Strange, isn’t it, this bit between Christmas and New Year? People sit around in a limbo land of fatigue and flatulence; their festive decorations already look like desperate old tarts, and they have gas-fire cheeks from watching too many repeats of Only Fools and Horses.

Well, here’s something that’ll cheer you up. Let’s start planning Christmas 2009! Oh, why the sour face? Lots of people have it all boxed off already by now and some aren’t even mentally ill.

Let’s see. Bookings are already being taken for festive Pontin’s breaks next December. Isn’t that wonderful? Prices start at £124 per apartment, and you’re assured that, “The party never ends, with tinsel, balloons, party games and laughter, and a fantastic festive dinner with turkey and all the trimmings.” But hurry! You must book by February ’09 or prices will go up.

What do you mean, you’d rather deep-fat fry your own hair? All right, what about this offer: Christmas ’09 in Kissimmee, Florida, at a Best Western Hotel, from £569? No? Well, how about taking over an entire pub in Cumbria for £1,500? Apparently, it will be “a truly unique Christmas present for your friends and family”.

Yes, I know. It’s sick, isn’t it? The very idea of thinking about next Christmas when this year’s sprouts are still passing through the digestive system not only tempts fate but is grotesque. Yet plenty do. Which is why, as we speak, there are people out buying reduced wrapping paper, slightly damaged cards, cut-price shirt-and-tie sets, just so that they can say smugly, around next August, “Oh. We’ve had Christmas done and dusted since last December.”

You could waste energy fantasising about beating such people to a pulpy mass, but why bother? Probably best just to accept that Christmas now lasts for the best part of 12 months. January, of course, is taken up with sales and saying how glad we are that Christmas is all over. By late February, the council might just have started taking down the dismal festive decorations. There’s a brief hiatus in March/April when we stuff our faces with Easter eggs rather than selection boxes, but we’re back on course by May when we’re selling unwanted Christmas gifts at car-boot sales. By June/July, at least one relative will have said, “What are we doing for Christmas this year?” and by August, the children are asking, “How long is it till Christmas?” In September, the TV adverts for festive toys start; by October, glossy magazines are promising to “get you in shape for the party season”. On November 1, all shops start playing Christmas songs, your neighbour brings out his inflatable Santa again, and December is a constant loop of people saying, “All set for Christmas?”

So really, look on this as just the start of next Christmas. What are your plans, by the way?

bargainhunter@thetimes.co.uk

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