If you rejected the sexual advances of a man last night, Tesco knows the reason why. In a survey conducted by the supermarket (don’t ask why), 36% admitted they had turned down a man because of their negative body image. This got me thinking of all the other reasons for saying no to sex. In consultation with a select panel, I have come up with the following (and nobody mentioned body image, unless you count eating too much and feeling like you’ve swallowed a football, having legs that are at the dangerously bristly stage or having wax stuck in peculiar places). Here they are:

— You can’t stop thinking about all the stuff you have to do tomorrow, and what you really want to do is find a pencil and a piece of paper.

— You have your teeth-whitening equipment in.

— You are bloody tired.

— You have hiccups.

— You were in the mood an hour ago, then he insisted on watching more TV, and now all you can think about is Heather Mills and gifted children.

— He hasn’t shaved.

— He has been remiss. You can’t remember exactly how, but it was earlier, and you are still angry.

— You have drunk the perfect amount and now feel peculiar – any movement could provoke nausea.

— He doesn’t seem to be as keen as he should be, and if he is waiting for you to demonstrate keenness, which he may be, then you thought of it first.

— You think the heating might still be on. It is unbelievably hot.

— It is too cold to risk the duvet moving at all.

— The dog is looking.

— You have a hair in your mouth.

— Your jaw is practically locked with stress.

— What you really want to do is talk about: booking your holiday; whether you have the right mortgage; whether he remembered to check the mortgage; all the things on the list you asked him to do and have not had written proof that he has.

— You are worrying about early-onset Alzheimer’s, particularly on account of the keys-left-in-the-front-door incident.

— You have noticed a large crack in the bedroom ceiling. This has led you into a spiral of self-loathing because of the decorating that still needs to be done, the pictures that still need hanging and so on. You haven’t even got a bed head.

— You accidentally watched a documentary on Five called How to be Averagely Good in Bed by 21st-Century Standards, and it has taken the wind out of your sails.

— You are stiff after going to the gym for the first time since January.

— You think you have a heart murmur.

— You really need eight hours’ sleep or you won’t be able to cope tomorrow.

We can do negative body image, too. It’s just not the most obvious one on the list.

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