When God was handing out vices, he cast his eye on Tony Player and thought: “F*** it. I'll give him all of them.” Over time I would discover that he was a lovely man but he hid it well. After I became Banque Inutile's analyst for the UK water sector, I chatted with Tony regularly. Our banter led to me forming one of the few City friendships that meant anything to me.

He gave me important lessons about office politics that were aimed at surviving downturns and maximising bonuses. “Listen, these f***ers will pay you as little as they can get away with. They show you no loyalty and you shouldn't show them none neither. Keep 'em on their toes by subtly making sure they know you'll leave for more pay at the drop of a hat. And never appear satisfied no matter how big your bonus is.”

This last pearl of wisdom is central to any City career and was propitious because it was coming up to January 1998 when bonus day, or “B day”, as it was referred to, occurred at Banque Inutile.

B Day is always a highly amusing affair that requires the acting skills of De Niro. No one gets any work done and there is an air of nervous excitement. Since bonuses for analysts can range from zero to ten times your salary or more (ie, well over a million pounds), the stakes are high.

On B Day the best vibe to give out is one of nonchalant calm. You must not appear too relaxed or everyone may assume that you have a guaranteed bonus and that can cause resentment. Over my City career I managed to ensure that half my bonuses were guaranteed through either moving to another bank and demanding one or two as part of my package, or threatening to move and requiring a guaranteed bonus to ensure that I stay.

However, I would point out to any aspiring Cityboy (God help you) that if you do ever receive a promise of a guaranteed minimum bonus, do not expect your boss to give you more than the minimum.

The second acting requirement is that of disappointment bordering on psychotic rage when it's your turn to receive “the letter” from your boss. No matter what figure your boss mentions you should act as if he has just asked you to rub your genitals with a cheese grater for the next four hours. Any indication that you believe your bonus is satisfactory will be interpreted to mean that you're delirious with joy, which will be noted, ensuring that next year's bonus is not increased.

I failed to follow Tony's advice in 1998 when David gave me a £14,000 bonus and increased my salary to £30,000. I went to the bathroom and punched the air with glee. My remuneration for my first year in the City almost matched that of my father who had been a successful public servant. Little did I know that I would view £14,000 as small change and go on to receive bonuses 50 times that amount.

The third element of acting on B day is that which you must exhibit as you leave the room. As you walk back to your desk, you must reveal no emotion. Showing anger will suggest that you have been shafted. This could result in snide comments which may reach the ears of other banks and headhunters and suggest you are not the appreciated big swinging **** you pretend to be. An overt expression of joy will merely irritate those around you and contradict the act you gave your boss.

The final acting required for colleagues is that which you display when in the bar for after-work drinks. There is a rule in the City that the size of bonuses is never discussed since it can be a source of divisive resentment. The correct demeanour is one of understated smugness. I tended to buy a few bottles of champers while pretending to be mildly annoyed. I did not want senior colleagues to feel I was satisfied while also wishing my peers to know that things weren't too bad. This seemingly contradictory façade became second nature to me after a few years.

©Geraint Anderson
Cityboy: Beer and Loathing in the Square Mile is published by Headline Publishing on June 26 at £17.99. It is available from Times BooksFirst for £16.19, free p&p. 0870 1608080, timesonline.co.uk/booksfirst

To see all Geraint Anderson's columns, log on to: thelondonpaper.com/cityboy

Author's note

While this book is true in the sense of being an accurate depiction of a certain kind of career in the City, none of the characters or institutions portrayed is in any way based on real people or banks and any similarity is purely coincidental. Just as “Steve Jones” is not me, so the characters in the book are made up - they are not any particular person, but are instead classic City types, and are, hopefully, recognisable as such. Although real people and places are referred to, they are intermingled with the fictional people and events. My target has never been any specific individual or institution, but the culture of the City as a whole.
GERAINT ANDERSON

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