Get this for a weird coincidence. In 2005, at exactly this time of year, newspapers reported a survey revealing that four in five British businesses were cancelling their office Christmas parties. Fast forward to the same period 2008 and you’ll never guess what’s in the papers: another survey revealing that – yes – four in five British businesses are cutting back and cancelling their office Christmas parties. Freaky, huh?

So, given that half of us are about to get the sack anyway, this means that, come December, there’ll be a total of 12 civil servants in reindeer antlers dancing around a party can of Kestrel.

Obviously, the reason given for party pooperage this year is the recession. In 2005, it was some other excuse, erm, reason. Yes, here it is: “Employers feared being hit with sexual harassment tribunals resulting from lewd behaviour.” A sift through the cuttings yields that last year some companies cancelled parties citing “concern over binge drinking”. In other years some have blamed anything from health and safety to offending Muslims.

Mmm. Could the truth be – and I’m thinking right outside the box here – that many employers just don’t like paying for Christmas parties? And so that they don’t have to open their piggy banks, they come up with pretexts as flimsy as an X Factor sob story?

I know: it’s sad to be cynical in this of all seasons. But it’s a conversation I think we really should have. Because you know what, employers? Most of your staff don’t want the parties either. They dread them with every fibre of their shiny-suited beings: the copping-off which results in career suicide; the agony over how much cleavage to show; the fear that the big boss might come and talk to them, or wanting to kill themselves when he doesn’t; getting drawn into competitive under-drinking where people pretend to be knocking it back but are really chucking it in the plant pots because they want it to be you, not them, who emerges next morning as the prize idiot. It’s all just so tiring.

Let’s be honest: if you want to reward your workers, there are better and cheaper ways of doing it. Such as making it a disciplinary offence to eat a sandwich at your desk and introducing a new motto: “Lunch is for Winners”; never again organising a paintball “team bonding” away day; dismissing anyone who suggests a group hug; banning male employees from placing one leg on the desk, meaning others have to converse with a splayed crotch; humiliating sycophants by shouting, “You brought me cake again? What am I – your gran?” Trust me. These suggestions would improve the lives of your staff far more than a shuffle round a dancefloor to Mambo No. 5.

Now if anyone wants me for consultancy work, my boss seems to think that soon I’m going to be pretty available.

bargainhunter@thetimes.co.uk

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