Maternal misery

My mum is a complete embarrassment. Despite being the wrong side of 40 (both in age and waist measurement), she arrives at my school wearing tiny low-cut jeans, bellowing into a mobile phone, flirting with other parents and parking her huge 4WD Jeep across three parking spaces. I dread the next concert, as she is bound to applaud wildly and whistle when I appear, and as soon as I play my recorder, she is always overcome emotionally. How can I avoid being shown up in public?

LT, Essex

You can’t, but it might help if you start a rumour that you were adopted as a baby. However, I suspect that nobody else notices anything out of the ordinary about your mother in your part of Essex.

Hair care

I have terrible dandruff and none of the multitudinous products I have tried seems to work. What can I do? Despair beckons.

LW, Birmingham

Highly patterned tops disguise the snowfall quite well; otherwise, you could try wearing a hat. A turban works superbly, though is rather attention-grabbing. Your best recourse is to shave your head entirely and wear a wig.

An eye for the ladies

I was recently on a business trip abroad. During a night on the tiles, I met an attractive young lady. We began chatting and things got a bit flirty. Before it was all too heavy, I realised that something about this girl didn’t stack up. I suspected that she may have been a “professional” and bailed out to avoid a potentially difficult situation. With hindsight, I am now unsure if she was a tart or not, and this (frustratingly) means that I may have rejected an incredibly beautiful girl who wanted to hang out with me. For future reference, how would you suggest I proceed when unsure?

LKN, London

Ask if she takes credit cards. If her response is anything other than to slap your face, then she’s a prostitute.

Facing the future

I am a 16-year-old girl. Isn’t that enough of a problem? Help me before I turn into my mother or, worse, my father.

JL, Cheshunt

Don’t worry. You will define yourself in exact opposition to everything your parents do and stand for during the next couple of years. Then, just when you begin to regard yourself as a self-created individual, you will discover that you have turned into one or the other of your parents, if not a weird amalgam of the two. In my case, I suddenly heard myself saying, “Don’t even think about it”, with exactly the same intonation and implied criticism as my mother always had. Very spooky. But there you are, that’s fate for you: we are bound upon a wheel of fire that our own tears do scald like molten lead.

Size appeal

My wife says I am simply “too big”. Any tips?

CJ, London

Stay sitting down whenever possible and avoid making sudden movements, as you are probably very clumsy and prone to making a mess.

Send problems to: Mrs Mills, The Sunday Times, 1 Pennington Street, London E98 1ST, or mrs.mills@sunday-times.co.uk. No correspondence can be entered into.

Mrs Mills Solves All Your Problems is published by Mainstream at £9.99. To buy it for £8.99, including p&p in the UK, call The Sunday Times BooksFirst on 0870 165 8585 or visit timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst

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