What’s the perfect playlist?
The ancient dictum of party music is get the ladies dancing and the gentlemen
will follow, so lean more towards Motown than Motorhead. Spotify and iTunes
are a godsend when it comes to taking requests, but make sure that there’s
only one person in control of the mouse, otherwise it will become a
fist-gnawing evening of 20-second snippets. If all else fails, no floor has
ever been cleared by Chic’s Le Freak or the Jackson 5’s I Want You Back. And
snog songs are not cool, so please, no Careless Whisper.
Is it OK to serve pre-packaged food?
Thankfully, the days when hosts would spend hours “distressing” their
shop-bought mince pies are over. Canapés are more tricky. Extensive research
by the Weekend team found most supermarket oven-ready party platters to be
dreary wodges of carbohydrate, best avoided sober. Exceptions were Butternut
and Dolcelatte risotto bites from M&S (£4.99 for 12), Mini Chicken
Fajitas from Morrisons (£2 for 8), Asda’s Thai FishCakes (£2 for 12) and
Tesco Finest’s Thai Curry Cone Selection (£4 for 12).
Are plastic glasses ever acceptable?
No, not unless you are expecting a room full of toddlers. If you are grown-up
enough to be providing alcohol, you should be able to appropriate glassware
(lent free by most wine merchants).
If you need to stock up, forget flimsy Ikea glasses, and try Sainsbury’s for
champagne flutes or Habitat for versatile French-style tumblers (Dieppe, set
of six, £7.50), which can work for wine, beer or cocktails.
How long should I stay on champagne?
Nothing lifts a party like a few bubbles, and the Times nutritionist
Amanda Ursell recommends that if you do find your hangovers are less
monumental when you stick to one drink, you should opt for prosecco rather
than champagne — it is 10.5 per cent ABV so you will lighten the workload
for your liver (champagne is about 12 per cent ABV).
If calories are your main concern, go for Laurent-Perrier Ultra Brut, Kate
Moss’s drink of choice. It is very dry and has about 65 calories per 125ml
glass rather than the 90 in regular champagne.
How drunk is too drunk?
It is permissible to be drunk enough to dance, but not so drunk that you think
you are John Travolta.
Must I take my shoes off?
If you invite people into your home — white carpets or no white carpets — then
it is unfair to expect them to remove their shoes. It was your idea to have
the party, not theirs to wear shoes. As a guest, if by the end of the night
the balls of your feet are burning, it is totally acceptable to kick your
shoes off and dance barefoot.
Can I wear jeans to a party?
Totally. The jeans-and-Converse combo is probably a casual step too far, but
slim jeans with heels and a fabulous shirt, or evening bolero, can be just
as dressy as a dress. If you don’t like jeans, black dresses always work,
and huge earrings are the fastest way to look dressed up. For men, there’s
nothing wrong with the jeans and smartish jacket combo. Make sure that the
jeans fit you well, though.With denim the shoes must be brown or you’ll look
like Jeremy Clarkson, and definitely no trainers for the over-40s.
Is fancy dress still in vogue?
Always. After all, you’re not only dressing for the party, you’re dressing for
everyone you have ever met — the pictures will inevitably be up on Facebook
by the time you get home. Don’t take yourself too seriously and make that
token gesture, even if it’s only a feather boa or false eyelashes (Shu
Uemura’s are the best).
Is it all right to ban people?
Yes, if at past gatherings they have ever behaved inappropriately with your
single friends or your soft furnishings. Just don’t invite them — they’ll
get over it. But never try to disinvite people because you worry that the
mix isn’t going to work — the dullest people can shine with enough egg nog
inside them. Honesty is rarely the best policy in social situations and this
case is no exception. Get a friend to call them and say the party is
cancelled. If they ever find out that’s not true, well, you didn’t want to
see them again anyway.
How amorous can I get with fellow revellers?
For singles, pulling at a dinner party should be actively encouraged. However,
anyone old enough to remember Take That the first time round should probably
desist from playing tonsil tennis at a table.
Do I have to take my other half to every party?
Sensible couples navigate their way through work, social and familial
commitments by making a schedule in advance. Christmas Day with his folks,
Boxing Day with hers and so on. Couples that play together stay together but
office parties tend to have a “no-partner” policy. Suzi Godson, our sex
columnist, advises: “When socialising separately, be friendly, not flirty
... and tell anyone who hits on you that you are ‘completely and
incontrovertibly in love’.”
Should the gift always be wine?
Not always. Shameless people think that if they’re just contributing to a
general party wine pool they can get away with bringing the sort of bottle
the natives of Omsk don’t use even as vinegar. If it’s a good bottle, it’s
wasted at a party where people are more interested in getting drunk than
they are in drinking good wine. Take two bottles of something decent but
inexpensive — see pages 16 and 17 for a steer from Jane MacQuitty.
Alternatively, send flowers the next day.
Is it impolite to bring an uninvited ‘plus one’?
That depends on how well you know the host. The invitations for many parties
today are circulated on Facebook, so people think less in terms of plus one
than in plus 47. At such parties, most guests are more closely connected to
Kevin Bacon than they are to the host. Generally, don’t bring someone
without asking first. Unless he is George Clooney.
How late can I arrive?
There’s fashionably late and there’s “Oh, I see you’re hoovering up already”
late. If it’s a dinner party, you must be punctual. Anything later than 15
minutes is rude. For an “eight till late” drinks party you should be there
by 9pm. If you’re a close friend it’s supportive to be there from the start.
What should the smoking policy be?
You want your guests to enjoy themselves so it seems mean to doom smokers to a
night of shivering by the back door. The smokers’ huddle is quite often the
most flirty and most fun-looking group so you want them at the heart of the
party.
The newly popular compromise is to confine smokers to the kitchen (no
soft-furnishings to absorb the smell) and open the window and remain
smoke-free elsewhere.
Is it OK to bring the kids?
Are you mad? The hosts have invited you, not your children, and, being the
hosts of a party, just might have better things to do than worry about how
these brats can be entertained/prevented from coming to harm/fed/watered. If
the babysitter falls through, there is only one outcome: your evening out
has fallen through, too. Bad luck.
How can I ask my guests to leave?
You can’t. If you’re the sort of person who wants your friends to go home, why
are you throwing a party in the first place? On the other hand, if your
enthusiasm for proceedings is waning, most guests will probably sense it and
do the decent thing. If you are desperate, “Anyone for coffee?” is the
internationally recognised polite phrase for “Please go home”.
Is it inadvisable to juggle several drinks parties in the same evening?
Factors of age, thickness of skin, stamina and geography come into play here.
You are more likely to be invited to party-hop in a city than in the
country, where there are fewer parties and acquaintance is less fleeting.
Here is the Socratic view: one party an evening is usually enough for a
normal constitution. But the old philosopher was himself an inveterate
partygoer. Just don’t put down your host or hostess by intimations or
boasting that you have other engagements on the same evening as his or her
big do.
As a guest, can I cancel at the last minute?
The etiquette of party invitations is that you accept or cancel your
invitation by whatever medium as soon as possible. This gives your host or
hostess some idea of numbers and of how much caviar is needed. To turn up or
not turn up out of the blue without letting him or her know is Bad Manners.
The formal refusal is by writing in ink: “Persephone Pandora thanks . . .
but greatly regrets . . .” But in these days of ink shortage, any form of
intimation will do. Try not to telephone immediately before the party. Your
host will be in the bath.
Should I offer to help with the washing-up?
Generally no. If you know your host or hostess well, you may lend a hand. But
at a formal occasion, it is impertinent to make the offer. Phew.
What are the legal noise restrictions?
Every local authority treats noise differently. The general rule, in line with
the European Noise Directive, is that you have to be quiet (below 34
decibels, if you must know) between 11pm and 7am. Punishment for refusing to
obey these guidelines can result in the musical equipment being seized and a
fine of £5,000.
Our expert panel: Alice Olins, Ed Potton, Robert Crampton, Tony
Turnbull, Suzi Godson, Joe Joseph, Philip Howard, Hilary Rose, Harriet
Addison
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