I remember the weeks leading up to my wedding. I was 30 years old, and I tried
not to think, tried to keep moving, tried not to stop for a single minute to
consider that perhaps the reasons I was getting married were not the right
ones; that those feelings I kept trying to stuff down were panic; that not
only was there more to life than this, but that I deserved it.
I hadn’t had a good history of relationships. In my twenties, I had a series
of flings, relationships that lasted a few months, all of which seemed to
follow the same pattern. Men would meet me, think I was independent,
attractive, good fun, all of which I was. And a few weeks, or months later,
the neediness would kick in, and I became jealous, difficult,
high-maintenance. The needier I became, the more they distanced themselves,
and every relationship seemed to end with me in tears, wondering why I
couldn’t get it right.
When I met the man who was to become my husband, I was 29 years old. I’d had
enough. Thirty was my own personal sell-by date, a great looming cloud that
hovered over me throughout my late twenties, and if I wasn’t married before
30, I believed I would be sitting on the shelf for ever.
The husband wasn’t like the others. For the first time, I was able to check
all the boxes. Or at least, almost all. Ambitious? Check. Intelligent?
Check. Would he be a good husband? A good father? Check. Was I attracted to
him? I couldn’t check that box with a clear conscience, not entirely. I was
attracted to his mind, to his personality, to the fact that he adored me,
wanted to marry me, seemed to be everything I was supposed to look for in a
husband. So what if I never felt swept off my feet with passion? It wasn’t
everything; passion, in fact, was very little.
I even wrote a book about it, Passion Junkie, which was later changed to
Straight Talking. I based it on a quote I’d read from William Wharton. What
is love, his daughter had asked on the eve of her wedding. “It is passion,
admiration and respect,” he told her. “If you have two, you have enough. If
you have three, you don’t have to die to go to heaven.”
Which two were enough? Could you live without passion? Passion had not served
me well: placed me on an emotional rollercoaster, falling in and out of
love, either deliriously happy with the thrill of the ride, or in a deep
depression as I crashed and burned once again.
I decided it would be safer to live without passion. That respect, friendship,
shared ambitions and aims were more important. I sat in friends’ living
rooms and told them earnestly that passion didn’t last, and that once
passion dulled, as it inevitably did, more often than not, you were left
with a partner you didn’t even like.
How much more sensible to choose someone who could be a friend, a true
partner, and it wouldn’t matter if the rose-coloured lenses fell off, for
they were never there to begin with. And he loved me. It seemed like enough.
He proposed on the banks of the Bosphorus in Istanbul, on a glorious night
that should have been the most romantic night of my life, but, in fact, felt
as if we were continuing to check all the right boxes. We sat in the
restaurant, days before I turned 30, and I asked him if he was going to
propose, because it seemed like the right thing to do. And he did, pulling
my grandmother’s ring from his pocket and placing it on my finger.
I felt as if I were doing what was expected of me, being a good girl. I was
marrying a man everybody seemed to approve of, stepping out of my twenties
where I had dated musicians, artists and writers, and chosen an investment
banker, someone I thought my parents might choose for me, someone who would
help me grow up, give me the conventional life I had decided I ought to
have, rather than the unconventional one that in retrospect would have
suited me much better.
Everything about our marriage was conventional. We were married in the same
place my parents had married 32 years earlier, with a reception at
Claridge’s. My dress was beautiful, the flowers divine, and I didn’t stop to
think about why I felt so empty inside. My husband was — is — conventional.
He sees the world in black and white, whereas I have always seen it in
shades of grey. He hated my “artistic” friends, and I found little comfort
in his religious right-wing circles. There was not much kindness or respect
in our marriage. It became a battle ground, of wits and words, a shared
sense of humour, but a humour that had barbs, that stung, ever so slightly
at first, but became sharper and sharper as time progressed.
Was I happy? I ought to have been. I thought I had everything I needed to be
happy. Gorgeous children, a beautiful home, good friends. Whenever the panic
became too great, I would fill my life with another distraction. I continued
having children: four in five years. I decorated the house. I threw parties,
cooking elaborate meals for dozens of people, wrote books, tried to ignore
the feeling that I wasn’t present in my life, that I was hovering above,
looking in and wondering how I’d got there.
Read "The Starter Marriage." It seems commonplace for both women and men to get married to people they know really aren't right for them. It seems to boil down to immaturity and insecurity. I just turned 40 and am still single; it sucks, but I'm proud that I never took the route this woman did.
Charlotte, Savannah, USA
...I too have suffered at the hands of the 'have-it-all' woman. Gorgeous son, nice big house, no need (or wish) to work...and all I get is continuous grief.
Looks like it's time to get rid of the man who made it all happen (but will have to contunue to pay to keep it all happening)...
East D, London, UK
She is clearly a selfish manipulator and her children are the worse for it. At least she admits she used the man. The mother of my 4 children is exactly the same yet sees herself as a kind of angel. The Law is very biased against men - such women should not get custody of the children but they do.
mr s stanislawski, Brighton, UK
I think it's sad that the author married a man and had children with him, knowing she wasn't in love with him to begin with. it's a type of 'human' fraud. But for the sake of the children, it's better to move on and leave the relationship, staying with someone 'for the children' never works.
Lis, Sydney, Australia
There are many women out there that will relate to this article. It's about the dream and the reality of marriage is different. The age of staying in a marriage and being 'content with what you have' has passed. Living in denial is much easier than facing up to your mistakes.
Natalie, London,
My My, what a jealous lot you all appear to be. Stuck in your own relationships that perhaps are not happy?
But carrying on regardless.
We don't know that her Children don't see their Father.
But we do know she is now happy.
Is this now a crime?
C, London,
She finally has the life she dreamed of !! Hurray!! Never mind the life of the man she used, robbed from, and took from him his children,whose only crime was loving her and catering to her every whim, (Move to the country, etc.) Never mind the damage guaranteed to have been inflicted on the kids.
Ray, Methuen ma, USA
I said earlier, "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone". Should have been Him/Her it seems, and there are a lot of saints out there!! Remember people, hindsight is always 20/20.....
David Ashton, Bathurst, Australia
I feel she was very selfish having so many children with a man she knew, she was not in love with... now dragging them into a life away from what seems to be a good father... all that destruction because of her poor judgement... She should have left him before having any kids, not after. How sad...
Unica, London, UK
Why is this article titled "When love is not enough"? Surely the whole problem arose from the fact she decided to marry someone she didn't really love at all?
Malcolm , London, UK
She married the man for the wrong reasons but she obviously got married due to a fear of being alone not malicious intend. I imagine the article was written so others could learn from her mistakes. By sharing her story she may be able to stop someone else from getting married for the wrong reasons.
Jacquie, Calgary,
I have to agree that there must be some passion, otherwise a woman starts to think of the husband as a 'brother' type. That will do nothing to keep a girl interested on cold nights. This is life, enjoy it. It is possible to have a good blend in a mate.
kyle l. ligon, las vegas, usa
This man is father of her children and she can't stop justifying her selfishness. She gets rid of people without concern. The devastated husband and children are coming together. Why have 4 children under 5 and want more? Move 4 times in 5 years. Kids have a great father. Enjoy Hollywood you fit in.
Ian, London, United Kingdom
After reading the comments I can only hope Jane has a good laugh at some of the mindless people here, people who seem to think they live above such things when in fact their inability to see how truly human her story is makes them look far worse than any of her actions do for her.A very good article
Claire, Brisbane,
"My landlord, a man I had known vaguely for some years, became my friend. And slowly, slowly, he became my lover."
Hmm, sounds suspicious - anyone else suspect that she moved back to to her home town in the hope of hooking up with this guy? That said, some of the other comments are a little harsh.
Sidney, Sydney,
After 19 years I wish my husband respected & protected me.
He sometimes says mean things about our future & why he married me, although he says it in the heat of the moment it really makes my heart ache. I am not a door mat I will shout back. Really wish I was admired & cherished by him again xx
K, Cheshire, UK
This man is the father of her children and she can't stop justifying her selfishness. She gets rid of people without concern. The devastated husband and children are coming together. Why have 4 children under 5 and want more? Move 4 times in 5 years. Kids have a great father. Enjoy Hollywood you fit
Ian, London, United Kingdom
And to think it ONLY took four kids to find out that "love, money, & an adoring husband/father" was not enough for this needy calculator. (sniff)
Moral: Better to confront one's "boo boos" on somebody else's time & money.
Can't wait to see what the $title of Jane Green's next book will be..
cathy hansen, ruckersville, virginia, USA
She made initial choices from other people's simplistic assumptions: ingredients of a relationship, checklist approach. Was she really so immature, insightless, lacking in emotional intelligence? That her husband could not stand her friends should have said it all to her. Hope her children are OK
Ann, Driffield, Yorkshire, UK
Thank you, you have affirmed my beliefs entirely - having had a wife just like you I have sworn myself to celibacy and never letting anyone close to me - I have been thinking I was wrong until I read your article and realised that you (women) are all alike - good luck to your third husband.
AKULA, london, UK
I'm not sure that JG believes she made any mistakes at all. She seems to have done rather well from it. I bet the ex-husband and kids would have a tale to tell.
Keywords would be sell-by date, deserve, clear vision. Those who centre their lives around themselves cause ruination - then write books.
Paul M, Puerto del Rosario, Spain
In sum then, a self obsessed girl wastes some years of a guy's life because she was only looking in the mirror, and then tries to make it all into a philosophy.
alex, london,
"...Finally' I have the life I have always wanted..." says it all. It ain't final, she still breaths, and if she is still in the always wanting mode, dissatisfaction is always just around the corner. Fact is most people grow weary of love, as they label it, because they simply mirror what they want.
Douglas Miller, Fulham,
"Wanting things right now causes us to settle for something which may not be exactly what we wanted, but bears some slight resemblance, so we take it, with the attitude that something is better than nothing. " It's not just women... some male friends also settled and are now divorced or suffering.
Elizabeth Young, London, United Kingdom.
When will men stand up for themselves? Repeat after me ...
"I do not have to get married .... I do not have to get married."
You need no more proof than this article from this female to
say "I do not have to get married."
John, Placentia, Republic of California
All of this "happening" doesn't deserve a beauty prize, but for the lady to spill the beans to the world at large is even worse. It's what I call "emotional incontinence". Relationship breakdown is bad enough as it is, but dissecting it for all to read is cruel on her ex-husband and children.
Bert, London,
I love your books Jane Green. Especially Spellbound.
I also used to think that Passion wasn't vital because it wears off however I've never felt right in a relationship if the passion wasn't there.
Thanks for reconfirming what I've (and all women have known) all along.
K. W, Glasgow , Scotland
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone. How many of us make the same mistakes? And how many of us are honest enough to admit our mistakes? And how many of us are lucky enough to EVER get it right? Good on ya Jane, you deserve your happiness.
David Ashton, Bathurst, Australia
The rules of love and happiness must be different around the globe because I disagree with the perception of her as self-absorbed. From an American viewpoint, she, her children and her ex-husband are all much better off if she is in a relationship she VALUES as opposed to one she does not.
Lisa, Sydney, Australia
She forgot to tick the box that said "has staggering amounts of cash." She married an investment banker, who wasn't around at all from monday to friday, and she grew "further an further apart from." Does that amaze anyone??? She sold out to her material desires to have the "prefect life".
Jon, Boston, MA
What a selfish narcissist - what about the poor children's bond with their father ? And the husband is treated as a hapless sap to be misled & deceived from the start -- useful for paying for everything & for 'ticking boxes' until she dumps him to further her 'personal growth'. Ugh
K Palmer, Wellington, New Zealand
My wife admits she married me for my money; I became a millionaire at 25. We have been happy for 35 years now and have always had the best of everything and are extremely happy with our homes in the UK and Barbados.
john, milton keynes,
When love goes wrong, nothing goes right!
Thank you for an excellent article and your courage to share.
kelebek, Berlin, Germany
Humility, kindness,empathy and respect these are vital ingredients for a happy relationship.
Living the dream is just that and remember that material goods are of no consequence. What is in your heart is important. Forget what marketing tells you, the simple things are what will make you happy.
John, Kent,
Yeah, and guess what. The poor husband has to pay a fortune for the rest of his life for the mistake of that pathetic woman. And will rarely see his kids I might add...
Karl, London, UK
I think you wanted to believe it was right, because you could see that for someone else it would be perfect. You married a good friend and hoped they could be your husband, and you could love them like they loved you.
It is so hard to do anything in this event; I admire you & feel for you both.
Marie, Dumfries, United Kingdom
What an amazingly selfish woman! Shame on her! I am really disgusted with her behaviour! I read quite a lot but I will make sure that I will never ever read any of her books!
Ilias, London, UK
The article illustrates how the pervasive attitudes of modern feminism have encouraged women to seek self-serving `liberation` at the expense of men and family.
Women recognise that even into their 40s, they can `play the field` and bounce from one `love` to the next.
Girl power, indeed.
Xander Harris, Durham, UK
Bad example of a wife, mother, daughter,sister and friend. This has given her a good excuse to sell her books. Don't buy it if you feel so strongly about the way she is.
terry, nairobi,
The writer does use the word "I" 96 times in a 1,473 word article which may or may not be a record but it does tend to suggest that she is more than just a little self absorbed.
It can't have been must fun for her husband being married to a women as self obsessed as she appears to be.
McMath, Glasgow, UK
Just because she doesnt say why she couldnt love him, just hints at the `lack of kindness`, doesnt mean that this man she married, did anything to win her love or make her happy.
She made mistakes are unfortunate not malicious. Self awareness is hard won.
k, Tokyo, Japan
I hit 30 with no fear of "shelf life", but as 40 is nearly here, and I'm still single...that fear is starting to emerge. My problem? I'm a romantic and believe in true love and soul mates. Mr "Will Do" won't do for me. Jane's problem? The grass is always greener syndrome...and pure "me! me! me!"
Julia Hobbs, Co.Wicklow, Republic of Ireland
This woman has "found herself" at the expense of her husband and children. How self-centred and lacking in the kindness she advocates can she be? This article makes me feel sick.
Sarah, Phuket, Thailand
I consider myself incredibly fortunate to live in a world where there are so many non-judgmental, perfect people, who never made a mistake or the wrong decision, who have raised the most well-adjusted children on the planet, and who have never hurt anyone else - even by accident. Do keep it up.
Julia, Nottingham,
Give this woman a break. Life isn't easy or simple. Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes "making the best out of them" isn't the best or only option. She found love in the end - perhaps that's what makes some commentators jealous and bitter, because they feel she doesn't "deserve" it.
Tom, Yiwu, China
I don't normally read this sort of article (too touchy-feely for a bloke) but it struck a few cords! Lots of parallels except the last bit, at 47 I'm still searching for that someone - one day! Well done, you got there & as long as your happy, who cares what anyone says or thinks. Good Luck!
Vaughan, Leicester, England
Marcus,
You might want to look Jane Green up on Amazon. I think you'll find she's a very successful novelist - and quite possibly earns far more than her CIty-based ex-husband. And isn't the question instead: why would any sane person consider marrying someone as sexist as you?
Claire, Nottingham, UK
Surely this article should be called:
' My poor husband married Mrs Wrong'
No?
Martin Lynch, Coventry, UK
And we wonder over the collapse of society. Alas this woman is not an isolated case, and we now have thousands of children who are denied the constant love of a father, and fathers who have had their faith in women shattered.
Pete, St Albans, England
Another harpy who leaves a path of destruction because she didn't get the perfect life she wants. Sadly, we have the same situation in the US - people who get married for the sake of getting married, with women usually as the driving force. Too many women have the princess-entitlement complex.
James, Alexandria, USA
what an incredibly selfish, self absorbed, horrid woman. she knew what she was doing the whole time. this man's life is ruined forever. and her children?... awful woman!
j, london,
seems like this woman has been thinking way too much. Too much time on her (rich) hands perhaps? maybe the defining reason for all this over the top analyzing...
Gary, Sussex,
And Harriet, I would really like to see you successfully survive an unhappy marriage, consistently maintaining the facade that everything's hunkydory for your children so well that they never saw the cracks. I'd carve you an Oscar myself. It really isn't as black and white as you clearly think.
Nick, London,
I'm curious as to where the children fit in ... So little mention of how they felt though it is significant that they followed mum. Or should it be? We are not told. Hope things worked out for them.
Rabia, KL, Malaysia
Perhaps what is wrong with the world is not the wife or husband. Its the drivel fed to us as kids. The World of Disney as I call it where everyone meets the perfect one and lives happily ever after. UNREALISTIC!. I think we owe it to our kids to ensure they understand life is simply not like that
Jason Pearson, Toronto, Canada
I think anyone whose ever been in a relationship would agree,no one and nothing is perfect.In life you always have to make sacrifices. I doubt she will ever be really happy b'cos she doesn't understand co-existence.When you then in a couple of years fall out of love with this new man what next?
Anthony, London, England
“It is passion, admiration and respect,” he told her. “If you have two, you have enough.She argues that her marriage failed because of a lack of passion.However, she later admits that during her marriage there was "not much kindness or respect".Her premise is therefore wrong;she only had 1 of the 3.
Donna, Northamptonshire,
To all the women who complain about the comments made by men here - our times have "damaged" the male vision of women - this tale is a sad modern classic about the girl who found herself only by trampling over everything her ex-husband could have held dear in life !
UNACCEPTABLE LACK OF RESPECT
Julian, London,
Straight away the title gives cause for concern. Marrying Mr Wrong implies that in someway this is the mans fault. The complete selfishness that is seen in todays women is a product of the emancipation of women when quite clearly they are not of a required intelligence to cope with such freedoms.
Pete, St Albans, England
Except that chasing mom's elusive dream of happiness is not making an effort (for Nick, London). Kids need stability, not to be uprooted at every whim of their parent's silly quest for gratification. Has she really found it now?
Harriet, Northampton, IL, USA
Notwithstanding is she was right or wrong to leave her husband; it is clear to me that respect, empathy and kindness are the cornerstone of a good marriage. Admiration and passion are, sadly, temporary.
carlo, Venice,
I was making two separate comments - the 'religious lobby' part was aimed at those criticising the woman for not being grateful to God for her blessings. When a couple separates, it's generally because staying together would require more than 'an effort' and would ultimately harm the children more.
Nick, London,
Your are right - passion, respect, kindness and admiration may be the meaning of love. But love, my darling, doesn't always pay the bills - especially not for four children.
Emma
emma levy, cape town, south africa
"and slowly I began to heal"
Unbelievable!!!! Spare a thought for the ex husband is no doubt in the gutter somewhere trying to pick up the pieces of your long term dishonesty. Does he even get to see his children anymore?
Alex, Bristol,
I cannot stand most of the male remarks! They make out that women are predators out for a rich man! Any selfrespected woman will want to have a man for love as we women can all look after ourselves in this modern world!
Merlijn, Amsterdam, Netherlands
Danny Collins - Surrey
So true!
Alex, Bristol,
Nick, London should get with it. Staying in a marriage for the kids is NOT a comment from a "religious lobby" -- I'm a lib democrat. This way of thinking is outmoded and speaks to the contradictions here. The new gen of feminists will do a lot for their kids; making an effort is a small sacrific.
Harriet, Northampton, IL, USA
For all those saying it takes two to fail a marriage, is that entirely fair when both dont enter the relationship in an honest way. Yes relationships fail but usually after they were entered with the best intentions from both sides. She knew from the start she wasn't happy yet she strung him along
Patricia, London, England
Predictable that some men use these stories to justify their dislike of marriage...probably the same men who play at being 'wary of women' til they're in their 40/50's and then hope to find a young innocent to sign a pre-nup before marrying them as a future carer rather than for love?
Sharon, London, UK
More like marrying Mrs Wrong! Grim fairy tale about a woman who ruined lives to improve her own. I bet's she living nicely off the divorce money. He will pay for her mistake the rest of his life, financially & emotionally. I'm not gender biased either, it would be crummy either way.
Danny Collins, Surrey, England
It takes two to tango. If the marriage didn't work out I think it is fair to say that the man was partly to blame too. Often the way with weekend fathers, the mother finds she can live without him at the weekend as well. It's not rocket science.
Jennifer, Göteborg,
This narrative speaks of a failing marriage, of the emotion or lack thereof which led to it. Yet comments focus on "take", something I've not read in this simple emotive narrative which gives no excuses, simply what was felt and the results. Relationships are not simple or easy there are 2 people.
liz, Australia,
As a woman in her late 20's it is an increasing struggle to deny the 'shelf-life' myth. I've just left a relationship with a wonderful man who 'ticks all the boxes', who I could see myself marrying an having children with. Problem was, the 'hook' or 'passion wasn't there and - simply - I'm not ready
Charlotte, London,
Most guys here made comments about how selfish and manipulative she was. It takes two to fail a marriage, he should have never married her to begin with, he too was ticking the boxes. Claiming that she deceived him and he knew nothing about it is just plain naive. The only tragedy are the kids.
Henry, Oxford,
I assume that after the marriage broke up Jane returned all of her husband's money that she had spent over the years and now supports herself and the children without his financial assistance. Why would any sane man ever consider marriage after reading this?
Marcus, London,
I was married to a woman just like this. I have since remarried to a wonderful Chinese lady who has a completely different attitude. There are far too many western women with this attitude of take, take, take. Marriage is about respect and love, the willingness to put each other first, not me, me.
Happy at last, England,
It's sad,but the world is full of women like this.They are takers,they do not give or share.Everything belongs to them,or so they think.
ron, toronto,
No one said you HAVE to get married by the time you're 30. If you haven't founf the right person then don't do it! And how incredibly selfish to have four children just to make yourself feel there was some justification in getting married. No wonder so many men are suspicious of women's motives.
JW, London, UK
I find it difficult women who play ugly and promiscuous in their teens and twenties and when time comes close their 'sell by date' think of men as a product, a check list, something to 'accept' not to marry out of 'love.' Do women who wed late ever marry the man they love, or did he get away?
Sara Cen, London,
Staying together for the children (Harriet, Northampton) is the most horrendously outdated and misguided idea: do you honestly believe that a strained family environment is better than having separated parents? And could the religious lobby keep their fatalistic nonsense to themselves please.
Nick, London,
That woman's selfishness is breath-taking, but no different from the majority of Western women. I married a wonderful, intelligent, warm Russian woman, who is NOT subservient, but a true soul-mate. Western women demand respect, but dont deserve it, Russian women deserve respect, but don't demand it!
P Beck, London, England
This reads as just a vain and selfish statement justisfying your initial bad decision. You can count in criteria of 2s and 3s all you like to describe your perfect love, still the glaring truth alludes you - that love is not a basis for marriage and you were not built for the later!
Ishor, London, uk
This Lady has made all her own decisions without considering others and then found that life is not perfect. She is incredibly egotistical and believes that everyone else is a bit player in her life, and there to serve her ends. Then she has to write a book to justify it all. See doctor - depressive
John Butcher, London, UK
Did this dame ever communicate this lack of passion to her husband? That's what a 'life-partner' is for right? You help them and they help you to solve each others issues even when the 'issue' is the partner itself. Wonder what the other side of this story is. Anyways, wishing happiness to all..
Rao, Bangalore, India
Sometimes people give up ambitions to be writers or musicians and end up as bankers just so that they can create the kind of security necessary to have a family. There seems little regard in this article for the possible sacrifices on the man's side whether emotional or career-wise.
George, Berlin, Germany
I believe it was not just the lack of "passion" in her marriage that kept a constant void in her heart; but her refusal to acknowledge or count the blessings that God had dealt on her. Four children down the line, a cat, a dog, and a doting financially stable husband were not enough to satisfy her.
Innocent Mwangi, Nairobi, Kenya
I do wonder how this woman explained her actions to her four young children, deliberately brought into the world as a distraction for her? Did she not find passion in loving four children? They are now deprived of their father, because their mother was bored. Her selfishness is breathtaking.
Narguesse Stevens, Montaigu-de-Quercy, France
I'm 29 & single (a boyfriend is the only missing link in my otherwise perfect life), I would one day like to become a mother. I do not want to settle for Mr Wrong or Mr Will Do. I need to feel the passion & also tick that checklist. It would not be fair to deny him or I the chance to find true love.
Uzma, London, UK
She is spoiled, but I believe her point is to instruct others before they make the same mistakes. Point taken. It's never wise to marry someone you neither love nor are in love with. She should have stayed married for the children's sake and worked on putting passion in her marriage.
Harriet, Northampton, IL, USA
It isn't all women who think she behaved appallingly to the man, I completely agree with John J. Kavanagh. Did she for one second consider how cruel it is to do this to someone who 'adored' her. What is he left with now? Yes it's an unfortunate situation but she knew from the get go. I feel for him
Trish, Salisbury, England
This reminds me of something left by George Bernard Shaw:
"Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get. "
Growth and the search for ones true self often result from missteps and pain.
Truth is often harsh, but it will not settle.
Katherine, Central Virginia, USA
The author mentions a "sell-by" date on herself, and being "left on the shelf". When is society going to stop teaching women to act like supermarket products for men to buy, and start treating women like human beings who have minds of their own?
Nathan, Tokyo,
While some people have been critical, I am glad I read this because it has posed alot of important points that I think I need to consider before I take the next step.
Amy, Stourport,
We all make mistakes, or are they, are they not the learning curves of life that drive us forward to grow, mature and become a productive person. Its not about critising the way this women has grown and learned and moved into different phases of her life it s about sharing experience to gain insight
Tamara Cruddas, Melbourne , Australia
"I didn’t think, at the time, I deserved passion..." Thinking you "deserve" something a the source of great misery. Instead live faithfully, with God's help, within the choices you have made. There is true contentment. Love is not a right.
Kathryn , Sydney, Australia
This betrays a really shallow heart to me.
Bella, Manchester, UK
Goodness me, has she just read my life??
Virginia, Brisbane, Australia
And the four small children deliberately brought into a marriage that was failing, to prop up her pipe dream of what it 'should' be like - only to be whisked into the confusion and upset of the inevitable separation? I don't think it gets much more selfish than that.
Sara, London,
Increasingly women's expectations are getting higher and higher; they always want more.
As a result, more and more men have just given up trying. And are all the more happier for it.
Howard, Manchester,
I'm stunned at the naked bitterness expressed by certain men who seem to take pleasure in writing something derogatory about women. Will it always be this way? Not all women are crafty, manipulative gold diggers. I'm 35, my fiance is a soldier (= not rich) and I'm the one with a mortgage-free house.
Lauren, London, UK
... and in all the bickering here about whether husband or wife is in the right or wrong, and in the article itself, no mention of the effect on the children who have had their family, home and lifestyle irrevocably changed because these 'grown ups' wanted to follow their hearts ...
Margot, London, UK
The problem for women is that their Mr Right is gay.
Charlie, Salisbury, England
Good grief! What century is this marriage suppose to have taken place in? It sounds like a Margaret Lawrence novel. How many of us are struggling just to put food on the table, or if we are lucky help put our kids through school and this heroine is griping about a passionless marriage!
Jennifer La Chapelle, Everett, Canada
Katie has a good point. It is rather sad to note that most of the critical comments come from men. It is, also, sad to note that this article is little more than publicity for a book. However, don't blame the patient for catching the disease. The writer is a victim of the society in which we live.
Marc, Paris, France
You are so right about the need for kindness. An older friend once told me that the secret of a successful marriage is "unfailing courtesy" - and that advice has helped me to bite my tongue on many an occasion, and to apologise if ever I do say something mean.
Helene, Strasbourg, France
In reply to gmac in Kassel. Marriage is perfect financial protection in Germany because of large tax breaks enjoyed by married couples. None of which are available in the UK - a good thing I believe, as lots of couples here in Germany feel the need to marry mainly due to the associated tax break.
DM, Hannover, Germany
Marriage provides the legal and financial platform for a woman to be kept in the manner to which she aspires. Marriage provides the financial and domestic stability for a woman to raise children.
gmac, Kassel, Germany
There but for the Grace of God... I nearly got married in very similar circumstances but was lucky enough to have the support to call everything off.
It is a shame that this lady did not have confidence enough in her own judgment to walk away and placed too much confidence in perception of others.
Nadia, Hamilton, Bermuda
In the Arab world, women are made to feel that they have a "sell by" date. One shouldn't give in to societal pressures & compromise. This is an everyday battle for young Arab women. Its not fair to go into a "marriage of convenience". Neither for you or for your partner. Life is simply too short.
Alia, Amman,
All of the male responses sounds as if they've come from Fathers for Justice. Give it a rest.
frances, southampton,
What an incredibly selfish person. There is not a word about the pain and suffering given to the husband, no mention of the fact that he obviously pandered to her every whim - moving to the country, providing the dream existence she imagined for herself.
G.Barrett, Penn, USA
I admire anyone with the moral courage to confront their mistakes.
As for these bizarre 'mememe' comments - someone who knows themselves and takes charge of their own happiness is a wiser and better human being for it.
Hoping the detractors find their heaven too one day :)
Amanda, Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk
I bet that in retrospect her ex-husband realizes he did not get a wife who loved him either. Just a narcissistic, self-centered manipulator who got what she wanted and left, taking a pile of money with her, leaving the kids without their father.
I failed to be moved by her all-abot-me plaints.
John J. Kavanagh, Mercer Island, USA
This poor woman needs to get out more.
Kate, London,
As I began to read this article, I started to warm to this young lady but alas, when I read about the reception at Claridges and the other trappings of uppermiddle life, I started to feel very little sympathy for a woman that appears to put material desire over passion and humility.
Lindsey SA, St Albans,
What I find increasingly depressing about reading the comments attached to articles in which women tell their (sometimes unpalatable) truths is how intensely bitter and resentful the men that comment are. It really saddens me that there is a generation of men that are so bewildered,lost and angry.
Katie , London,
What a great article!
I wonder when this spoilt little brat is going to tire of her new love - and find an excuse to write yet another pointless book?
Sue, London,
I can't bear women like this - completely self absorbed. If she spent more time thinking about the real problems in the world and counting her blessings she might be happier. How long before she decides she needs more in this relationship because she's 'entitled to it'.
Linda, Cardiff,
But that's enough about me.
Now, what about you.... what do you think of me?
Jane, London,
I think you are all far too judgemental! You haven't taken the time to understand emotionally what this woman had to go through. I am a 30 yr old woman, who is about to get married, for almost the same reason's as Jane, and trust me...it's NOT easy. It's a cobweb of social and emotional pressure.
Dana, Dubai, UAE
As I keep saying, it's women like this that make life hard for women like me - women who actually have principles and treat others with consideration and respect.
Shame on you.
Tina, Dusseldorf, Germany
So all about HER...hardly a word of compassion or concern for her former husband. She used him and dumped him with no apparent care for how the wreck of his life mattered. How sad, and how depressing.
Jim McLaughlin, Calgary, Canada
Isn't marrying someone because you're reaching your own 'sell-by date' as you put it, basically just using them? Your ex-husband could have gone on to find someone who truly loved him. Which might have meant she wouldn't have left him and taken his children from him.
David Space, London, UK
This is a great article, it is very rare that I hear adults tell the truth about their marriages.
I really hope in my situation, that I can find someone I love.
Thank you it was an excellent read and I'm glad your now happy.
Lisa Alexandra Williams, Melbourne, Australia
I pity that poor man you fooled into giving you kids and money before your ovaries shrivelled up. It is a well documented fact that women want a rich man to support their kids and 'bad boys' as actual lovers so all normal men should beware women approaching or in her 30s for this reason.
chris, Melbourne, Australia
Forgive the insinuations, but it sounds like you had a life built and paid for by a man that you left once you had what you wanted from him. Perhaps you were unwilling and unable to reach inside yourself to find the passion with your husband.
jonathan, Brookline , usa