At first, the world thought that Nicolas Sarkozy had just passed out while jogging. Now — sacre bleu! — we learn that not only was he on a diet (prepared for him by Carla’s fitness instructor) but that this diet included a ban on cheese. A ban on cheese? No Brie? No Camembert? No Roquefort or Reblochon? What sort of cheese-eating surrender monkey is he? Surely, for a Frenchman, this is a fate worse than death. Unless, that is, President Sarkozy is not all that fond of being a Frenchman. We consider the case for the prosecution . . .

1. He jogs No, seriously. This is really bad. Alain Finkielkraut, a renowned French philosopher, recently appeared on the main state television channel and begged the President to stop jogging. “Western civilisation, in its best sense, was born with the promenade,” he said, genuinely vexed. “Walking is a sensitive, spiritual act. Jogging is management of the body.” Sarkozy, he said, should merely stroll, as Rimbaud apparently did. To jog, according to another commentator, is to concentrate on la politique, the dirty business of deals and compromise, as opposed to le politique, its more philosophical counterpart. Plus, he often does it in a NYPD T-shirt, which is patently rude.

2. He styles himself on a US president Last year, Sarkozy changed the French constitution to allow himself to give a “state of the union” address to both houses of Parliament at once. This had not been allowed since 1873, to safeguard parliamentary independence. Other constitutional changes included setting a two-term limit on the presidency, which seems to ring a bell from somewhere, too.

3. And he holidays in New Hampshire Not the Côte d’Azur, not the Dordogne but New Hampshire. In America. When he stayed at a private villa in Wolfeboro in 2007, the French Socialists raised a terrible fuss. “The French people ... have the right to know which generous donor is paying such a price for our president, and to whom he must show his gratitude in one way or another!” seethed one former agriculture minister who was clearly just bitter at having to take the children to Disneyland Paris, again.

4. He’s actually jealous of Britain “We should ask ourselves why the English buy our houses in the Dordogne, in the Périgord and in many other regions,” he said as Interior Minister in 2006. “The answer is simply because the British GDP is 10 per cent greater than the French, and that the standard of life of the British is higher than that of the French.” And not a word about our grim food or scorched red skin. It’s not normal.

5. He thinks it is very important to learn English Sarkozy’s English is admittedly lamentable, as several hilarious YouTube clips will show, if you take the time to hunt them down. But he did take lessons before coming here last year and even suggested, a few years ago, that the French should stop insisting on speaking their own language in international negotiations, but should switch to speaking ours like everybody else.

6. He wants to reduce the separation between Church and State It’s quite boring, this, but terribly important. France is fiercely secular, with none of this Church of England middle ground malarky we have over here. Yet it’s all a terrible mess because the State does fund churches built before 1905 but is powerless to involve itself in other religious buildings (eg, mosques). Meanwhile, when the French pass laws that have an effect on religions, such as banning headscarves in schools (which they did in 2005), they currently have to do so without mentioning those religions at all, which is more than a little silly. Sarko wants an overhaul.

7. He wants to make the French work on Sundays “How are we supposed to explain that we are the only country where shops are closed on Sunday?” he asked during his 2007 election campaign. Since then there has been a long-running fight during which he has drafted one law, had to abandon it and only just squeezed through a second. He’ll be making them work at lunchtime next.

8. He doesn’t drink wine C’est vrai. Most of the time, the French President is teetotal and sticks to fizzy water and orange juice. This has not passed unnoticed by France’s many wine-makers. “How can we trust a president who doesn’t like wine?” wailed a farmer from the Loire when wine sales began to slide in 2007. This year, worse still, an official French government health warning recommended cutting out wine altogether. It’s basically treason.

9. He married an Italian It’s a bit unfair, this one. Carla Bruni was born in Italy but moved to France when she was 7. Plus, Sarko has been married twice before, which is as French as anything.

10. He has denounced “French arrogance” While running for the presidency in 2007, he criticised the Chirac administration for “French arrogance” over the Iraq war. Only a raging Francophobe could consider French arrogance to be a bad thing. You might as well slam the Swiss for being excellent timekeepers or the Brazilians for looking good on beaches.

So there you have it. Sarko, the self-hating Frenchman. Everything on which La France prides herself, this man hates. He has probably never been on strike in his life. Hell, he’ll be using soap and winning wars next. Quelle horreur!

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