and practically. This period requires you to let go of many
things that have been important to you. The empty nest takes some getting
used to and partners usually experience a change in their relationship when
the last child leaves home. And then there’s a growing responsibility for
elderly parents. Plus, of course, the menopause for women and a mid-life
crisis for men! Relax, you have all the strength you will need to deal with
everything.
Challenges How to: Let go of your children yet still be supportive.
Deal with loss of family life in your home without feeling redundant. Be
there for elderly parents without taking over control of their lives. Face
the physical changes of the middle years and accept your age gracefully.
What to do: Adopt a regular fitness regime that you enjoy. It could
mean going on regular walks, or you might take up yoga or golf or ballroom
dancing. Accept that your changing relationship with your children and your
parents will take time to assimilate. Do some voluntary work. When we give
our time to others we feel happier and more fulfilled. Fight any feelings of
increasing invisibility and lack of confidence by reinventing yourself.
Overhaul your wardrobe, adopt a new hairstyle, take regular massages and
keep your sex life alive.
Age 56-65
Key issues A phase of profound change, this stage seems to give and
take in equal measure. On the one hand you will experience much more free
time and on the other you might be grappling with concerns associated with
giving up work. Issues such as loss of status and changing self-identity
might need addressing. Certainly you will be living life at a new tempo and
this could take some getting used to. You are now probably the oldest in the
family clan and this brings new and different feelings of responsibility.
Health permitting, this can be a marvellous period to have fun with your
grandchildren and to enjoy doing all of those things that you have never
been able to find the time for.
Challenges How to: Make a smooth transition from career to retirement.
Keep physically and mentally fit. Accept your changing role in society and
choose to adopt a positive and enthusiastic approach to the future.
What to do: Prepare for the day you leave work. Try your hand at some
new hobbies and you can look forward to developing them when you have more
time – pottery, local history, tracing ancestors (you can even go on
genealogy holidays) . . . There are so many exciting new projects for you to
discover. Keep your mind buzzing and alert. Learn a new language or a
musical instrument (great for engaging both sides of the brain), do
challenging cross-words or try Su Doku. Treat yourself to a Nintendo DS
(very up to the minute) and play the Brain Age game, a fabulous tool to keep
you mentally young. Stay up to date with modern technology. This will keep
you informed and able to help your grandchildren with their homework. You
are both as young as you feel and as young as you act. Keep exercising.
Age 65+
Key issues This is the time to call on all the understanding and
knowledge that you have gathered throughout the years. You have faced so
much and have learnt how to overcome setbacks and cope with losses, but you
also know how to celebrate the beauty of life.
Increasing age brings the ability to become more accepting of self and of
others and to develop the wonderful capacity for forgiveness. Naturally you
will be contemplating the fact of death and this can lead to an enlightening
sense of the bigger picture and a maturing of spiritual awareness. As we
look back on life it becomes possible to see how each separate stage leads
inevitably to the next and how, in the end, we can only realise our unique
and amazing potential by living with awareness and learning from every
single one of our experiences.
Challenges How to: Face uncertainty with grace. Leave a positive
legacy. Share your many gifts with others. Accept the ageing process.
What to do: Reflect on the changing nature of your thoughts, feelings
and behav-iour. What attitudes and approach-es bring light and understanding
to you and those around you? Use your wisdom and be glad for all that you
can offer to others. If you haven’t joined the U3A (University of the Third
Age) then check what your local group is doing. This great organisation can
open so many new doors as well as introduce you to new friends.
Alternatively, join a library, if you haven’t already done so. Learn to
relax and enjoy the moment, there is so much to appreciate, as you know.
Keep up with your friendships; these are as valuable as gold dust.
Soul-searching: Helen Brill, 32 Susan King, intuitive counsellor; £150 (for
one hour). 020-7637 1478 or susanlking@hotmail.com
I wanted answers – do I stay with him or do I go? Is this the year I buy
a flat? Will it all be OK in the end? Susan looks into a person’s past and
future and offers guidance and reassurance. After describing my boyfriend
with frightening accuracy, she reassured me that I would soon gain the
clarity I needed to make a decision. After meeting Susan, I knew it would
all be OK.
Start a business: Clare Mann, 44, lives in Surrey
Starting a new business has given me a much-needed lease of life. In the past
year I have divorced, moved house and found a boyfriend, at the same time as
trying to juggle my life around that of my 7-year-old son and 11-year-old
daughter. I have definitely felt pulled in all directions, and I have felt
very guilty that I have not given enough attention either to my children, or
to my new boyfriend.
A nurse by training, I worked for a pharmaceutical company but gave up work to
look after my kids. But over the years I have become more and more
interested in fashion, and so I decided to set up my own image consultancy,
called Blazer, about six months ago. I found it hard to think of something
that would fit around work and children and find the right balance, and
crucially, to make it all work financially. Childcare is so expensive that
you can often end up earning nothing.
The whole thing makes me feel useful once again, because I was starting to
feel useless, and I am really excited about earning my own money, and
achieving something for myself. The thought of having my own business also
makes me feel much more confident, and more forthright about what I want.
Books and music: Henry McKenzie Johnston, 86, lives in London London
Library: 020-7930 7705
I joined the London Library 25 years ago, aged 61. I had never belonged to a
library before but, after a career in the diplomatic service, I decided that
writing a book would keep my mind active when I retired. So I joined the
London Library to carry out my research, as well as for personal pleasure.
My wife, to whom I have been married for 59 years, is also an avid reader and
belongs to the local public library, and between us we house 45 metres of
books. Reading and listening to music are two of the greatest pleasures of
old age, and for once you have the time to enjoy both properly. My wife gets
through up to five books a week; I read fewer, because I tend to go for very
long historical biographies that take longer, and I read for at least an
hour a day before bed, and more if I can.
I am in the 56-65 category, and I'm wondering where the 'free time' comes in. I know articles this like cannot relate to all individuals, but I find it frustrating that I rarely find articles that do relate at all. I had my children at age 39 and 41, so in my retirement year I still have several years ahead of funding children through at least 3 years of university, to-ing and fro-ing with belongings every term, and no prospect (I hope!) of grandchildren for some years. The 'empty nest' referred to in the 46-55 age group, I see no prospect of for several more years, and I'm not alone - I have several friends about my age, with children of similar ages. We are all beginning to find life exhausting, having had our children later in life, and little support or advice around on how to cope. I lost my mother a few months ago, and both parents in law have Alzheimers. "..enjoy doing all of those things that you have never been able to find time for" - some hopes!
Linda, West Sussex
Linda Moore, Pulborough,
People over 55 are not dead yet. I'm surprised you didn't suggest that we start selecting our gravestones and choosing the hymns for our funerals. I'm 58 and am starting a new business, playing chamber music and writing a book; my 67-year-old husband is still consulting all over the world, having earned his PhD in his fifties. We just returned from a trip up the Amazon and are leaving to staff a conference in South Africa. My 92-year-old father still manages his own portfolio, sits on various boards, sings in a choir, and volunteers in his community. Your suggestions are more about passing the time until we die. How about something meaningful? -- start a PhD or a new business or any of a thousand other things that require engagement with life?!
Mulgreaves, Surrey, UK
Couldn't agree more, Clarissa. I was hoping for some advice on how to stay positive after losing one's job, both of one's parents within 3 months of each other to lung cancer in their 60s (and my 40s), and sustaining a brain injury which could irrevocably change/damage my career, all within two years and having to deal with this on my own. OK, so I wasn't expecting those specifics but a general reference to job loss, bereavement and disability might have featured! they are quite common life events after all! To add insult to injury, the assumption is that we are all Smug Marrieds to boot!
Jane, London,
To suggest that one's life can be planned to the degree suggested by the author is bunkum. I have found in my life, and from looking around me, that what is more profound is what happens to us in life that we haven't planned for! After living a relatively smooth, successful life for 45 years, my whole life was "hit for a six" by a person who deliberately set out to do so. There was no way I could have planned for this. 2 and half years later I am still coming to terms with what happened, depite the exercises, healthy diet, positive thinking and all the other predictable "habits of mind and body" espoused above. Articles such as above actually serve a negative purpose in instilling in the person finding life a challenge a sense of failure - "Oh, I didn't plan properly so it must be my fault..." - whereas the cause of their angst is usually not in their control. Lennon was right when he sang, "Life is what happens to us while we're busy making other plans..."
Clarissa, Melbourne, Australia