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Oymyakon, Siberia, Russia, population 800ish, is very possibly the coldest settlement on Earth. The Oymyakonish are a lot like the British, in a way. When it gets too cold, they close the schools. Too cold in Oymyakon means minus 52C. “Today, it's lovely,” the local schoolteacher told a shivering Sky News reporter a couple of years ago. “My kids will play outside. Until it gets to minus 40C, it's fine.”
You can watch that interview on YouTube. If you're still shivering, still feeling hard done by, dig it out. They know what cold is, in Oymyakon. It gets colder in Antarctica, true enough, but there aren't many people around to experience it. Yesterday, in Oymyakon it was minus 47C. Or, in local terms, just a day to stay in at playtime.
Isn't it embarrassing, being British in the snow? In London on Monday, it was minus 2C. The Siberians would be sunbathing. They'd be playing beach volleyball. Me, I was trudging through the City with wet shoes, cursing our train operators for apparently building their trains out of substances that snow really buggers up. Such as toilet paper, perhaps. Or even blancmange
Other countries have trains. And snow. What happens there? I telephoned the Swedish answer to Network Rail. “I have read about your problems in the newspaper,” says a spokesman from the press office, “and I had a little laugh.”
It wouldn't happen in Sweden, then?
“Only very rarely. Perhaps we are more prepared. Actually, the most difficult cases happen when it is not too cold. Maybe minus 4C.”
As toasty as that?
“Yes,” says my spokesman. “The snow melts, and then freezes again. It can cause problems on the rails and the overhead lines, I suppose. It is worse in the cities. When there is more than 40cm [16in] of snow, I would say, we can have a problem.” At the time of writing Britain, officially, has had 15cm. That's not a problem in Sweden. It's not even half a problem. And it's not like the Swedes are unusually tough. In Aspen, Colorado last year, they had 30cm of snow overnight. “It's an absolute and utter mess!” wailed one transport official. Then they suspended buses. For half an hour. London's have been out all day. I think I'll be walking home.
Heathrow, that's out, too. But don't they have airports in places that are colder than West London? You betcha. The coldest airport in the world, I'm told, is probably the Chingis Khaan international airport in Ulan Bator, Mongolia. That's a good deal colder than yesterday in London for six months of every year, and it still somehow manages to function. I couldn't tell you whether they had snow yesterday, because they weren't answering their phone. Still, it was minus 17C.
KwaZulu-Natal in South Africa had snow in September and somehow managed not to grind to a halt.
This time last year, Jerusalem was baffled to wake up and find itself with 12cm. Schools closed. Courts closed. People wandered around in bewildered awe. And yet, by lunchtime, even this Middle Eastern city had 100 snow ploughs out on the streets. By the end of the day they were packaging up their snow in trucks and shipping it out to amuse children in the desert.
There must be another country, somewhere in the world, that is even worse at dealing with snow than we are. But where? Where?
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