Sometimes it’s just better to come right out and say you’re sorry. Following this week’s article in the Berlusconi-owned Italian newspaper Il Giornale, detailing the many ways in which Italy has superseded Britain on the world stage, we feel it only fitting to admit defeat. Yes, the new Fiat 500 is great; yes, the England football team has an Italian manager; yes, our Prime Minister can’t hold a tune. Si, si, SI! But when we look hard into our feeble British hearts, we feel that Il Giornale perhaps didn’t go far enough. Because, when we stop to think about it, there are so many other things that the Italians do better than us. And so, recalling the wise words of Robert Ingersoll (an American), who said that the greatest test of courage is to bear defeat without losing heart, we offer a short addendum to Il Giornale’s list...

1. Organised Crime

In this field, we Brits really have so much to learn from our Italian cousins. Sure, we had the Kray twins – but really, what’s a bit of bother and a string of seedy nightclubs compared with the establishment of a worldwide network of crime cartels controlling almost every aspect of daily life – including, thrillingly, the politicians themselves.

2. Corruption

The best that our pathetic politicians can manage is the occasional bathroom accessory. Pah. This is child’s play compared with, for example, the vast swathes of edilizia abusiva that cover the Italian countryside; or the mutually beneficial agreements that take place over coffee in the bars of Rome; or all those mysteriously mislaid earthquake funds. Try making an entire EU relief package disappear into thin air: now that really does require skill.

3. Bottom-pinching

Ah. Here, the Italian male truly puts his British counterpart to shame. Where the average British male will agonise over opening a door for a lady, or hesitate before pouring her wine, the Italian man has no such compunction. He will not only open the door but stay very close to her to ensure that she passes through safely, before guiding her to her seat with a masterly stroke of the lower back, then proceeding to a bottom-pinching finish.

4. Fashion

While we waft around in our inadequate Topshop maxi-dresses, the Italian female is a glittering example of how one can never wear too much gold or, for that matter, quilting. As for the gentlemen, they yield to no one in their pursuit of perfectly pressed jeans, combined with a stylish short-sleeved shirt and a pair of basket-weave slip-ons.

5. Sense of humour

What do we know about comedy? Forget Fawlty Towers and Rising Damp and The Office – these are as nothing compared with the mighty comedic genius of your very own Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi — although the time may come soon when you decide to elect a real Prime Minister. You know, before the joke starts to wear too thin.

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