Tad: I've had a hell of a tough week consoling a good friend. He's a mess.

Molly: I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?

Tad: He suffered a terrible loss.

Molly: Oh dear. A member of his family?

Tad: No. His hair.

Molly: Oh, please - for a moment there I was genuinely concerned.

Tad: You should be. The guy is only 35. He'd been fighting baldness for years. Throwing everything science has to offer at the problem. Nothing could staunch the spread of scalp. The comb-over had recently become simply too sad, so he finally shaved the whole lot off. He has been inconsolable ever since.

Molly: Over baldness? I'm taking it he hasn't endured what he would no doubt see as the equally terrible tragedy of being short, or becoming fat or impotent.

Tad: Don't laugh. It's serious.

Molly: You make it sound as if this guy has been disfigured in some way. In fact he is just being forced to acknowledge, albeit in a fairly public way, the onset of middle age. That's never comfortable for any of us, but it is hardly a genuine trauma.

Tad: I don't think you're taking into account the psychological effect of baldness on men. It's like making fun of the menopause. Losing your hair may actually be worse. At least you don't wear the menopause out in the open. Baldness is about as hidden as the screaming siren on top of a police car.

Molly: OK. It's pretty easy for women to hide the outward signs of their ovaries packing up. But that doesn't alter the fact that inside they are experiencing a systems shutdown of a key, arguably the key, female biological function. Baldness is unfair, because some men will never lose their hair, but that doesn't make it a problem on a par with ceasing to be reproductively fit for purpose. I think your friend and the millions of other tortured baldies out there are fretting needlessly.

Tad: Who hasn't looked at Prince William's shedding pate and thought, “Poor guy, losing his hair so young”? Poor guy? Heir to the throne. Unearned wealth, power and privilege heaped on him. The jackpot winner of the lucky sperm club. And STILL you think “Poor guy”. That is some major affliction.

Molly: You're missing the point. The onset of middle age that baldness heralds represents a huge shift in the powerplay between men and women. Life is a game of two halves that women dominate for the first few decades. How I wish I had appreciated the power that youthful femininity has over men while I was young and pert enough to use it. Forget intelligence and wit, young girls don't even need to be especially pretty - their very youthfulness acts as an elixir on the opposite sex. But the rules of the game reverse as 40 looms. Intelligent and amusing young men lose none of their entertainment value as the years pass, and age usually brings them professional success, too. It's a different story for women. Look at Hollywood - a town where 36-year-old Gwyneth Paltrow fears being steamrollered out of the good parts by an army of “younger and prettier” rivals, while balding old-timers such as Jack Nicholson are still beating the great parts and arm candy away with the proverbial stick. Your mate needs to stop worrying about how he looks and start working on how he sounds. Women are always more turned on by someone witty.

Tad: Whoa. Are we still discussing baldness or are you angry about something?

Molly: Just wishing I had grasped the rules of the game before the half-time oranges were hoving into view.

Tad: OK... The point is that baldness is a serious concern for men. It's a creeping assassin. You never quite know when or where. Actually, you know where... on the top of your head. But not knowing when is the killer.

Molly: Think of all the attractive male role models - Zidane, Sean Connery, Bruce Willis, Agassi. I've got a huge crush on Shane Warne, even though he's had his scalp artificially seeded with hair from God knows where.

Tad: All those men have wealth and fame to compensate for baldness. And it's a cruel irony that worry can cause baldness and yet one of my greatest worries is going bald before I can compensate for it with a yacht.

Molly: Count yourself lucky. Bald or not, if you were to become the kind of alpha male who owns a yacht, I'd have to shed about ten years to stand a chance of being invited to loll around on deck.

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