When colleagues ask, “Did you have a good holiday?” you may feel like smashing
the watercooler over their heads. There are two likely reasons. The first is
that you had a really good break and the contrast with work creates a
dreadful sense of being trapped or empty. You have returned from a few weeks
away feeling as alive as you were in childhood or as a student; you have
recovered the sense that Being is itself enough. Hardly surprising that
returning to work is a shock.
The second reason might be that the holiday did not live up to expectations.
You forked out a fortune to schlep through airports halfway across the
planet, yet it was worse than your normal life, a terrible disappointment.
In this scenario, your identity is so vested in work that you struggle
without e-mail, phone calls and meetings that tell you who you are and what
you are for. What's more, as Alain De Botton points out in The Art of
Travel, you have brought yourself and your relationships with you.
Whichever of the two causes of post-hols blues, the way to keep a healthy
state of mind is simple: realise how lucky you are to have the job, home and
relationships that you do. At least you are not one of the starving,
desperate people only a stone's throw from your Third World holiday corral.
Shift from meeting bogus wants, generated in you by politicians,
advertisers, teachers and parents. In their place insert real needs, such as
a sense of security and intimacy, and feeling effective and authentic.
A simple illustration is your pattern of consumption. In a credit crunch, as
money gets tighter, it should be easier to make the connection between
spending and working. Whether it be the small things, such as a new pair of
shoes or an updated mobile phone, or the big stuff, such as cars and houses,
every time you make a purchase ask yourself: “Do I need this, or do I just
want it?” Once you start doing that, you quickly realise that you are
spending vastly more than you need to. It is only a short mental hop from
there to realising that the more you spend, the longer hours you must work
and the more tired and empty you will feel.
Mindless consumption interferes with meeting real needs. It makes you insecure
because you are more desperate to succeed at work, because you need more
money. Overwork interferes with intimacy because you are too tired and
stressed to relate properly. You constantly feel you are failing and
ineffective because there is always another glittering prize. And you have
to spend more time acting out false roles (inauthenticity) to succeed at
work.
If you cut down on Having, you can concentrate on Being, that delightful state
of grace you may have achieved by the end of your holiday. You start to
evaluate your goals and motivations in terms of whether they will bring
intrinsic satisfaction, rather than the external rewards you are used to
chasing.
The purest illustration is children's play. Observe the sheer absorption of a
four-year-old painting a picture or organising dolls in a fantasy game.
However alienated you may feel, just try spending half an hour playing with
a small child, joining in with their fantasies, and you will quickly see
what I mean.
In place of the workaholism and “affluenza” that plagues the English-speaking
world - and partly explains why we are twice as likely to suffer mental
illness as mainland Western Europeans are - you will reinstate things that
really mean something to you, not your employer or our consumption-obsessed
culture. Apart from spending more time with family and friends, this may
include more time rediscovering favourite hobbies that may date back to
childhood - from sports, to stamp collecting, to trainspotting, it really
does not matter what.
Pursuit of the intrinsic - of needs not wants, of being rather than having -
leads to some simple mantras. If you are a woman, you should pursue an
internally defined notion of beauty, not seek to be attractive. When you
look in the mirror, aim to satisfy the aesthetics of the person you are
looking at and not, as is the case for most women, to make other women
envious or men desire you. If you are a parent, try enjoying motherhood and
fatherhood, rather than cursing it; you are most likely to achieve that by
trying to meet your children's needs, rather than treating them like little
adults or beasts in the nursery requiring civilisation through naughty steps
and supernannying.
Reject our society's obsession with exam results and try to educate your
children by fascinating them with stuff that already interests them, rather
than brainwashing them. The main goal of the present system is to create
good little producer-consumers, but you will make yourself, as well as your
children, miserable if you do not resist this trend. Surprisingly enough,
you will find it really is possible for them to get good exam results and at
the same time to learn how to learn, to develop the curiosity that
scholarship feeds.
Most fundamentally, be authentic (a concern with fundamental truth) rather
than sincere (like Americans and Tony Blair, who believe it's enough to feel
something intensely). Be playful rather than indulge in the game-playing
that is increasingly required of us at school and then at the office. And
finally, be vivacious (alive, not living and partly living) rather than the
hyperactivity daily illustrated by TV presenters and over-anxious
high-achievers.
If you were lucky enough to get into the Zone on holiday, to have flowed and
lived richly for a few days, there is no earthly reason why you should not
do so now. For all the pressures in our world, the bottom line is that most
of us have a material affluence that can only be dreamt of by two thirds of
people on this planet.
Time to start enjoying it.
Oliver James's book Affluenza elaborates on these ideas. His latest
publication is Contented Dementia - 24-Hour Wraparound Care for Lifelong
Well-Being: oliver-james-books.com
Top 10 mind tips
When we go on holiday we have our senses stimulated in new ways. New sights,
smells and tastes take us away from our normal life and that's why we
recharge when we're away. When you're back, one thing I recommend and
personally use is to lie back, close your eyes and visualise yourself in
your holiday location. Remember the sound of the surf or the taste of those
tropical fruits. You might even bring back some of the local food and cook
it at home. It puts you back in that positive place.
Dr Pam Spurr, relationship expert and Times columnist
Memories triggered by smell are emotionally laden, so it's great to take a
scent you associate with a good time and introduce it into the day-to-day.
If you used a new coconut suntan oil during a holiday filled with
relaxation, laughter, and amazing hotel sex with your partner, whipping it
out back at home can not only help to transport you back to that time and
place, but also put you in the same positive mindframe. Use it as pre-sex
massage oil and feel extra invigorated!
Em & Lo, authors of the manual Sex: How to Do Everything and presenters
of a Five TV show later this year
If you really want to hold on to the changes you promised yourself on holiday,
I suggest you Remember your Ps and Qs:
Remind: choose a key word to encourage you, and stick Post-It notes on
your mirrors and wardrobes.
Persist: it takes three weeks to break an old habit, and at least three
more to establish a new one. Don't expect real change for at least six weeks.
Quantify: find a way to measure your change, so you can be aware of
progress. For example, don't plan just to lose weight: resolve to lose five
kilos.
Linda Blair, clinical psychologist
On holiday you have a chance to reflect, and often come up with ideas and
projects. You think you'll do it, but you come back and forget about it.
Before you leave, or on the plane home, formulate in your mind what the
project is going to be. It could be something small, such as taking up an
instrument or sport, or something more life changing. Do it straight away.
Put messages in your diary to remind yourself. It helps to relieve the
boredom of the return to your normal life, because it is based on the
holiday and reminds you of something special you've experienced.
Frank Furedi, Professor of Sociology at University of Kent, and author of
Therapy Culture, Paranoid Parenting and Culture of Fear
One of the best ways to remain appreciative of life and all its pleasures is
to dwell continuously on its opposite, death. Therefore, a useful exercise
is to focus the mind every day, preferably just after waking up, on the
possibility of imminent death. Particular focus can be achieved by looking
at blown-up images of viruses and bacteria that commonly circulate in the
air and thrive in our public spaces. A few of these are rapid killers and
the random chance that one might encounter one in the day ahead should lend
a particular clarity to one's quotidian toil. Not least, these germs have a
habit of looking beautiful and haunting when seen under an electron
microscope.
Alain de Botton, philosopher
A holiday can be a spiritual experience as it enriches us in so many ways, and
this can be maintained once home, by allowing ourselves to be mindful of the
feelings and experiences we had through an object brought back with you. A
simple and wonderful way to do this is through meditation or psychometry
(gaining information psychically through an object). Choose an object, such
as a stone from the beach a leaf from a wood, or a meaningful object that
you bought. Sit quietly holding the object, and allow the memories,
feelings, images and sensations to come alive in your mind reconnecting you
spiritually with your holiday experience.
Simon Bacon is a psychic medium and teaches at the College of Psychic
Studies in London
To recapture that holiday feeling, think back to the best times you had on
holiday and what made them so important for you - what was the value there?
For example, you may have enjoyed exploring a new city (it gave you a sense
of adventure/freedom), you may be missing lying by the pool reading (you got
me-time/being engrossed) or you may have wanted to walk for ever along the
cliffs (you felt energised/a part of nature). Let's say you're missing
freedom: where could you find that same feeling of freedom now? Through
running? By going to the cinema? By visiting a new area near you every
weekend? Once you've found that value you discovered on holiday, see how you
can incorporate it into your regular life.
Nina Grunfeld, life coach and founder of Life
Clubs
It's been imprinted in us to think of the summer as the end of one chapter and
September as the beginning of another, and that's difficult to change. But
it's a good thing - if we all floated around in that relaxed holiday state
all the time, first, we would be less productive, and second, we wouldn't
enjoy the holiday so much because there wouldn't be a contrast.
Dr Tanya Byron, clinical psychologist and Times columnist
I've got a digital photo frame and I put all my holiday photos in there so
they keep flashing up and I'm always reminded of what I did. When you feel a
bit low, you can have a look at yourself lying half naked on a beach in
Thailand. It will make you feel either great, or even more depressed.
Gina Yashere, comedian
Feeling blue when you return from holiday is a sure sign that your internal
life is out of balance. As a philosopher once said, a wise man deals with
what causes him pain. If you're doing your job just for the money, you
should leave it tomorrow. Go to bed every night thinking about the most
beautiful thing you saw that day. Understand that pleasure is quite
different from joy. We have been programmed through society that pleasure
can solve our problems. Pleasure is a hit, while joy is a state of being.
Peter Owen-Jones, vicar, writer and broadcaster
