Congratulations on reading this far. You’d be forgiven for skipping an article about dying, since most of us are determined to avoid the subject: not the controversial, headline-grabbing assisted dying, but our own mundane, inevitable, everyday deaths. A national survey released today finds that only one in ten of us has broached the subject of where we would like to die, and even fewer have talked about the kind of medical care and pain relief that we want at the end.

Why not? It’s not simply that we find it too depressing. The truth is that in a Western world where youth is valued highly and we are increasingly protected from death, most of us suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. We refuse to face our own mortality, even when we are growing older.

The survey of 1,375 people, conducted by the social research institute NatCen, asked those who had not discussed their end-of-life needs why not? The reason given by 63 per cent was that they felt too young to discuss death, or death felt a long way off. Even at 80 we feel too young to consider the big D.

You could say that’s life-affirming, but the consequences of not discussing death can be very bad, according to Dying Matters, the new campaign aiming to start a national conversation about dying.

“If you haven’t talked about plans, then you’re more likely to have an unhappy or painful death, and that can be horrible for the family left behind,” says Eve Richardson, chief executive of the National Council for Palliative Care, which set up Dying Matters with support from the Government. “It’s much easier for the family if their lasting memory is that they’ve seen someone they love off in the right way.”

Neil Bonsor was only 35 when he died of cancer in March. His father, Tony, 64, is struggling with regrets about the way his son died. Neil was discharged from hospital to his parents’ home in Preston when doctors said they were unable to cure him. But they never told the family how long he might live and the family never directly addressed it together.

“We were all in denial,” Tony says. “Neil had suggested that he had some thoughts about the way he wanted to die several months before he did actually die, but as a family we kept on having to believe there was a chance of survival.” The family, feeling angered about the cancer, and Neil, who wanted to be in his own flat rather than dependent on his family, spent much of their last months together arguing — mostly about stupid things, Tony says. Neil had to be rushed to his flat in his final hours so that he could be where he wanted to be, with his own friends in his own home.

Somehow, says Hilary Fisher of Dying Matters, we have to get over the idea that if you talk about dying you make it happen — or that you make yourself and other people unhappy. Addressing the prospect of death usually ends up with everyone happier, she says.

Six months ago, Liz Manchester’s mother had a second stroke. Liz, 58, from Colchester, Essex, decided it was time that she and her brothers discussed what their mother wanted if she were to have another stroke — how she would like to be looked after if she were severely disabled, for example, and whether she wanted resuscitating. No one wanted to broach the subject. “Eventually, I decided the only way is to come straight out with it, and ask her,” Liz says.

Her mum’s reply was a delightful surprise. “The first thing she said was that she didn’t want to live with any of her children — not because she didn’t love us but because she’d be happy in a home near her old home. The second thing she said was that it was such a relief that I’d brought it up — she said she’d wanted to raise the subject herself for a long time.”

Since then, lots of issues surrounding her mum’s death have been addressed — even the hymns she wants at her funeral. “She’s really happy that we’re not going to do anything she wouldn’t want, and it’s such a relief to us that we can plan something that she’s happy with.”

Most of us do have strong wishes about how we want to die — but they often differ greatly from what actually happens. According to the Dying Matters survey, 70 per cent of people would prefer to die at home and 7 per cent want to die in hospital; but 60 per cent actually die in hospital. So why are we so patently incapable of communicating our wishes to others? The survey has put its finger on some important human traits, says Paula Smith, a psychologist from the Centre for Death and Society at the University of Bath. “Death no longer occurs in everyday settings,” she says. “It’s taken away into hospitals. That means that we tend to talk about it in the abstract, rather than being forced to face it. The idea that death could be close affects our sense of security ... so we develop coping mechanisms such as always thinking of it as something that’s going to be in the future, no matter how old we are.”

Changing the attitudes of children is the key to making dying discussions less scary for society in the long term, she says. “I think there’s a danger that we make a mystery out of death with children, for example by not letting them go to funerals. Death needs to be discussed more with them in a non-threatening way.”

Several projects are now trying to demystify death for schoolchildren and teenagers. St Christopher’s Hospice in southeast London is inviting nine and ten-year-olds from 30 primary schools to come to meet people who are dying.

“What’s extraordinary is the way that children have raised questions that adults would never have done, and the people at the hospice have been happy to answer,” says Nigel Hartley, Director of Supportive Care at St Christopher’s. “I remember one child asking: ‘What do you think they’ll do with your body when you’re dead?’ The response was very candid. The project seems to be not only educational, but enlivening for the people who are dying.”

The new Dying Matters coalition wants to build on such projects. It aims to engage thousands of businesses, charities and other organisations in leading action to start the public talking about death. Already 1,200 organisations have signed up, Fisher says.

We don’t have to wait for cultural change to adjust our mindset. Mark Vernon, the writer and broadcaster, runs a course at the School of Life, the London “ideas shop”, entitled “How to think about death”, with suggestions for how we should learn to tune in better to our mortality. Far from being life-denying, thinking about and discussing death can lead to an intensification of life, he says, and that might be the most compelling reason for us all to change our ways. “The two are more closely related than we think. Addressing death can be a way of enjoying life more fully, and sometimes in unexpected ways.”

Make death your friend

Mark Vernon’s suggestions “Notice the seasons, the leaves falling, and the omnipresence of things dying in nature.”

“Write your own obituary, or the details for your funeral.”

“If you have children, get a pet: it is likely to be their first experience of a death, and a manageable one that will help to rehearse adult death.”

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