…what the figures say about a so-called boom in middle-class shoplifting. We are told that aspirational shoppers hit by the recession are shoving expensive cuts of meat, fresh fish and high-priced cheeses in their knickers to keep up appearances on the dinner party circuit.

But something about this £750 million rise in pilfered goods doesn’t add up. Surely it’s pretty obvious, pong-wise, if a woman is traversing the aisles with two salmon and a Stinking Bishop down her Spanx pants. (Let’s pray we’re not invited to that particular finger buffet.) And how do they know these thieves are middle-class? Do supermarkets now interrogate shoplifters on their socio-economic status? Do store detectives make a note in their jotters if the culprit is wearing Hobbs shoes and was heard discussing house prices? Or do security companies simply know how to talk up a good story?

Underclass people can nick posh food, too. They don’t spot an organic chicken and think, “Bit out of my league, that. Now, where are the nice £2 broilers with the ulcerated legs?” If risking prison, you might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb, and pinch the good stuff, whether you’re from country estate or sink estate.

Which brings me to the really fishy bit about this. As I’ve said before, it’s hard enough buying things legally in shops without 25 alarms blaring, so ultra-security tagged is even a £6 pair of leggings. To steal anything, you practically have to be a Bletchley Park code-cracker. You’d need to be desperate even to try.

But then again, maybe there is a certain type who would risk it: the Hyacinth Bucket sort who considers having a criminal record to be fractionally less embarrassing than being caught serving Tesco Value mince.

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